Slid Puns

The big moron. The other one was a little more on.

It’s just water under the fridge.

I hit a Homer.

He said I was really pushing the envelope.

Wait, never mind. He got cold feet

He slid the loaf into the oven to bake. He told his son, “This bread is for a very special occasion, so I’m going to make a back-up.” He then plopped an extra loaf’s worth of dough onto the table, sliced it into two equal pieces, and immediately put them away. The boy asked, “Dad, why’d you do that?” The baker smiled and told his son, “It’s better to halve it and not knead it.”

Two prisoners were escaping down a ladder. While the seasoned prisoner at the top watched for guards, the new prisoner went down the ladder first and slowly. Once the ladder was clear, the seasoned prisoner slid down in just three seconds, then he scolded the new prisoner for being so slow. The new prisoner replied, "Well, look at mister con descending here."

I was sitting in my room playing with my dog, his name is Buster. My dog was being hyper while getting used to his new home.

My dad walks in and starts telling me about when he was my age and got a new dog.

( Insert sad music from the world's smallest violin here )

Dad: "When I was your age, my dad got me a pooch. His name was Rocket. I got him when he was around 4 years old, so he was pretty big. One day, I was working on my dad's truck and had a bucket of old gas sitting next to me. Rocket was outside playing around, being himself and came up to me. I slid back under the truck and heard some gulping sounds. I look over and see Rocket drinking big gulps of the gasoline. I screamed at him," Rocket No! You don't drink that!" Then he backed up, stumbling. I felt my heart sink to my stomach, I knew something was wrong with him. He took off running around the house. He ran around the house 2-3 times. Then he just fell over.."

Me: "Dead!?"

Dad: "Nah, he just ran out of gas."

Fuck off, Dad.

He asked me to keep the window upright on the ground so he could measure it. He slid the window open, crawled through it and said, "You don't understand the 'pane' I'm going through."

The son came thundering down the stairs, much to his father's annoyance.
So he said, he said, "How many more times have I got to tell you to come down the stairs quietly? Now, go back up and come down like a civilized human being."
There was a silence, and the son reappeared in the front room. So his father said, he said, "That's better. Now will you always come down stairs like that."
So the son said, he said, "Suits me - I slid down the bannister."

... when the ladder fell away. I wrapped my arms around the trunk and slid all the way to the ground. The skin on my inside upper arms was grated off. When I told my dad, he was very unsympathetic. He said: "You know what falls out of pawpaw trees, don't you?"

I was washing dishes and my phone rings. I pull out my phone, and I know the touch screen doesn't work well with wet fingers, so I held the phone to my face and slid my nose across the screen to answer the call. I finish the conversation and press "end call" with my nose. I look up and my dad is looking at me. I ask "impressed?" And my dad replies "well now i know my son nose how to answer the phone while washing dishes"

Me: So, how'd they come out?

Dad: Well, I put my oven glove on, grabbed the tray, slid it out of the oven, and then slid them on the stove, so I'd say they came out pretty smooth.

Me: Oh my god, Dad.

I work at a shoe store, often times when giving shoes to a customer we will sit down, especially the full-timers who are there a lot. My boss was sitting down talking to a customer about matching shoes with their outfits when it happened (he was sitting on tile):

"Yeah man, I always match my clothes... Hey, poortheologian, back me up and tell him that I do!"

"Okay." I then walked over, grabbed him and slid him about a foot back from where he was sitting.

He groaned, the groaned, I walked away.

Dad: What did the dog say when he slid down the tree? Me: What? Dad: Rough, Bark!