My friend is addicted to felling trees
He says the more he tries to cut down, the worse it gets
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︎ Mar 28 2016
What's green, has 4 legs, and could kill you if it fell out of a tree?
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︎ Dec 20 2020
Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out. Who was left?
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︎ Jan 23 2021
True Story. I went to pick up a couple of Italian Beef sandwiches curbside last night and as the runner approached with my order, the sandwiches broke through the gravy soaked paper bag and fell to the ground. She was extremely apologetic and said she would re-bag them for us. But I was livid!
I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.
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︎ Jan 25 2021
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 6 months.
The woman asked the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. And, you're brother named them for you.
Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Ohh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy?
Doctor: deeply sighs Denephew.
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︎ Aug 19 2020
Can an Admin tell me why my post was removed? It was very inconvenient... My whole fence fell down
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︎ Jan 20 2021
Wife: "I accidentally fell asleep while grading my student's projects."
Me: "I guess everyone's getting Z's"
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︎ Jan 17 2021
What did Matthew McConaughey say when everything fell out of his Reuben?
All rye, all rye, all rye
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︎ Jan 23 2021
What did the ear of corn say when it's clothes fell off?
Aw, shucks!
Credit: Bo Burnham
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︎ Jan 29 2021
Fell into a snow globe.
No injuries, but I was really shaken.
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︎ Jan 30 2021
Just opened a Christmas card and rice fell out.
Must be from my Uncle Ben.
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︎ Dec 14 2020
A tub of margarine fell on my foot 3 weeks a go and it still hurts.....
I can't believe it's not better.
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︎ Oct 13 2020
I fell asleep during Catholic mass.
I'm a Bored Again Christian.
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︎ Dec 30 2020
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fell off a cliff
π︎ 109
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︎ Dec 17 2020
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
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︎ Dec 21 2020
A Norwegian fell down a canyon...
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︎ Dec 21 2020
Just gonna leaf this here
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︎ Jan 11 2021
I was walking down a hill and fell down.
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︎ Dec 24 2020
A book just fell on my head
I only have my shelf to blame.
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︎ Nov 22 2020
I was trying to reshape the border of my back yard when my neighbours fence fell over...
π︎ 9
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︎ Jan 11 2021
When the local carpenter was asked what it was like when he fell through a window?
He said,β All I felt was pane.β
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︎ Jan 18 2021
Did you hear about the mechanic who fell asleep under the car?
He woke up oily in the morning
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︎ Dec 23 2020
I fell asleep before New Years
Then Woke up in another year
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︎ Jan 01 2021
What do you call a guy who fell into a well?
π︎ 18
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︎ Nov 22 2020
A copy of A Christmas Carol fell on my toe!
It hurts like the Dickens >_<
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︎ Dec 25 2020
Today I slipped and fell while walking out to the car.
I was pissed. I was mad. I looked everywhere for the cause. But alas, it was my own asphalt.
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︎ Dec 24 2020
Snoopy AKA Snoop dogg AKA the Red Baron has been spotted flying his Dogg house today. It is understood that he defeated his enemies in one fell snoop.
π︎ 5
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︎ Dec 04 2020
What did the poor detective say when he fell into the endless pit?
βIβm never going to get to the bottom of this.β
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︎ Dec 30 2020
I was stacking wood and a piece fell and tried to hit me
He was all bark and no bite
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︎ Nov 28 2020
Two antennas met on a roof and fell in love
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was incredible
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︎ Nov 19 2020
I fell into a large vat of curry....
Was in a korma for a month.
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︎ Dec 05 2020
Hey... Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?
He was just going through a stage!
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︎ Oct 08 2020
I told my friend a joke and he fell on the floor from laughter
I guess some people cant stand jokes
π︎ 9
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︎ Dec 03 2020
I tried to tell a joke about apartments but it fell flat
π︎ 5
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︎ Nov 03 2020
She fell in love with an archeologist
Her future in now in ruins
π︎ 5
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︎ Nov 20 2020
If you fell off a ladder, what would you fall against?
π︎ 5
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︎ Dec 01 2020
My sister fell in love with a welder.
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︎ Nov 20 2020
What do you call a cow that fell on the floor
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︎ Oct 14 2020
I wrote a song to memorialize the man killed when a piano fell down a mine shaft.
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︎ Oct 18 2020
My toes fell asleep after I wore shoes that were too small
π︎ 5
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︎ Nov 27 2020
She fell in love with a gardener
π︎ 6
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︎ Nov 20 2020
What is big, green and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
π︎ 6
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︎ Jan 26 2021
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell in a deep coma and woke up after about 6 months.
The woman asked the doctor about the baby.
The doctor: Congratulations. You had twins, both boys. They're both fine. And your brother named them a for you.
Woman: No. No. No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name them?
Doctor: He named one of them Pete, after your deceased father as he told me.
Woman: Oh that's actually a very nice name. What did he name the other boy?
Doctor: deeply sighs RePete.
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︎ Dec 02 2020
A tub of margarine fell on my foot three weeks ago and it still hurts.
I canβt believe itβs not better.
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︎ Nov 05 2020
A tub of margarine fell on my Foot last week
And it's still bruised, I can't believe it's not better.
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︎ Nov 18 2020
What's green, fuzzy, has 4 legs, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?
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︎ Nov 17 2020
A book fell on my head today.
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︎ Nov 23 2020
A book fell on my head...
I only have my shelf to blame
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︎ Nov 13 2020
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