It’s in a corona-logical order.
A brush with death
You know what they say though, "Punny doesn't grow on trees..."
After lunch, walking back to the office with two of my colleagues. One of them is carrying a lemon. The other one asks him: "Do you want me to help you with that lemon? So I could be your lemonaide"
sigh...
...Now guess which of the two is a dad
"I just gave my 12th gallon of blood this afternoon. I'm exhausted. That's a lot to sacrifice in one sitting."
So my mom is talking to my dad at the dinner table Mom: So I found a new women's gym! Dad: Yeah? I found a new men's Debbie
They form the basis of standup comedy.
Some, on a vase by vase basis.
It's on a knead to dough basis
On average, this guy walked 11+ miles per day for 40 years. WITHOUT SHOES.
Dude fasted frequently, too, so he didn't get a lot of the nutrients that most people get on a daily basis and presumably had bad breath.
That being said, Gandhi was...
A SUPER CALLOUSED FRAGILE MYSTIC HEXED WITH HALITOSIS.
Time for the “wurst-case scenario”. Glad I brat that to your attention? Sorry, I know these jokes are played, you gotta take sausage jokes on a casing by casing basis. Ok I’ll stop now.
It operates on a knead to know basis.
Not quite as tragic, but it manifested into something which has haunted me at my job for years.
When I was a little kid learning about the world around me, my dad was naturally the font of all knowledge for me, He would answer all of little snippersmith's questions with his own unique insights and anecdotes teaching me of my surroundings with varying degrees of accuracy.
One day In a picture book, I encountered a photo of one of natures most bizarre creatures, the mighty duck billed platypus. Filled with curiosity of this bizarre creature and an Inability to read a young snippersmith asked his father what this creature was called, To which his father replied,
That's a Quackopotamous.....
As is a highly likely situation in day to day life the Platypus (or indeed the Quackopotamous), did not come into conversation for another 17 years, Until of course the Platypus came into conversation around the lunch table at a now grown up snippersmith's full time place of work.
I have not been allowed to forget I thought the Platypus was called a Quackopotamous, Indeed I am reminded on a daily basis by my colleagues, by my nickname Quackopotamous .
Thanks Dad.
EDIT 1: Holy Cow this took off! Gold! thank you so much.
It's tradition to bring baked goods (typically doughnuts) after you get your security clearance. I never bothered to ask why. I just figured it was a nice thing to do. Then it hit me...
Doughnuts and bagels are granted on a knead-to-dough basis.
When I was about 5 years old, my dad told the greatest dad joke. He’d be driving the family through our neighborhood and would say “Look! A man wearing a dress!” My siblings and I would look around and laugh with my dad. We loved when he would say this (it was like an absurd scavenger hunt) but my mother absolutely hated it. “Where? What are you talking about Tom?!” She actually got angry since she couldn’t see the man wearing a dress either. Since he would do this on a semi-regular basis to make us laugh, it became a problem with my mom and she ended up getting so angry as to forbid him saying it ever again.
I never really understood what was going on since I was so young, but I really missed the man wearing a dress joke. At one point, I thought the joke referenced a nearby business with a kilted man for a mascot. A few years ago, I asked my dad what the joke was.
“Oh! It wasn’t the sign,” he told me. “We had a family in the neighborhood with the last name ‘Manwaring’. When we would drive by their house, I’d point at their mailbox and say ‘Look, a Manwaring address!’”
I was too young to read at the time so it took 20 years to be in on his brilliant pun.
They both work with routers on a regular basis.
Neighbor Dad 2: That’s on a need to mow basis.
They all looked at me blankly, so I replied, "I didn’t think so, it’s on a knead to dough basis."
He said only on a knead to know basis
He keeps saying it's on a "knead to know basis".
Glances at his watch, taps it, keeps walking and says "Still ticking. What a scam"
On a daily/hourly basis he reels them off. It's amazing. He also photoshops pictures (using Microsoft Paint, because he likes the challenge) of himself into various ridiculous and punny situations that might be the most comically genius things I've ever seen. If you're interested I'll find some for you guys.
He says it's on a case by case basis
How do two programmers make money? One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
Where’s the best place to hide a body? Page two of Google.
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history – with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
If it weren’t for C, we’d all be programming in BASI and OBOL.
There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway.
An SQL statement walks into a bar and sees two tables. It approaches, and asks “may I join you?”
Why is it that programmers always confuse Halloween with Christmas?
Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft… and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It’s a hardware problem.
I named my hard drive “dat ass” so once a month my computer asks if I want to ‘back dat ass up’.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
I changed my password to “incorrect”. So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say “Your password is incorrect”.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
Wifi went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didn’t know who he was.
I would like to thank everybody that stuck by my side for those five long minutes my house didn’t have internet.
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
Are you a computer whiz? it seems you know how to turn my software to hardwar
... keep reading on reddit ➡He achieves near-Vanna on a daily basis.
on a knead-to-know basis.
I'd tell you, but it's on a knee to toe basis.
I'd tell you but, it's on a knead to dough basis
She's got an iPhone 6S and wanted a case, so I let her know she could also try and iPhone 7 case, but it covers the headphone jack.
Wife: I really like this one
Me: Now are you really okay with it covering the headphone jack?
Wife: oh this one doesn't, it's open at the bottom
Me: Huh. So it's on a case by case basis?
Let's just say I got my daily recommended value of eye roll.
I was complaining about having to buy several permits today and told my girlfriend i was moving to Alaska to get away from "the man". She asked if my new Inuit wife would let her visit, I came up with:
-
she can hold it while i put inuit
-
we could work out a deal where we get to pay each other a visit on a regular basis like when you win the lottery and get an innuity
-
you 2 could share lingerie if you think you could fit inuit
He said that was on a knead-to-know basis.
Throwaway since I could be identified if someone tried hard enough.
My father is currently partaking in a long and grueling pilgrimage of over 300 miles on the Notre Dame Trail. The organizers suggested family members write letters to encourage and motivate the pilgrims.
I have chosen to borrow some amazing content from /r/dadjokes to text to my father on a daily basis. He loves to make bad jokes and is often seen laughing at his own puns. He said he tells the jokes to the group every day when they've finished walking and they always get a chuckle from the crowd.
So sincerely, thank you and keep up the good work!
My mother has also joined him for the final 3 days so if anyone has some good, clean mom related dad jokes, feel free to share them with me!
My friends and I have started to have weekly dinners and we rotate who hosts. We are all single and live alone so we wanted to do something to encourage us to cook a real meal on a regular basis. We need a good name to refer to it and I love puns - so I have come to you Reddit. If it helps, our dinners are Wednesdays. Many thanks!
My mom is disabled and we have to bathe her on a regular basis so today after we'd cleaned her up I asked:
Me: "So how do you feel? Like a million dollars?"
Mom: "Yeah, green and wrinkled."
They only share recipes on a knead to know basis.
So a little back story, I work at a fitness center as a lifeguard. I'm on a pretty friendly basis with a lot of the regulars because the same group usually comes and swim laps around the same time. I usually like to joke with them as they come in, catch up, comment on new swim suits or haircuts or whatever.
Anyway the joke, so a woman comes in wearing a new blue suit with black trim.
I threw my hands up in the air and ask from across the pool, "oh no! Did you get into a fight??"
When she looked at me confused, I then followed up with "You're all black and blue!"
Her audible groan couldn't have been more perfectly timed.
We had a good laugh after that though.
On at least a weekly basis, he will come up and start talking about something. Usually it isn't until half way through I realize he is working it into a joke. They are dad jokes through and through. Figured I would start sharing them as they happen.
So there was a prison break today. They haven't caught him yet. Apparently he is a psychic and a midget. The media is reporting there is a small medium at large.
Mostly doing hip and knee replacements.
On a regular basis, someone will point to the X-ray screen and say: "will someone change the channel? I've seen this episode before"
We lived near a farm that had a corn field adjacted to the road we lived on. So I'd get this one on a regular basis..
*Us driving by the field
- Dad: Hey, don't tell me any secrets.
- Me: Why not?
- Dad: Because the Ear's are listening.
He must've thought that was the funniest thing in the whole world. "A real "Knee Slapper"". Then he would slap his knee.
