I was flattered when I heard they made a movie all about my hair.

It’s called 50 shades of gray

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mousebackriding
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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That steam roller operator said the nicest thing to me as he ran me over...

I'm flattered.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ahughman
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
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Hello !

! was flattered that I greeted him.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PL_ADI
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
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Cowboy Boots

A woman went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked him if it's true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me for mah services before."

"Don't be flattered," she said. "Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
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What did the new road say to the steamroller?

You flatter me.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
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Being a co-driver can really get tiresome
πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OuterMe
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2019
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What do you call a goat that sweeps a woman off her feet?

A Flattering Ram

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cracksniffer666
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
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So I was driving uber tonight and I picked up a girl from the dorms at UNCW. She sat in the front and we were chatting when suddenly she sneezed.... Now. I didn't realize it while talking, but she had a glass eye, and when she sneezed her glass eye came flying out at me.

I caught it, handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. I didn't know what else to say...

So, we rode in silence for the rest of the trip until we got to the bar. When we arrived at the bar, she turned and asked if she could have my number. I was flattered because she was so pretty, but I told her I was happily engaged.

She smiled at me and said, "That's a shame, you really caught my eye."

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/izzy10200
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
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I went to the park today to play frisbee with my dog.

It was shit, I need a flatter dog.

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tombola201uk
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2019
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Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RSTLNE3MCAAV
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2018
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My polyamorous friend asked me out on a date

I said I'm flattered but I don't want to be in a no-pun relationship

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jeremywarne
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2019
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Got sent an email at work today saying the printer had broken down and so someone may have to come out to it.

I tried, and it was flattered, but it just wasn't interested in humans.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cybot2001
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
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To everyone who wished a Happy Father’s Day to β€œthe best dad in the world...”

I’m very flattered, but make sure you wish your own dad a happy Father’s Day too.

πŸ‘︎ 522
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SyckTycket
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2018
🚨︎ report
A lumberjack died in the woods...

There once was a lumberjack who was known as the hardest working lumberjack in the woods. Old Doolittle Dawort Deigh had a reputation and the complete respect of his coworkers for nearly 60 years. As we all know, tough lumberjacks can’t have sissy names. So many years ago, as was the tradition in the woods, old Doolittle Dawort Deigh was saddled with a nickname and had become known as simply Do Dah.

One tragic afternoon, old Do Dah was working his trade when a tree happened to fall the wrong way. Poor old Do Dah was squished flatter than a lumberjack flapjack. His coworkers, distraught at the thought of breaking the news of Do Dah’s death to his elderly wife, decided that perhaps if bad news was presented in a somewhat good way, it might soften the blow.

So that afternoon, old Do Dah’s fellow lumberjacks gathered on the stoop of the now widowed Mrs. Deigh and hesitantly knocked on the door. It took a few minutes for the old widow to make it across the room to the door. Finally as the door creaked open, the chorus of lumberjacks launched into a rousing rendition of

β™ͺ Guess who died in the woods today β™« Do Dah, Do Dah. β™« Guess who died in the woods today Old Do Dah Deigh. ♬

πŸ‘︎ 82
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πŸ‘€︎ u/philo-sopher
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2017
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How do Flat-Earthers react to a complement

β€œI’m Flattered”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2019
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I recently got ran over by a steam roller

people said i should be offended but i was flattered

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2019
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I gave a flat-earther a compliment.

He was flattered.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PhpXp
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2019
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I like when people take pictures of me.

It's flattering

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/soggy_toenails
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2018
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One of my coworkers stopped by my desk.

He said, 'The boss wants you.'

I said, 'I'm flattered, but I'm straight.'

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2018
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Driving instructor pulled one on me.

I was going for driving lesson after a 2 month break, and after fumbling around and finally successfully getting the car started, my driving instructor said this to me:
DI: "Have you been filming a show recently?"
Me: "No, why do you say that?"
DI: "You look a lot like a character in this show on TV."
Me(kinda flattered): "What show is that?"
DI (Deadpanned): "Oh you know, Lost."
Me: "......."

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Serav1
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2016
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Burning Man

My dad (a firefighter) was just arriving at Burning Man when Paul Addis had set fire to the man early. I was asleep, and woke up to my dad telling me that he was flattered that we gave him such a warm welcome.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FarrisGoldstein
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2014
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Went to the park yesterday to play frisbee with my dog.

Think I'm gonna need a flatter dog.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/man_nowhere
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2019
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I took my dog to the park yesterday to play Frisbee with him.

Turns out I need a flatter dog.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2015
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