Why is the SCP Foundation so terrible and frightening?

Because they have a lot of canons.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/copenhagen_bram
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12
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If the Raspberry Pi foundation teamed up with Apple

they could create a micro computer called Apple Pi.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/theemptyqueue
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19
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My buddy, Evan, just got acquitted of all charges that he was imprinting his face in the foundation of a local housing project.

They couldn't find any concrete Evan dents.

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 17
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A French guy started a charitable foundation that symbolizes the coexistence between faiths; combining "Red Cross" and "Red Crescent". What did he call it?

Red Croissant

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27
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I recently poured concrete for the foundation of a house.

The plot thickens.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhiteWalterBlack
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11
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What do you call a foundation who donates seats?

A chairity

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ItsArgon
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
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My construction company failed after a competitor started a viscous rumor that I build houses without a foundation

It was a baseless accusation

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πŸ‘€︎ u/36chambersoffun
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2019
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I have a rare condition that prevents me from putting on foundation, mascara, eyeliner, etc.

No really, you can’t make this up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cujo92
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2019
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Wife: Have you seen my foundation?

Me: Isn't it holding up the house?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/texas1st
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2019
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My personal trainer said flexibility is the foundation of good fitness...

I guess that all's well that bends well!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2019
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My dad, an engineer for more than 30 years, saw me putting on foundation. He asked me what it was.

I told him it's foundation. Then he asks, "why, are you going to build a house on top of it?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/manicpixie14
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2019
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Dollar General asked me to donate to their Literacy Foundation.

I’m going to write it off.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PostCucumber
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2018
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The Arbor Foundation asked my dad if he'd like to take a survey about their trees.

He said he wood.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dogsaretheanswer
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2017
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Have you heard the legend of the rival twin brothers who laid the foundations for Google Chrome?

Chromulus and Chremus.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Austinja
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2017
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Hey! Did you know that rock and roll can be used as a foundation?

We built this city on it!

My gf rolled her eyes hard at me for this one.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cquehe
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2016
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Digging a foundation with my pops

"Harder than a honeymoon dick"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/deBeerlax
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2013
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I joined the Bladder Foundation and asked whether they needed anything else.

They said, "Urine"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hang_jin
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2014
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When I go...

I have no kids of my own, but my friends keep telling me I'm an incorrigible Dad Jokester. I'll probably still be making wildly inappropriate jokes on my own deathbed.

So when I pass, I just ask that a foundation be created on my behalf. Because then I will be Dad To The World!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Possum
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17
🚨︎ report
I always start my day with makeup

It's the foundation for a good day, y'know? It covers up anything from yesterday and really sets things in place so I can powder through my work.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ohsolinkable
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26
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My son: Dad, what's the hardest thing you've ever done in your life?

Me: I poured some concrete once.

Son: Was that really hard?

Me: It is now.

(This took place at lunch earlier today. Was followed by groans all around.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/havesomemorepie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2019
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A person was accused of burying someone in cement

but there was no concrete evidence.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thisboishere
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
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My wife told me she'd leave me if I don't stop making Microsoft puns, and I need some advice

I immediately left my Office and tried explaining myself. Sure, on the Surface I do it often, but I think it Works. It's not just about Word play, either; my Outlook on life helps me Excel. She and I have such a great Team Foundation, I Azure you. I wanted to Exchange my thoughts with her, so we could work with OneDrive. I looked her right in the Windows of her soul, to Access the deepest parts of her heart, and told her I loved her. Completely on Edge, I awaited her answer...

PowerPoint of the story is: does anyone know of a good divorce lawyer?

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2018
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Looks like October is...

Octover

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ericmc80
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2017
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Why did the model bring her lipstick and eye shadow to school?

Because she had a make-up exam!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/One_Day_Dead
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2019
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How do epileptics make the most of life?

Seize the day!

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2018
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Is this a pun, per se?

Almost 10 years ago now when my daughter’s mom was pregnant with herβ€”waddling miserably towards the tail-end of her third trimester and about ready to popβ€”she looked forlornly at her figure in the mirror one day and announced, β€œOmigod I’m as big as a house!”

And so I, the Rico Suave motherfucker that I am, popped my head up from the book I was reading on the bed and responded thusly without missing a beat:

β€œWell, baby girl, if you’re a house then you’re my dream home...”

I thought our relationship was my rock on which we would build one hundred stories, but there were termites in the foundation. Unfortunately she ultimately turned out to be a mobile home that couldn’t stay tethered to a single lot for more than a few years at a time as, a short time later, she up-and-skedaddled from our lives and has been a deadbeat mom to our little girl ever since. (My daughter and I built a beautiful, cozy little bungalow-for-two anyways.)

Anyway, does that qualify as a pun, or just an extended

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shadow_Boxer1987
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2018
🚨︎ report
What did the construction worker do after he moved to a new city?

He built himself a new life.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Norskey
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2013
🚨︎ report
Underground House Music

"This review says they have the best underground house music in all of Miami"

Dad: "Is that called the foundation?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mcschs
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2017
🚨︎ report
Story of an abusive marriage.

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case? "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?' "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." The judge said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?' "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/v_cleaner
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2015
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Studying for my MCAT when I came across this passage in Verbal.

I have written this book to sweep away all misunderstandings about the crafty art of punnery and to convince you that the pun is well worth celebrating.... After all, the pun is mightier than the sword, and these days you are much more likely to run into a pun than into a sword. [A pun is a witticism involving the playful use of a word in different senses, or of words which differ in meaning but sound alike.]

Scoffing at puns seems to be a conditioned reflex, and through the centuries a steady barrage of libel and slander has been aimed at the practice of punning. Nearly three hundred years ago John Dennis sneered, β€œA pun is the lowest form of wit,” a charge that has been butted and rebutted by a mighty line of pundits and punheads.

Henry Erskine, for example, has protested that if a pun is the lowest form of wit, β€œIt is, therefore, the foundation of all wit.” Oscar Levant has added a tag line: β€œA pun is the lowest form of humorβ€”when you don’t think of it first.” John Crosbie and Bob

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zil2mz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2014
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A dad joke so bad (good?) it killed my brain

My family is on the mailing list for the National Arbor Day Foundation, so we get begging letters from time to time.

In the most recent one, there was an additional flier that had the phrase "Hurry! You don't want to leave behind all the great benefits of being a member of the Arbor Day Society!"

I was immediately disappointed that they didn't say "You don't want to LEAF behind..." I then got SUPER excited to tell this joke to my wife who was in the other room, so I run in to tell her the joke, but by that point, I was so jazzed about the leaf pun, I completely forgot the rest of the phrase, so all I could babble out was (and this is literally what I said) "Something something LEAF! Something something something," all the while giggling like a madman. I have not heard the end of it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crepusculi
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2016
🚨︎ report
"What's the caller ID say?"

"Epilepsy foundation."

"You need to seize that call!!!"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stophauntingme
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2015
🚨︎ report

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