Tour guide: And did you know that if you live across from a cemetery, you can’t be buried there?
Me: What?? Why not?
Tour guide: Because you’re still alive!
Functor? I never even met her.
I still think about it sometimes - the WAN that got away.
We were walking from the library and I had a travel coffee mug but the little bit of coffee left had gone cold. I dumped the remainder in the grass so I could put it in my backpack.
GF: "Don't dump your coffee in the grass!!"
Me: "It's okay, it's ground coffee" The look on her face...
... they formed a joint committee to try to solve the problem.
should be called the Google Drive
I asked one of the workers what display was supposed to be at the empty table next to theirs; I knew the worker was a dad because he replied:
"It was supposed to be a BDSM Safety table, but none of them could make it...I guess they were all tied up."
It has the most stories.
"My my, it sure is drafty in here!"
He told her she should join and I told him she wasn't Asian and so my dad says "but you went to orientation"
Told him right above the third.
He was not impressed.
Q: What happens when a man forgets to pay the exorcist?
A: He gets repossessed!
Little background: I was standing on a roughly-3' rock wall along a sidewalk/eating area on campus. My friend was sitting at a table next to this.
We were engaging in a lively discussion when a girl walks by and sternly asks; "Are you talking down to her?" - and starts laughing maniacally.
Having a solid appreciation for dad jokes, I laugh heartily too and gently whisper "be my dad?" as she walks away...
"Sorry to get cheesy on you guys, but we are in Wisconsin" I groaned as I walked by.
At the hippo campus
She doesn't know who the father is, so she goes to every dude on the campus she recently had sex with, tells them
"I'm pregnant."
Luckily the guy was found when his newly developed senses made him answer:
"Hi pregnant. I'm dad."
Here's a programming joke for y'all
How did the founder of the tech company build his company's campus?
By calling the Constructor():
Q: Did you hear that U of Alabama's library burned? A: It's true! They lost all 3 of their coloring books!
Q: What do you call a beautiful girl on campus at U of A? A: A visitor!
Q: What do a maggot and a U of A fan have in common? A: They can both live off a dead bear for twenty years.
Q: How many Alabama fans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 80,001. 1 to change the bulb, 80,000 to talk about how great the old lightbulb was.
Q: How do you make Alabama cookies? A: Put em in a bowl and whip em for 60 minutes.
Q: Did you hear Saban was going to dress up 20 players for the Iron Bowl? A: The rest will have to dress themselves.
Q: Alabama is changing their mascot to the Opossums. A: They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
Q: What do Alabama players get on their SATs? A: Drool.
War Eagle!!!
I'm running a booth at an orientation fair at a major university in the south. New out of state student and his dad come up and introduce themselves.
Me: "So, how did you end up in the south?"
Dad: "We drove."
Me: "No, I mean what brought you down here?"
Straight-faced dad: "The car."
I was on a bus route headed to Target to pick up some groceries. I was in a hurry so I had opted for the express route. The bus picks up on the part of my college campus where the streets are named after the great lakes. We pass Erie and Ontario, and the bus driver comes over the intercom and says:
"This bus will be express from Huron out."
Everybody groans, the driver has a good chuckle, and I begin laughing like a maniac.
The HippoCampus!
They have a huge Hippo Campus
I noticed a couple of really cute ground squirrels that have started a little community next to the soccer field at our college campus, and pointed them out. This was his reply.
DH: Oh man, they’re adorable! Can you buy one of those at a pet store? I wonder how much they’d gopher....
The Hippo Campus
We are trying to convert a standard restroom in a state-owned building on our campus to be gender neutral.
Boss: "Unfortunately, state law says we need to get approval from the bathroom folks in the state capital."
Me: "That could take some time...I hear they are all backed up."
My seminar professor emails us, "No BioPsych today guys. We are interviewing 2017 people."
(she's referring to students in Sophomore graduating year who are applying for this concentration)
I respond in my email, "Wow 2017 people! That's practically the size of the entire student body! Good luck!" (we have a small campus)
Can I be a dad yet?
Christina Aguilera and her boyfriend were in college. Now, Christina likes men with lots of testosterone, and her boyfriend was no exception, but the downside was, he was already losing his hair. "I would do something about it," he'd say, "but I don't know how much it would cost." One weekend they went to a student fair, and one of the campus groups was holding a couples' spelling contest. They were offering all kinds of gag items as prizes; condoms, jock straps, training bras, that sort of thing. The top prize for the winning guy was a hairpiece, valued at $100. So Christina helpfully suggested to her boyfriend, "If you won a bee with me, baby, there's a priced toupée!"
My family comes up to visit and see the campus and as we drive down the road between the stadium and the cemetery I mentioned to them how hard it is to get tickets this year. Pointing in the direction of the cemetery, my dad proceeds to say "oh I bet they're just dying to get in!"
Groans all around.
Walking around campus today with my girlfriend
'Hey what's that building?'
'The observatory'
'Oh. Who's Tory and why are we observing her?'
So we were eating at our campus dining hall, and my girlfriend says "here, do you want this chicken? It tastes like egg"
"Well, to be fair..."
So my friend and I were eating dinner at a restaurant on campus, and there was a limited-time special called the "Alaska Salmon." Being curious, I asked my friend if he thought it would be good to try. He said, "I don't know, I'll ask the salmon."
Sitting at the coffee shop on campus when I catch this gem: Daughter: I need to be studying for exams but I keep procrastinating Dad: You know I once tried to write a book about procrastinating, I never finished it
The hippo campus!
I went to the convenience store on my college campus because I needed to get some nail clippers. A girl I knew walked in and this exchange was had after we had started talking:
Me: The only good clippers they had were in this pack with this other body care stuff, do you want any of it?
Girl: Sure, but those are toenail clippers. There are some fingernail clippers over there (very small ones).
Me: I have very thick nails, so those won't cut it.
The look she gave me told me how close she was to groaning.
Edit: Spelling
I was getting dropped off at school with my now wife by my now father-in-law. There was a little person on campus who happened to pass in front of our car while smoking a cigarette as we were getting ready to get out.
>Wife: "There's the LP who is in my African American studies class. She always has a cigarette in her hand."
>Father-in-law: "She should be careful; it may stunt her growth."
>Me: smirk
My college cross country coach was a source of endless terrible jokes. One time, the team was preparing to embark on a long run from campus, and our coach told us to be careful.
"Did you heard about the guy who got hit by a car last week? He lost his left arm and his left leg."
"Oh no! Is he ok?"
"He's all right now."
Dad drives me to campus this morning so he can use the car later. At a crosswalk a police officer is always waving his hand, either toward students who want to cross or the other direction for cars to come through. Every time he says "hey man, if you want to fly you need both hands." (with the windows closed)
While waving to our car with one hand he actually started waving hello to someone else. We cracked up when he finally took my dad's advice.
It was towards the end of the semester and my parents had come to my university to see my choir concert as well as pick up some of the things from my dorm I didn't need any more. I went back to my dorm to get my bicycle and the replacement tire I was supposed to put on the bike but never got around to it. To make things easier, I put the tire around my neck and across my chest so I could wheel the bike to the campus center to meet up with my family and my boyfriend. As I'm walking up to them, my dad looks me up and down and says "Are you sure that's the proper atTIRE?"
My 6th grade teacher had a reputation of being the meanest, strictest teacher on campus, but once I made it through his class, I realized he could be a jokester, too.
-In math class, he liked to tell a long, complicated story about a boy encountering a genie, eventually wishing for some odd things, just to end it with the punchline, "Gee, I'm a tree." (geometry)
-Another one of his long jokes consisted of a man being chased by a hearse. In a fit of desperation, he throws some Halls throat lozenges at it...."and the coffin went away."
-During study time, he would sometimes grab a balloon from his desk, blow it up, and proceed to slowly let air out of it, just to produce the squeaky noise.
-His favorite short joke: "Doctor, doctor, I broke my arm in three places!" "I advise you to stay out of those places."
-He was also probably the all-time leader of correcting, "Can I go to the bathroom?"
-He would also occasionally play opera music at the end of the day, not dismissing the class until we made it through an entire song without laughing.
-There were also a couple words that incited a specific reaction from him. Many of these words showed up often in history class, which is his favorite subject (probably because of all the jokes):
-
CARGO - "cargo beep beep".
-
RAY - Whenever the word or name "ray" was mentioned, he would always respond with "You can call me Ray, or you can call me Jay, but ya doesn't have to call me Johnson." Needless to say, we hated the math lesson about rays.
-
HUDSON - During mentions of the Hudson River in history, he would always sing back "HUDSON 3-2-700."
-
OKLAHOMA - Whenever Oklahoma came across, he would sing the famous line from Oklahoma! the musical. (with an especially long "ohhhhhhh!")
-
SURELY - "...and don't call me Shirley." (but of course, who doesn't respond with that?)
-
GERONIMOOOO!!!! - pretty self explanatory.
-
Sticking with these obscure quotes and references, his two favorite days of the year are November 5th and March 15th.
Anyway, it was a fun year with that teacher. I'll add more of his quirks if I think of any.
-Also,
... keep reading on reddit ➡He will always chime in "When I was in college, the big fraternity on campus was 'I felt a thigh.'"
So I was texting my brother when an idea occurred to me.
Me: Guess what! There was a murder on campus!
Brother: What?!?
Me: Sent a picture of at least 30 crows.
Brother: Wow.
He didn't respond to my texts for a while after that.
We both work at a university caught in the midst of this cold front. I'm in admissions and he's the supervisor in the on campus power/heat plant.
"Dad, can you turn up the heat a little bit? The rest of campus is freezing."
"The dilithium crytals are overheating. She can't take anymore, captain."
