I canβt stand people who take drugs.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Sep 05 2022
What's the best descriptor for a bull that has just swallowed a bomb?
Abominable.
What about when the bomb goes off?
Noble.
π︎ 360
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︎ Sep 07 2022
Taking the bait
π︎ 475
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︎ Sep 02 2022
I went to the local beekeeper to buy some bees. All of them had a price tag on except one..
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︎ Sep 04 2022
Talk about getting burned.
π︎ 489
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︎ Aug 26 2022
Whoever stole my Microsoft office access
I'll find you. You have my word.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Jul 14 2022
sometimes when people are sad I let them color in my tattoos
Sometimes people just need a shoulder to crayon
π︎ 791
π
︎ Jul 27 2022
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza
Guess I should cooked it at aloha temperature
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π
︎ Sep 20 2022
Why did Anakin Skywalker use a Discover Card?
Because the bank did not grant him the rank of Mastercard.
π︎ 58
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︎ Sep 03 2022
I had sex with a blind woman
She said that I was the biggest she'd ever had.
I said, "You're pulling my leg."
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︎ Sep 10 2022
Two cats are having a swimming race. One is called βOne two threeβ, the other βUn deux troisβ. Which cat won?
βOne two threeβ because βUn deux trois cat sankβ.
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︎ Sep 08 2022
I recently bought a shirt in size 'M' but it didn't fit me so it turns out that I'm not a medium after all.
No wonder why I'm not able to contact the dead.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Sep 16 2022
What toys does a Seismologist get their kids?
π︎ 14
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︎ Sep 10 2022
My wife yelled at me this morning because the fridge was full of stir fry
Apparently I was sleep wokking again
π︎ 370
π
︎ Jul 25 2022
I just wrote a book on Reverse Psychology
π︎ 58
π
︎ Aug 28 2022
I'm avoiding that weird pancake vendor on the corner.
π︎ 71
π
︎ Aug 29 2022
You hear about the snail who had to call a tow truck?
He couldn't make 'is car go
π︎ 6
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︎ Aug 25 2022
Iβm really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tuesday is open Mike night!
π︎ 13
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︎ Aug 23 2022
What is a tyrannosaurus' favorite book?
π︎ 14
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︎ Sep 08 2022
finally something I can afford
π︎ 188
π
︎ Jul 26 2022
The next Star Wars movie will debut a new droid with a comically-short attention span
π︎ 749
π
︎ Jul 03 2022
How does a meteorologist buy a soda?
π︎ 10
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︎ Aug 15 2022
Did you hear about the Mandalorianβs new range of bodybuilding nutritional products?
π︎ 16
π
︎ Sep 05 2022
Why did the skeleton go to the grocery store?
π︎ 16
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︎ Aug 27 2022
It was a lot of work finding an affordable hairpiece that didn't look fake...
...but it was a small-price toupee.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Sep 07 2022
My friend invented an invisible plane
I can't see it taking off though...
π︎ 15
π
︎ Sep 03 2022
My girlfriend broke up with me so I stole her wheelchair...
Guess who came crawling back?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Sep 16 2022
Best Yard Sale sign ever
π︎ 2k
π
︎ May 31 2022
Do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge my phone in my honda?
Best Buy employee: a cord?Me: no it's a Civic.
π︎ 19
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︎ Aug 25 2022
I can't figure out why no one wants to ride with me
I make sure to tell everyone I'm a wreckless driver.
π︎ 19
π
︎ Aug 21 2022
The family wanted to go on an adventure!
So I took them to the new grocery store that opened across town!!ππ
π︎ 2
π
︎ Sep 08 2022
Went to a restaurant tonight that had "gf" written in the description of certain meals on their menu.
I just thought...Don't try and tell my girlfriend what to order.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Aug 22 2022
My wife is always talking about her baking
She clearly has a lot to prove
π︎ 42
π
︎ Jul 26 2022
I'm starting a business to help short people learn math.
I'm going to call it making the little things count.
π︎ 862
π
︎ Jun 09 2022
I went to the local store last night to buy 6 cans of Sprite..
But when I got home..
I discovered that I had picked 7 up..
π︎ 23
π
︎ Aug 27 2022
I like your style, USPS guy.
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Apr 24 2022
Dad: a sweater I purchased was picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store.
Family: so?
Dad:
They gave me another one free of charge.
π︎ 92
π
︎ Jul 28 2022
There's a very exclusive venamous snakes club in Africa.
π︎ 44
π
︎ Jul 31 2022
What do you call a detective who just solves cases accidentally?
π︎ 16
π
︎ Aug 19 2022
I've been shopping for a mousetrap but I'm hesitant to choose.
I just don't want to make a snap decision.
π︎ 26
π
︎ Aug 16 2022
The wife and I got some friends with one last night
We had some friends over last night to play some board games. At some point, she asked me to get her a drink from the kitchen. When I got in there...
Me: "Hey, can you check the volume of my soda can?"
Wife: Glances at the can, at our friends, then looks back at me with a silly smile, "It's low."
Me: "Yeah, I couldn't hear it either."
It took our friends a few seconds to realize what just happened. "Y'all are coordinating this now?"
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 14 2022
B is for Beatle!
π︎ 17
π
︎ Jul 23 2022
For my wife's birthday I have bought her a fridge....
I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
π︎ 73
π
︎ Jul 23 2022
My weed dealer has a 1 hour delivery service they operate through social media
π︎ 7
π
︎ Aug 08 2022
Circumcisions don't come with a charge.
π︎ 11
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︎ Aug 23 2022
C ya later Alligator
I just wanted to give myself props/receive props because the other day at work (parks & rec) this guy brought an alligator to show the kids. He walked over to me, I pet it & as he turned around, I said βSee ya later Alligatorβ didnβt realize I was waiting my whole life for that moment. Then the guy said he has birds at home & that he was worried his cat would go after them, but itβs the other way around. Then my coworker goes βSOUNDS LIKE Aβ¦- SCAREDY CATβ & then this one person had their dog at the event who ate a caterpillar on the ground and event was interrupted by them & the owner got it out of their dogs mouth, the owner said βSorry, he got a caterpillarβ THEN the guy doing the event said βSOUNDS MORE LIKE A CANT-ERPILLAR TO MEβ
Ahhh⦠was a good day.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jun 16 2022
Does anyone know where I can buy a President in Sri Lanka?
The old one has fled so I Gotabaya new one.
π︎ 20
π
︎ Jul 14 2022
How do you keep sleepy prostitutes awake?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Aug 26 2022
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