When I was single I had this one night stand

But then I got married and we bought a second night stand.

πŸ‘︎ 121
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πŸ‘€︎ u/coleosis1414
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
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My mom's been cackling at this bad pun for three days.

So my front yard has a lot of weeds and crappy grass I've been trying to get rid of for years. They're mutants, so nothing will kill them. This year, one of the decorative rocks has turned out to be covered by a giant shroom as well. This thing is enormous. It has about a hundred different canopies, but as far as I can tell it's all one organism.

So I was talking with her about things I might be able to use to get rid of all this stuff, shroom included, and after she suggested a mixture of various household products I asked if it would work on fungus as well. She said it was worth a shot and asked why I wanted to know.

I replied, "Because that thing's just taking up way too mush room."

I was over it in a few seconds, but she's been randomly cracking up for days now. Send help.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Batshit_Betty
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2018
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What sound does it make when an ogre eats a witch for breakfast?

Snap cackle n' pop

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ashjmc89
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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There's only one thing that scares me about Halloween
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2020
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(very slightly vulgar) What’s the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?

Beer nuts are just over five dollars, deer nuts are only under a buck.

πŸ‘︎ 152
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JohnnyBucanneer
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
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I threw a dictionary at a witch once.

But I missed. If only I had more experience casting spells!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CIMMGW
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
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Shell yeah
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Extrahub
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2019
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Dad calls me up with this one and my mom is cackling in the background

Dad calls me up: "Hey, son, what do you call a thousand rabbits standing abreast and jumping backwards? It's a receding hare line."

I can practically hear the look on my dad's face over the phone.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThePrimeOptimus
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2014
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Seems like a fungi to have at parties... Halloween parties.
πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Razabeth
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2019
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I really don't get aromatherapy.

To me, it just doesn't make any frankincense.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/B1ZAr0
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2019
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What do witches use to do math problems?

A cackle-ator

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
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Where do sea witches keep their laughs?

In a cackle box 🎣

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/unuther_one
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2019
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Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
πŸ‘︎ 171
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mentalstarvation
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2018
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Just got my daughter with this one.

I started singing Karma Chameleon and my daughter sys "Thanks dad, that'll be stuck in my head all day now"

I said "No it won't, it'll come and go"

Cue disgusted look at my cackling laugh.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/overkill
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2019
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I might regret introducing my father to Reddit

A few days ago, my dad (who is a recent Reddit convert) and I were watching "American Hustle" and in the middle of the movie, Christian Bale's character opens up a safe at one of his dry cleaning businesses.

Dad taps me on the shoulder, leans over and says:

"OP Delivered"

He immediately began cackling as I groaned.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/msassafras
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2013
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Dadjoked in the Arby's drive though.

The cashier says "It's $19.97," and my husband responded "I'm pretty sure it's 2014." Groans were had by myself, our son, and the cashier, while my husband cackled gleefully.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/poptart88
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2014
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I turned an English paper into one giant pun.

A Call to Arms A Plead to the Limbless

The Armless are a stump among society and could easily achieve more. It’s bothersome that somebody with great potential could allow themselves to lose grip of what they aspire for. The radius of support and development that surrounds these people is astounding. Yet they bite the hand that feeds and throw away opportunities. With each passing day they are crippled by the errors in their ways. Not only are they not properly handling the situation, they are doing a disservice to society. Most will say to refrain from pointing fingers, but it is pertinent that we show them their faults.
All aside we should most certainly not try to elbow my way into their lives. However, if they were to branch off into their own progressive groups it would be most beneficial. And severance is a good thing between them and the public. This doesn't mean a complete amputation of them from society. Perhaps selective assistance will help these people find a well fitted sleeve within their communities. This process is difficult and lending a helping hand can make the difference. On the other hand, we have those who don’t try to succeed. Their negligence is worthy of more than a mere slap on the wrist. When somebody refuses to apply themselves, they are holding back progress. By giving themselves mental limitation they are creating a prosthetic disability they must abide by. The majority of working to achieve goals is believing you can reach out and grab them. But, somebody who gives up is cutting themselves short of success Seeing somebody give up is the furthest thing from being humerus. Urging these people is a necessity, otherwise they will never try their hardest, encourage them to use some elbow grease and put forth full effort. Any small contribution is better than being a detriment, community service, obtaining greater education, enlisting in the armed forces, these all benefit society. Drastic changes of this scale are sure to cause discontent, grab a tissue if need be, but never give up. For all those that are currently wasting away without contribution, it's time to limb’er up and take charge.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chewy_64
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2015
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It's a proud moment as a father...

When your 8 year old says "yeah, that makes sense" and your 4 year old looks at him, barely containing a cackle and says, "like dollar cents?"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DreamSmuggler
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2018
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I knew I guy from Hawaii that had a weird laugh...

Some describe it as a cackle, but I always thought it was more of a low ha.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kevingcp
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2017
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So, my dad comes home from work with this

"So, I put a paper in the mailboxes of a few teachers."

"Oh jeez. What did you do this time?"

"I typed a Word Document that said 'Please fill out this form' and left the rest of the page blank. dad cackle

You shoulda heard what they were saying: 'Why did they give ME one? Did YOU get one?' Everyone was losing their minds!"

πŸ‘︎ 108
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KingZant
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2013
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My silly I.T dad is convinced he's a comedic genius

So my sister brought her computer over for my dad to fix. From my room, some 30 minutes later, i just heard him sniggering, and eventually balling his eyes out with laughter. He summons me over, and says through teary eyes "Look what i changed her computer name to!" So, look i did, expecting something silly. Sure enough, he had called it "Banana". I just shook my head and walked off while he cackled maniacally in his chair.

πŸ‘︎ 399
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WerdsWerth
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2013
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My 5yo came up with 2 dad jokes, she's definitely daddies little girl:

What is weak? A: The week days!

What is tough? A: The Week ends!

She sat came up with each of these a few days apart and cackled after saying them. My wife groaned, I was so proud :D

πŸ‘︎ 175
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kactusotp
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2014
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So you going out?

We were doing some Sunday chores and my wife asked me:

Wife: Do you know where the broom is? Me: Why, you going out? Wife: Corner smile, eyes rolling...slight cackle and evil look. I'm lucky, she usual appreciates my "Dad humor."

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/levelologist
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2014
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My dad's go to

Anytime my dad sees a dog licking its own balls if there is anyone around he ask "don't you wish you could do that?" If the person responds yes he cackles his way through "give it a try I'm sure he'd let you."

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rainer51
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2017
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Brightening my BF's recovery from surgery with Dad Jokes

Background: My boyfriend is stuck on crutches after having hip surgery and likes to sit in the recliner with his legs propped up. Since he can't move his hips, I have to lower the footrest for him to get out of the chair.

Him: Can you put my feet down so I can go relax in the bed for a while?

Me: Feet, you're stupid and useless and no one likes you!

Him giving me silence with a side of contempt while I cackle.

Laughter is the best medicine...

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HuskeyG
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2014
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My dad got my brother

Brother: Im such a huge fan of The Walking Dead.

Dad: Really? You look normal sized to me (cackling commences).

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rabidwombats96
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2015
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Watching Long Island Medium and dad walks in...

Long Island medium- "hi, I'm a medium"

Dad-"a medium? More like an extra large"

He cackled and walked away.

O dad.

πŸ‘︎ 84
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Burd_mama
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2013
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Dad at brownie camp

When my dad and I were dropping my sister off at brownie camp a few weeks ago, several of the adults came over to us to say hello. They introduced themselves as Snowy Owl, Tawny Owl, and Barn Owl. My dad chirps in with "So is that the pecking order then?" and elbows me in the ribs, cackling away.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pepewonder
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2014
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So I almost hit my wife in the head with an ironing board

When she freaked out I looked her dead in the eyes and said, "We'll that would have been ironic" before running away cackling.

I think she might kick me out

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/purpletomahawk
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2016
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Dadjoked my lecturer

The whiteboard is always a mess from the previous class and every week my lecturer has been getting more and more annoyed that the previous guy doesn't clean the board after use.

This morning as he begrudgingly stepped towards the board he sighed and asked the heavens, "when will be the day that I stop having to wipe this board?"

I said to him, "I think the writing's on the wall Professor."

I got one cackled laugh amongst many groans

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/grayworks
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2014
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I dad joked my student last week.

Student (upon entering the room): Today is horrible.

Me: No, today is Thursday.

Followed by cackling laughter from me, a chuckle from another student, and confused/annoyed look from the angry student.

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jellykones529
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2015
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An all time low for my dad...

Pops takes me, my wife, and my kids out for a post Christmas meal at the Rainforest Cafe.

We stand in line to put our names on the list. After giving the lady our name, my old man stops her and asks, "Excuse me mam, but do you allow pets in here?"

She responds back with a quizzical "I'm sorry but no."

Pops turns to me and says, "Sorry son, looks like you are waiting in the car." He then does the corny half laugh half cackle while the restaurant worker rolls her eyes and my wife laughs at me.

Damn him and his corny jokes!!!

P. S. Will use this on my kids later this week.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SouthpawNRelief
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2013
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Every time I take a shower...

QB: "Hey, do you need to use the bathroom? I'm going to take a shower."

Dad: "Where are you taking it?" cackles

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2014
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Recently moved to a new state.

I was at a playground in our new town with the wife and kid. Wife is chatting with another mom. Wife tells her we just moved here. Other mom asks "what brought ya'll here." I respond "a car" and cackle like a mad man.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DonkeyBONEZ
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2014
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Just heard this gem from a friend's dad

Friend: "it's like a long board but shorter"

Friend's dad: "so it's a medium board?"

Cue dad cackle

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GlowingSun
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2013
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A few days ago at work

I begin to pour the remainder of the freshly cooked chips from the tray on to the plate. At the bottom I notice there are some fries left in the tray. Coworker leans in and says "Surfries!"

I set the tray down and we cackle over the remark. Manager quickly puts his hand on the counter and flips the tray up, sending a small portion of salty fries into and around his eye. I turn to my coworker: "Surfries!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2014
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A dadjoke classic

Her: "Mommy, I'm poopy!"
Myself: "Hi poopy, I'm /u/PM_ME_YOUR_EYESMILE!"
Her: "Ugg! Don't do that!" Myself: mad cackling

I'm not sure I should have kids.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ May 16 2014
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What was the last thing that went through his mind?

Driving in car and bug hits windscreen Dad: What was the last thing that went through his mind? Pause Dad: His arse! Cackles

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Androgynousy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2014
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My dad and brother teamed up!

I'm home for the holidays so I was lying down in my room when suddenly my brother and father burst in! My brother is holding a tape measure.

They say "Hey, check out this new physics we've invented!" while my brother fiddles with the tape measure.

I looked up and with a mixture of horror and resignation I asked "What?"

"It's the principle of BELLYTIVITY!" while stretching the tape measure between their belly buttons.

Cackling they both ran out of the room.

I'm stuck here for five more weeks. I don't think I'm gonna make it.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Eschaton
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2013
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my dads go to joke

Me arguing with my dad Me: I'm serious dad! Dad: no you're not, you are hoopla161 Dad starts cackling to himself

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hoopla161
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2013
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Met this awesome dude today.

I was walking through the store and nearly bumped into him so I apologized. His response follows:

"That reminds of the guy that went to Wal-Mart with his dog. He walks inside and starts swinging the dog around over his head. The manager run over screaming, 'Hey buddy what are you doing with that dog? Cut it out!' And the guy says back 'Oh you don't understand. This is my seeing eye dog. I was just taking a look around!'"

Then he walked away cackling to himself.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alfrohawk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2014
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Dad thought he was pretty clever with this one...

I had been talking today about wanting to bake something sweet, but we didn't get back home until pretty late. I said aloud that I was awfully tired.

Sister: "I thought you were going to bake?"

Dad: "She can't bake. She's already fried."

Then he cackled for like 30 seconds.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/0vinq0
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2013
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Indian naming rituals, dad joke from my Dad

Son: Dad how did I get my name? Chief: Well, we name everyone by things we see when they're born, when your sister came into the world we were by a brook so we named her Running Brook, when your brother was born we saw a bear so we named him Running Bear Son: Oh, I get it, Two Dogs Fucking!

He could barely get it out and tells me it weekly, still cackling the whole way through

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bassethounder
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2013
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What does a witch use to do math?

A cackle-ator.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-Chowder-
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2017
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