Feller Puns

I'm going to be a Branch Manager soon and I will need as many groanable puns as possible.

Whenever I showed my dad a report card with good grades he would say: "You're a fart smeller! Wait, I mean smart feller!"

They need plenty of

KNEEEEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

Edit: Thanks for the silver, friends! You sure know how to make a feller feel stellar

'Bout tree fellers.

Back a few decades, I was working in a program with a local college in the Middle East.

The name of the program for ExPats has the clever acronym of "IDEA" (hey, I said it was clever); which stands for "Inter-Departmental Educational Adjunct". It's interdepartmental because my particular specialty not only covers field geology but also paleontology and a bit of archeology thrown in for good measure. Everyone hopes to have a good IDEA...

ahem...

Well, we saddle up and head for the Dune Sea out in the west of the country, where the Precambrian, Cambrian, Silurian, Cretaceous, Pliocene, Pleistocene, and Holocene crop out and access is relatively easy and non-injurious.

Well, we caravan out, some 30 Land Cruisers, Nissan patrol, and the odd Mitsubishi Galloper strong. We all get our maps, compasses and split up into 5 or 6 special interest groups ("SIG's"); where each IDEA has his own GPS and LIDAR laser ranging apparatus. Reason being, that there are very few benchmarks out in the desert, and even those are constantly at the mercy of the shifting and ever-blowing sands.

Since we're split into groups and at any one time, ranging up to and including some 50 km2, when a real find is located, a device called the "DIME" (Digital-Interface Monitor Encoder) is attached and programmed into the GPS for location later; it is a digital sort of low-frequency transponder, developed from technology used by offshore drillers and jacket setters where benchmarks are even more transitory.

The way it works is rather simple. When something is to be marked for later retrieval, a series of wooden posts are pounded in a triangular manner around the find and the DIME is set, programmed with the GPS and attached to one or more of the posts.

That's the theory, at least.

Everything works well, especially all the hardened electronics and computer gizmos, but attaching the DIME to the stakes is the real problem. It can't be nailed, screwed or fastened with any sort of metal contrivance as that farkles the magnetic field and causes all sorts of goofy spurious signals. Zip ties don't last long in the heat and duct tape is right out. Many sites have been lost to the shifting sands this way.

Velcro doesn't work too well, as the sand fills the hooks of the receiving piece of velcro and soon renders it useless. String or fishing line work, but that's temporary (they melt). Glue or mastic are out as these are supposed to be temporary. Even plastic sleeves don't work due to the heat out

But he knows a feller who is.

So the two girls get invited to a dance. The country girl thinks this might be too high brow for her, and tells her cousin, “Golly, them city fellers might think I’m just a dumb hick.” Her cousin says, “Don’t worry. Just do as I do and you’ll be fine.” After hours of dancing they got tired, so they sat down. Another guy comes and asks the city girl to dance. She smiles sweetly and says “I’m contemplating matrimony and I think I’d like to sit.” So when the next guy comes up to ask the country girl to dance she smiles confidently and says, “I’m constipated on macaroni and I think I’d like to shit.”

A tree feller

I asked my dad "When are the tree fellers coming?"

He replied "Monday, but I'm not sure if it'll be tree fellers, there might be four."

He said it with a stone-cold serious tone, whilst poking around on his ipad. The best sort of delivery for that sort of joke.

He can't afford to buy a whole herd of cows all at once, but he figures he can start small and work up. So he buys a dozen cows and two bulls. He puts the bulls in separate pastures, and splits the cows evenly, and waits. After a couple weeks, he realizes that most of the cows in one pasture are pregnant, but on the other side of the fence, nothing has been happening. He calls up his neighbor, Elmer, an old country feller who has been farming since he could walk. "See, there's your problem," the old man says, "That one's a bull, but the other's a steer." The city slicker says, "Well, I don't know what the difference is. Could you put it in terms I might understand better?" Elmer says, "Well..."

"One's regular and the other is de-calf."

Dad - Saw some guys chop down a tree today

Me - And how was that?

Dad - Strange there was 4 guys doing it.

Me - How is that strange.

Dad - I thought there would have been tree fellers.

Three fellas/Tree fellers

Tree fellers.

NOTE: I posted this on another post and got some upvotes for it so I thought I would make it's own post. Is it a repost? Sorry if it IS a repost although I've never seen it on Reddit before.

So we were talking about plants and I randomly come up with:

If you stab a vampire with a cactus doesn't that make it a succulent steak?

She groans and can't help but giggle as she literally face palms, but complains none the less "I thought you loved me!". I laugh even harder. "You're proud of that aren't you, why you are so proud of that? When you shit in your hand and throw it at strangers that is nothing to be proud of".

Tell you fellers she's a keeper :D

"Well you're a fart smeller, aren't ya? . . .Errrrr. . .smart feller. Yup. That's what I meant."

My dad lets me know "The tree fellers are coming round tomorrow, actually there might only be two of them"

Let's say I solved a fairly simple task, Dad tells me "wow you're a fart smeller, err, a smart feller."

He's been doing this to me for like 20 years now.

For as long as I can remember, my dad has used a single punch-line every time I do something right or say anything even mildly intelligent.

me doing something right Dad: Has anyone told you you're a fart smeller?snicker I mean smart feller.

"Looks like you're a pretty fart smeller... er, smart feller." Oh, dad.

Me: Hey dad I got an A on my exam!

Dad: Oh wow you are a pretty fart smeller, rabblerabble I mean a pretty SMART feller! HAshHAshHA

Me: I am moving out...

'Bout tree fellers.