When I was a kid, my dad used to ask me if I wanted to go to Cotton Springs. When I said yes, he would tell me to go to bed :(
He's such a hearthless fellow.
Such a practice sounds barbarous to me.
So the other day during a 20 minute break at University, some of my classmates got onto the discussion of relationships. One lad (to my suprise) ended things with his long term girlfriend, somebody asked why. To which he would only say:
"It just wasn't working."
A sudden rush of sadism crawled up me, and I couldn't bottle it up. I immediately blurted out:
"You know they have drugs that can help you with that."
I was met with both shocked looks or empty stares. Still, my mates had a laugh about it when I told them afterwards.
Cruel act of hummus-ide.
Reese’s Pieces
When he was put to death, his captors ground him up and baked him in the oven covered in gravy and mashed potatoes.
When questioned as to why such a cruel and unusual punishment was administered, they stated that this was the only way to correctly execute a shepherd spy.
It was an automated phone system which said, "Press 1 for the money, 2 for the show…"
I've had to register them in three states.
They're considered cruel and unusual punishment in the other 47.
I was arrested for speaking out of line. I was protesting against the injustices facing our community, the harsh taxes and oppressions that have faced my community for years. The cruel and unusual punishments especially. Our town is small and insular, so outside influence is heavily resisted by our small town government, but despite that, my friends and I have pushed on, resisting our mistreatment and misery. But as you know, I was arrested. Surprisingly, I wasn't jailed or executed. I was beaten. They had us in a row, lines up facing our tormentors. The would-be executioners merely thrust their fists upon us. It was brutal. While there, I though to myself, "Huh, I guess this is the punchline."
So I live with my parents (or did when this took place) and my mom was making meatloaf one night. I was in my room waiting for dinner to be done, when she yells out "bring the meatloaf here, I want to see what it looks like". So without missing a beat, I grabbed Bat Out of Hell from my record collection and take it to her in the living room. I hand it to her and she goes "oh. my. god." with a very visible eye roll. I think it was a success
We were heading back to his house from the beltway and he asked if we wanted to go by McDonalds. Two eighteen year old, poor, hungry college students, so we said sure. He drives right past it and says "we just did"
I work as a salesman in a call center. We were going over some of the more interesting names we’ve seen and called. Without disclosing the last name my neighbor said oh, you haven’t heard of “Cytoplasm XXXXXXX”? I answered. The guy is a computer programmer who I’d imagine changed his name to that unless his parents are that cruel. I start rambling off “Cytoplasm?? Of all the organelles in a eukaryotic cell to name yourself you pick cytoplasm?! What about Golgi apparatus, or endoplasmic reticulum?” My manager chimes in “wow you memorized a lot from bio” I told her I went to college for science shit but “now here I am making phone calls as a professional, thanks college” to which my neighbor replies.... “I guess now you could say you’re a PROkaryote
I'll start with mine.
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If you eat the seeds of the watermelon, a watermelon plant will grow in your stomach.
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If you grow up in a foreign country your face will turn into one of a foreigner (as chinese immigrants to spain, my parents told me this to get me to go to school)
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My grandpa used to tell me that if I moved too much after eating the food would leak into my blood veins and I would die. Needless to say that scarred me for a long period of my infancy.
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My grandma, conversely, told me that if I slept face down I would crush my heart and die. Screw you, grandma...
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One of the most cruel lies was from my uncle, in which every time we heard police sirens, he would hurry and exclaim that the police was going after me for having too many toys... Made me scared of cops for a long time.
I was giving my mom some advise as she was buying a new car a few years ago. She brought up a car I thought would be an awesome car to own, and she shot me down...hard..
He and his cousins found a stray dog. They picked him up by the tail and poured gasoline down his butt. The dog freaks out and starts running around the yard. He ran around the house two or three times and suddenly stopped right in front of him and that was the end of the story.
So everyone is appauled because that's insanely cruel and my dad is not that type of man. So we ask if the dog died.
"No, he just ran out of gas"
Me: "I finally have a couple days off from work and I get sick. Is this a cruel joke?"
Him: "No... it's a sick joke"
GoT Spoilers Ahead
I was so upset when Prince Oberyn died that I had to stop watching the show for a while. My friend used to bring it up occasionally because he is a cruel asshole.
Today he brought up the Prince's balloon bursting demise and asked if it was too soon. I was proud to respond that "I'm officially Oberyn it".
