A list of puns related to "Coffee with D"
When I was a kid, my dad was a road worker. One of those guys who turns the signs when they're building bridges and filling potholes. You know, speaking of potholes they fill those with tar and gravel mixed together. Pretty incredible. Anyways, He really worked his ass off you know? Getting up early, usually before dawn. He'd sit there, rub his eyes for a while. He liked to drink coffee. Usually Folgers, with a little splash of international delight. Anyways, he'd trudge off with his steel lunchbox and come home late at night. Mother dearest would rub his back and tell him what a hard worker he was, they'd go into the basement and make macaroni and cheese sounds all night while we slept upstairs.
Well one night, dad came home. He had been fired! Why was he fired you ask? Well. He was stealing. I said "There's no way my dad was stealing!" Not my dad, the man who once at three hard boiled eggs and donated the fourth to a man downtown. No way no how....but one day I went back to my childhood house. My parents still lived there, after all, who can afford a new house in this economy? Well I went into the basement and it hit me. Dad really was a thief. All the signs were there, I just never saw them.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itβs a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itβs tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donβt think itβs feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Thereβs a new type of broom out, itβs sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels canβt tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itβs pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldnβt control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn
... keep reading on reddit β‘First off a six-parter
No 2 A real cool guy walks into a cafe. He wearing sunglasses, tidy haircut, but just a super cool guy all round. He orders a glass of condensed milk and puts it on his table. Next time the waitress walks past he asks for a glass of black coffee. Now he has a glass of milk and a glass of coffee next to each other, this guy is real cool. Next time the waitress walks past he orders a glass of ice. She's happy to do that for this dude because he is so cool. He mixes the milk and coffee with the ice and stirs with his little spoon. Looks good. The old man that owns the cafe walks up to him and says, 'I see your in the Navy". How did he know?
A: he was wearing a naval uniform.
Anyone know similar nonsense?
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.
He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him.
Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it.
About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.
The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked.
The monk replied "religious reasons."
The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, but why do you need to repair fences?"
"Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."
... he was single and treated himself to a nice evening. Next to his table sat this gorgeus woman. Red hairs, curvy body, green eyes and the most beautiful smile he has ever seen.
He thought about how he could approach her, but just couldn't figure out a good way. Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye came flying out straight at him. He jumped up and caught it before it hit the ground. They started to talk, one thing lead to the next and they ended up at her place.
A night of sexytime followed, and the next morning he woke up to the smell of fresh toast, eggs and coffee. She awaited him in the kitchen with a great big breakfast.
"No woman has ever treated me so nice.", he said, "You are just perfect. Do you do this for every man you meet?"
"No.", she replied....
"but you just happened to catch my eye."
With jam in.
What does Bob Marley say to his friends when they come around for donuts and coffee?
"I hope you like jam in too"
So me and my dad were eating waffles and he pointed at a box of his almond crackers and said "with these crackers and the almond milk in my coffee I am turning into a nut". After humoring him with a small laugh, I said time to put this on r/dadjokes.
On Christmas my aunt gave my son a small box of Swedish fish which he immediately devoured. At the moment he threw the empty box on the coffee table I looked at it with wide eyes and said, "Oh look! Now they're Finnish!" He didn't get it.
I currently have a very uncomfortable and inflamed bug bite on my foot. This morning while making my coffee, I noticed a fat mosquito walking around on the counter. I called my husband over to kill it.
He grabbed a napkin, killed it, and said, "Wow. That was definitely the Goddess Mosquito."
I obviously asked with genuine curiosity, "What's a Goddess Mosquito?"
He said,
"It's the one that got us."
So my girlfriend and I are visiting her parents this weekend.
At breakfast her dad asks if we'd like almond milk with our coffee and we say yes.
He comes back and plops a gallon of 2% in front of us with this huge grin on his face, makes the sign of the cross in the air and goes "ah-mend"
There is so much this man can teach me.
We were seeing him in the hospital for the last time with our family and at some point my aunt asked who of us want coffee. We counted coffee drinkers among us and my aunt said "Ok, I'll bring a full tray"
My grandpa lifted his head for the last time and said "rather bring that in a cup, it's so hard to drink from the tray"
He was amazing.
A man in Australia took a train to the town of Mercy, where he heard there was a coffee shop that served drinks named after Australian animals. When he arrived, he decided to try the Koala Tea. He received his order quickly, which turned out to basically be a cup of hot water filled with whole eucalyptus leaves.
The man asked the barista, "Excuse me, there seems to be a lot of loose leaves in my tea."
The barista replied, "Yes, sir, the Koala Tea of Mercy is not strained."
I used to work at a starbucks with my best bud to earn some extra cash after school. Every day an hour or so before closing without fail this older indian man would come in and order two large coffees.
We started to talk with the guy since there weren't many other people in the shop and he told us is name was Haind Sahit and that he was a night worker which is why he drank the coffee. After a while, we would just have the coffee ready for him as soon as he came in the door.
One evening my friend went out back to pick some supplies for refill and had to get something from the top shelf, being a short guy he grabbed an old ladder and started climbing but one of the steps broke and he fell and hit his head pretty hard.
He was rushed to the hospital and woke up a couple days later with no major damages but with a light case of amnesia.
Once he got back on his legs he started working at the starbucks again and as soon as Haind heard, he came back to see how my friend was and stepped up to the desk to greet him. Sadly my friend couldn't remember him at all and just asked what he would like to order. Haind turned around with a tear in his eyes and said "You know, you should really have checked that ladder before you used it".
There was a glimmer in my friends eye and he immediatly started preparing two large coffees. As Haind saw he started smiling and crying and came around the desk to give my friend a hug. He asked my friend "What happened, how did you remember?" and my friend answered "Haind Sahit is always venti venti".
I love my boss... every few months, my boss and i find ourselves in the break room with a couple other people. He will take a sip of his freshly-poured coffee and loudly say, "ugh, this coffee tastes like MUD" ... and then he looks at me expectantly ... and I dutifully reply "that's because it was just GROUND this morning." The other people within earshot hate us when they realize they have been tag-team dad-joked
I was mimicking his complaining voice and he says with a grumpy face, "Stop copying me!"
I replied, "I'm not coffee-ing you, I'm tea-sing you!"
We were doing calculus in our math class, and when my teacher said βdifferentiate the function with respect to t,β I asked her if she really does respect t. Then she told me she respects tea more than she does coffee.
I love her.
Me: I hate coffee, especially one that tastes this strong.
Wife: I guess thatβs why you drink something with a little more subtle tea.
What's the difference between mononucleosis and herpes? You get mono from snatching kisses.
If you were to lose your left arm, you'd be all right.
Why can't you hear a pteradactyl going to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.
Communists only write in lower-case letters because they hate capitalism.
I got a new job at the police sketching pictures of suspects. I'm a con artist.
Cat Woman's real name is Catherine Woman.
I have a new cat joke. ...Just kitt'en.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for Fresh Prints. *
Did you hear about the two men who stole a calendar? They got six months each.
I just saw an Apple store get robbed. Does that make me an iWitness?
Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.
I'm moving to Seoul. I was told it would be a good Korea move.
Did you hear about the professor who was killed in a car accident? He was grading papers on a curve.
Why isn't an iPhone charger called Apple Juice?
Ever try to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
When Peter Pan throws punches, they Never Land.
I was struggling to understand how lightning works, but then it struck me.
Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time, too.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the moon, and then follow up with, "Ah, I guess you had to be there."
I'm going to make a TV series about a plane hijacking. We just shot the pilot.
Would you call a drunk working at an upholstery a recovering alcoholic?
Yesterday I got covered in ketchup from my head tomatoes.
Even though I've gone bald, I still keep the same comb I've had for 20 years. I just can't part with it.
Picture of my sister after getting her nose pierced "She nose something!"
I went to the dentist and showed him my cavity. He told me to pull up my pants and get the hell out.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It was okay - he woke up.
So what if I can't spell armageddon. It's not the end of the world.
When you get an infection, urine trouble.
"Hey waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!" "Yes, sir; it's fresh ground."
How did the butcher introduce his wife? "Meat Patty."
Elton John is a great piano player, but he sucks on the organ.
Elton John wrote a tribute to Amy Winehouse: Candle Under the Spoon *
What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan? Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke. *
*My absolut
... keep reading on reddit β‘My mom told us she wants to drink some coffee with my dad. My dad said he prefers coffee with milk. The groan was very loud.
Backstory: I had bought a set of nice Nespresso coffee cups for my parents for Christmas (original, I know). But these aren't your standard, chunky, ceramic Christmas mugs with snowflakes or Santas, but actually something for the type of coffee fanatics that spend their money on Clooney's kind of blend, what else?
So - having dessert; cake, coffee, the whole shabang.
Me, inspecting one of said cups: "I'm glad I actually found a set that doesn't stay in the cupboard all year like literally every other mug you've ever gotten from anyone."
Mom, eating cake: "Mm-hmm."
Me: "Like, these are actually really nice. I like the pattern around the base and how they're round and square at the same time."
Mom, between bites: "They're very nice."
Suddenly, Dad, eating his cake completely silently up until this point: "You should take a picture of them. Might make for a pretty cool mugshot."
Cue me barely managing to swallow my coffee, Mom chuckling into her cup and both our subsequent groans
My folks came up to visit. My mom flubbed the coffee, putting the grounds in the water chamber and she had to disassemble it and clean it before making coffee. Once we had piping hot cups all around my dad chimes in with this:
"You know, messing up the coffee is grounds for divorce."
sitting in a coffee shop with my girlfriend and 4 yr old daughter. kid's looking at the letters on the coffee cups
Kid: Daddy, why are the letters all smooshed together?
Gf: It's called handwriting.
Kid: What's the last letter? I don't remember it...
Gf: It's an "S". Do you know a word that starts with S?
Me: Shit.
Gf: And why, of all words, did you use "shit"?
Me: I'm speaking in cursive
Gf: ΰ² _ΰ²
So today as I was making my morning coffee, I fill up my little K cup thing with my coffee and walk over to the coffee maker to put it in and I spill it all over the floor. I start cleaning it up when my dad walks in and chuckles. I say "What?" And he replies "Hehe, coffee GROUNDS". We had a good laugh.
One of our support staff is retiring. She's been with us for about 10 years. She is known as "squirrel", her nickname from high school.
What are some puns I can use? I plan to have several small squirrel figures holding "signs" wishing her a happy journey, but want to be creative. This will be for a small room with food, cake, coffee, and good company.
I once had a goat. One that nobody understood why he did the things he did, and he resented us all for it. So much so that he would head butt and attack anyone that tried to get close. He was just such a misunderstood soul. One day, I was looking out the window with my morning coffee when I saw that a passing stranger was sitting atop that old and rusted '55 Chevy pickup that sat in the pasture petting the goat. The goat had finally found someone that really understood him. I watched amazed as this stranger reached a closeness with the goat that I myself would never know . "Wow" I whispered to myself, "that man really gets my goat..."
The sun shone into my office through the lowered blinds all clumsy like, fumbling through the gaps between the venetian slats like a drunk fishing for loose change in his pockets; trying to see if he has money enough for one last drink or maybe the bus ride home.
The dame looked me up and down, clearly disappointed by what sat in front of her. I didnβt blame her. Three days of salt and pepper stubble clung to my my crude boxerβs jaw and the bags under my eyes were so big half the bums downtown could sleep in there and not even know anyone else was with 'em. That was ok. This broad wasnβt hiring me for my looks and I wasnβt looking to her for approval. We both knew what brought her in here, it was the name on the door.
Max Dad P.I. - thatβs me. Private Investigatorβs sure not the profession my mother would have picked out for me, but it keeps me in whisky and it keeps a roof over my head and thatβll do for now. The dame parted those cherry red lips of hers as she took another pull on that just-lit cigarette and nervously stubbed it out in the ashtray. My eyebrows knit together slightly. I hate seeing things go to waste.
βSo as I was saying, Mr Dad,β she began.
βPlease, call me Maxβ
βAlright, Maxβ¦ well, as I was saying, my bag is missing. Stolen, I think. I urgently need it back. Shall I describe it to you?β
βNo thatβs alright miss. You got nothing to worry about,β I replied, sliding a bottle out of the desk drawer and pouring a big slug of scotch into to my morning coffee, βIβm sure itβll be a brief case.β
This starts and ends at the local coffee shop I go to on the way to work. My cashier takes my order; sausage, egg & cheese with salt, pepper, ketchup and hot sauce, on toasted rye. She taps away for a moment on the iPad POS then looks up and says "and a name for the sandwich?" to which I quickly raise my chest and proclaim "Breakfast!". To this all 6 people in the shop, including the cashier started chuckling.
[drop mic]
I was on the plane and the man came round with the refreshment tray and asks "you for coffee?" So i replied, "you fuck offy i was here first"
I was out with some friends, we were grabbing some food at a local coffee shop. Their prices were fucking sweet, like three bucks for a sandwich. Anyway, I placed by order:
The cashier nods and says, "Thank you, that'll be $8.10"
I replied, "It's about to be ea-ten"
I'm pretty sure they spit in my food...
At my work, a large number of coffee cups have been left in the break room. An email went out with an image of the cups asking if they belonged to anyone. My response:
"ah, good mugshot"
Groans were had.
Google Allo comes with what they are calling Google Assistant. You can ask it to tell you jokes and so far they are all like dad jokes. What's more you can have it schedule a daily delivery at a certain time.
For example here are some:
> Why did the coffee taste like mud? >> Because it was ground just a couple of minutes ago βοΈ
> How do you get over a fear of elevators? >> Just take some steps to avoid them!
To preface, we work at a coffee shop. A somewhat picky customer comes up and orders a 16 ounce chai tea latte, with soy milk. My coworker tells me all of this, and that the customer would like the drink at exactly 140Β°F. I make the drink, and call it out to be picked up: "16 ounce soy milk chai!"
My coworker comes over and says, "Hopefully she likes it, I've had to remake her drink a couple times before." I replied with:
"Well I certainly chai-ed soy hard when I made it."
Eye rolling and groans all around while I grinned ear to ear.
My friend (L) and I (B) ended up in a pun war. She had to wake up super early to catch a flight, and this was at about one in the morning:
L: I should definitely set my alarm to 'cow' o.O
B: Haha, do it. Nothing like waking up to cows in the 'moo'rning.
L: Oh my gosh. Absolutely not.
B: Hey, but it would be so 'udder'ly hilarious!
L: I just got stabbed to death by a pun.
B: I'm just trying to 'milk' it for all it's worth...
L: If I did that, I'm not sure I'd wake up in a happy 'moo'od.
B: Just drink some 'calf'inated coffee, and you'll be fine.
L: I'd be laughing 'stock' of the town... Cows don't have a sense of humor.
B: Bull!
L: I'll just use my cowculator do determine how much sleep I'm actually going to get tonight...
B: You could wake up a little later, but you'd have to 'hoof' it to the airport.
L: Hope the weather is good, so my plane isn't 'ground'ed 'beef'.
B: That's stretching it... You should make more of an 'heifer't to come up with good puns.
L: I know when I'm getting creamed.
B: It's hard to 'steer' you in the right direction, because you keep changing topics.
L: That's udderly ridiculous. I'm just trying to mooove on.
B: And I just keep churning 'em out...
L: No, you're just spinning your 'veal's.
B: That's one of the best ones I've herd all night!
L: I thought I might've butchered it...
B: PETA might have a beef with you because of it, though...
L: Well done, well done...
B: I don't think they care leather or not you personally slaughtered it, too.
L: See now, I wish you'd stop 'grilling' me about the bad puns... You should 'patty' yourself on the back. I 'dairy' you to come up with more.
B: Well, you can certainly steak a claim for being able to hold your own...
L: I'm a natural 'barn' comedian. However, I really should quit 'yak'king and go to bed. :p
B: Okay, that's not cows... You lose. You 'cud' have done a lot better.
L: The grass is greener on the other side, okay? Also, cows live in barns, and yaks are related to cows.
B: It was still quite a stretch... Don't have a cow about it.
L: Ha anymoo. Goodnight! Also, don't die of mad cow disease.
The conversation at coffee hour turned to 3D printing.
Me: Hopefully we'll be able to 3D print pieces of meat so we don't have to have factory farms anymore.
Dad: "If we start printing the meat we'll have to eat it in megabytes."
He was very satisfied with the exasperated groaning from the rest of the table.
I work at Tim Horton's (Coffee shop in the Northeast US/Canada).
Lady: Can I have a medium with nothing in it?
Me: Okay, but do want the coffee too?
We were pulling up to a coffee shop with a fairly crowded frozen yogurt store named Sweet Frog next door. My daughter upon getting out says "The frogurt store is slammed".
I seized my opportunity replying to her with "Don't you mean the frog-urt store is hoppin?"
Laying in bed with my wife the morning after an anniversary date. "Hunny, those mussels were SO good last night!"
"Well yeah, I mean I'm not working out for no reason!"
Rolls eyes. Gets out of bed and makes coffee. Was not spoken of again. I regret nothing.
My teacher helped my team after class to work on some practice problems.
Teacher: What questions do you have?
Girl in my group: Starts explaining questions but stops to drink her Starbucks coffee.
Teacher (to the group): I think she's more concerned about her coffee than the question.
Girl in my group: What? I didn't have enough coffee today!
Teacher: I think you may have had too much coffee today!
Me: Too much coffee? I haven't heard her cough once!
Teacher: With a huge smile on his face he let out a massive groan. He then picks up my pencil and tosses it to the other side of the room.
Fun semester. Definitely miss that class.
My buddy and I brought in pizza from Godfather's Pizza this past weekend. We walked into his cluttered studio apartment with the pizza and some beers and I looked around for a place to put the pie.
His kitchen table had no room; neither did his coffee table. When I asked him where I should put it he told me just to set it down on top of his bed while we made space.
"Are you sure you want me to put it there?" I asked.
"Yeah, what's the big deal?"
"You want me to put the pizza on this - the duvet of my daughter's bedding?"
I could hear Brando groaning from beyond the grave.
He bought his coffee and paid with a Β£10 note and got his change which included a new Β£5 note which is plastic and still fairly uncommon. The woman serving said:
"This is the first time I've seen these, see cause it's plastic do you think you could leave it in your pocket and wash it and it would be ok?"
"You can't do that, it's illegal."
"How's it illegal?"
"It's money laundering" he said with a sly grin.
I work in a shared office space with two co-workers, one of which is a coffee addict like me.
We share a French press, and as I was taking the bag of coffee and press to the breakroom, I asked her, "Guess what time it is?" expecting the response "coffee time."
Her response: "Eight o'clock?"
It was most definitely not 8am, and took me a second to realize she was referring to the brand of coffee I was holding.
A groan and reluctant smile followed.
The checkout lady started wrapping the two coffee cups that my friend and his fiancΓ© were buying and said
"Now be careful with these, because I'm not good at wrapping." To which the dad said
"It's easy!" And began beat boxing.
Not technically rapping, but still made me cry.
This might be a bit long? My family isn't the brightest of individuals.
Sister: My balls are caught in the door!
Me: LOL, WHAT?
Sister: The poof balls on my shoes.
**Grandpa**: I saw you took my junk out of your car and threw it into my car.
**Grandma**: *grins and nods*
**Grandpa**: You're so sweet.
**Grandma**: And I saw lotto tickets too.
**Grandpa**: I dunno where those came from.
**Grandma**: Uh-huh. Probably a damn $5 dollar ticket too.
**Grandpa**: No, $2.
**Me**: He doesn't know where they came from, but he knows how much they cost.
**Grandpa**: *starts adding more to my list of chores*
~
**Grandpa**: It's kinda hot in here.
**Grandma**: NO IT'S NOT, Take off your damn clothes if you're hot.
**Grandpa**: Is that all you ever want me to do, take my clothes off?!
**Me**: OH DEAR GOD, I'M RIGHT HERE.
~
**TV**: The line, "To be, or not to be. That is the question!" is from which Shakespeare play?
**Grandma**: Julius Caesar, right?
**Me**: Wow.
~
**Me**: How can you NOT like that movie. It has WILL SMITH.
**Grandma**: *thinks* Is it that movie, and he has a partner?!
**Me**: YES. And he's in the west and there's that giant spider at the end!
**Grandma**: WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?!
**ME**: I DID.
~
**Grandpa**: I need to get a tree saw.
**Grandma**: What's a tree saw...
**Me**: A TREE SAW. A saw, that saws trees. You can't simplify it anymore than that.
~
*while watching American Idol*
**Me**: Omg, that guy's nose is HUGE.
**Grandpa**: If he sniffs really hard, he could overdose on oxygen.
~
**Grandpa**: I'm looking for my camouflage underwear, but they're camouflaged so well, that I can't find them!
~
*Sister rambles on about hating cats and how they're scary*
**Me**: You're just a weenie, Tyla.
**Tyla**: Oh yeah? Well at least Papa loves weenies!
*Me and Papa look at each other*
**Me**: I sure as hell hope Papa does NOT like weenies.
~
*As we drive home, the tornado siren goes off*
**Kaylah**: Have you ever seen it?
**Me**: ...Seen what?
**Kaylah**: The car with the siren.
**Me**: What in the hell are you talking about?
**Kaylah**: Isn't the tornado siren on a car that drives around town?
**Me**: ......
~
*While driving through Alton one morning*
**Grandma**: Here, take a sip of this.
**Me**: Ew. Coffee is nasty.
**Grandma**: No it isn't! It wakes ya up, and puts hair on your chest!
~
*Grandma walks out of the bathroom and wipes her wet hands on my face*
**Grandma*We were at McDonalds getting a coffee when she asked me to go to the separate counter and get her come sugar.
I replied with, "Why? You're already so sweet."
The woman making the coffee dropped it because she was laughing so hard and the old couple behind me burst out laughing.
I can't wait til I become a father.
I was in the car with with both my parents, turning into Starbucks where we see an ambulance parked with its lights flashing. As we get closer, two paramedics come out of the store with a man on a stretcher. My dad drives up to order from the drive thru and says...
"So I heard you guys have some killer coffee."
Mike Rowe on meeting Robin Williams the first time:
The first was in 2006 - June or maybe July. I walked into The Roastery down on Chestnut, ordered a coffee, and sat down to read the paper. I soon discovered I was in one of those chairs with one leg shorter than the rest, and resolved to remedy the problem by jamming a folded-up coaster under the offending limb. I bent down, got the thing positioned properly, and managed to smack my head on the edge of the table on the way back up. Hard. The impact was noisy, and sent coffee slushing all over The Chronicle, which in turn lead to an βAhh...shit!,β a little louder than I intended. A second later, a voice said, βNo, I believe thatβs coffee. Shitβs the stuff I see you crawling through every time I turn on the TV.β
We were out at dinner with the family, finished our meals and about to order coffee.
Dad: I don't drink coffee
Me: Why?
Dad: Because it's dirt. You know why?...
Me:...
Dad: Because it's ground.
crickets
Edit: spacing
About a week ago I purchased one of those cheap checkout isle toys for my son. In particular it was one of the fan type toys that looks like a helicopter, with a small compartment of candy under the handle. Naturally he downs the candy and is toting the toy around for the next six or seven days, putting random items in the compartment. One day it is Lego's, another its rocks, another its dirt, so on and so forth.
Every time he puts something new in it he comes up and shows me what he was able to fit into the compartment.
This afternoon I was getting ready for work and drinking my coffee (night shift's this weekend), when he comes up to me with the helicopter. "Dad, look" as he is shaking the toy around with something rattling inside. "look, look". OK buddy, whats in there?
"CD's".... Huh? the compartment is smaller than a roll of quarters, how does he have cd's in there?
He proudly opens it up and goes "see theese... hahahaha", and just stands there waiting for my reaction.
While over at a friend's house, my coffee had gotten cold. I asked him if I could "borrow your microwave."
He responded with "sure, as long as you bring it back."
She had an accident a while ago and a friend of hers got her second baby, Leon, in October. She was sitting there with her coffee, thinking about the things that happened in the last months. After a while she says
"Leon was born on October 5th, exactly one month after my accident" - "huh, and here I thought it usually takes 9 months from accident to birth...".
She was speechless.
Whenever on a highway, there is a hotel advertising they have free coffee with a sign that says "Free Coffee"
"I wonder what Coffee did to get locked up?"
Or anything "Free Whatever" for that matter.
I always bring my own coffee (because mine is better and I'm cheap) whenever I go to study. Since it's a hot day out I decided to get a cup of ice from the coffee shop to make a nice iced coffee. Thankfully the opportunity for a dad joke presented itself whenever the person I was with order an Iced Latte. I had no other choice but to order a "Latte Ice"
Of course I had to explain to the barista that I actually wanted a cup of ice, of course she gave me a courtesy laugh, and of course I'm posting this to reddit instead of actually studying.
My girlfriend and I were getting coffee and tea at wawa.
Her- Do you like the Irish Cream? Me- yeah but not really with French vanilla coffee. Her- Why not? Me- it's just that I-rish it wasn't so sweet.
I realized what I had done and we had to go our separate ways.
My son played a orchestra concert at the local University xmas program, they had a reception afterwards with cookies and coffee, ect.
In line for the goodies, the older guy ahead of me and my wife turned around looking at us through the plastic see through plate and said:
"Clearly, this is a plate"
This is just a thank you for a well timed joke. Read the one the other day about tiramisu and laughed. I never thought I'd be able to use it as we never have it in the house. Then, at the end of the day, the wife comes into the house with a large tiramisu cake. I saw the opportunity and I took it. She laughed for several minutes straight. I had to eat a piece even though I'm not a big fan of coffee so she won in the end.
Disclaimer: I'm not a Dad.
Yesterday my sister posted on facebook that her son had had a collision with a coffee table, the result of which is 6 stitches next to his eye, and his eye has swollen up.
My facebook response: "Sounds like he'll be eyeing the coffee table sideways for a little while."
I heard it from my wife's dad, but I use it all the time now.
When ordering drinks: "I'll take a coffee and some water. Separate cups, please."
I usually get a slightly confused look followed by a smile or chuckle, but sometimes it stops the waitress dead in her tracks. On a scale of 1 to 10, my wife's AnnoyOMeter is at about a 6 with this joke.
I was having coffee with a buddy of mine when I took a huge sip and had a coughing fit. As soon as I was done, without missing a beat, he looks at me in the eye with a massive grin and says, "That's why they call it coff-ee!"
A colleague from the .net department came into our department (java) and said, i must have forgotten my coffee here, he picked it up and on his way back to his department a colleague told him that he accidentally took his fish with him
I was out getting food with my mock trial team and we went to a place called Jones Bros which was a cupcake and coffeeshop. I got a coffee called the "Nirvana Carmel Latte". After I sat down, my friend asked me how it tasted. I said "It tastes like teen spirit".
My parents are in their late 60s (this is relevant to the dad joke), and our whole family was visiting for the day for my sister's and my birthday. While my mom was trying to fill the coffee maker with water my dad asked her how many candles he'd need to total our combined ages. She started thinking about it and poured water all over the kitchen counter.
My dad went around the rest of the day telling everyone not to ask her any difficult questions because she can't concentrate and hold her water at the same time.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it's tearable.
I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.
What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.
Ill call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad.
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant
Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.
What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.
He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him.
Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it.
About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.
The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked
the monk replied "Religious reasons."
The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?"
"Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.
He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him.
Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it.
About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.
The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked
the monk replied "Religious reasons."
The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?"
"Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."
So I'm at work with my dad today, and things have been relatively easy. We took a break to have a cigarette and a coffee, and I decided I'd have a drink of water instead. I come back with his coffee, and he notices that I have water.
Dad: Did you not make a coffee?
Me: Nah, I felt like a water.
Dad: Well, you don't look like one.
I can't even.
I made some Coffee and I said with to myself out loud as I was getting my cup:
"Coffee! Don't mind if I brew!"
That's when I thought of the name of a Cafe I need to open.
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