When I woke up this morning, I saw a bird of prey sitting in my backyard eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.
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︎ Mar 20 2021
Saw 3 Mexicans in my backyard the other day.
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︎ Mar 10 2021
I am always careful in my backyard
Because some trees are nuts.
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︎ Mar 18 2021
Yesterday I saw three Mexicans in my backyard
I had to tell them to go away because they were tres passing
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︎ Mar 15 2021
So I caught a frog and a toad having a great time in my backyard just the other day.
They were playing a game of croquet.
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︎ Feb 23 2021
A guy I donβt know wants to cut down the trees in my backyard
I told him βI woodnβt do that if I were youβ
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︎ Jan 10 2021
On the eve of a record breaking cold winter night, a wife notices her husband run to the backyard with a bucket in his hand.
She grabs a cup of hot cocoa and watches through the window as he fills the bucket up with water and races from the back of the house all the way out to the front yard and out of sight. She bundles up and goes outside to get a closer look and sees that heβs cleared the snow from the sidewalk. She watches as he takes his bucket of water and pours it out on the cold concrete. Sheβs puzzled for a second and then says:
Icy, what you did there.
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︎ Nov 20 2020
Over the years, my neighbour has buried his deceased pets in his backyard, and to his surprise, a plant has sprung up.
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︎ Oct 09 2020
I was excavating a large hole in my backyard in order to build an underground office. My neighbor wasn't too happy with the noise and wanted to come and see what all the commotion was about.
I told him to just leave me alone. After all, I'm just mining my own business.
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︎ Oct 23 2020
My wife was complaining about how our next door neighbor's wife started sunbathing nude in their backyard.
Personally, I'm on the fence.
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︎ Sep 18 2020
The poor willow in my backyard just broke one of its main limbs off.
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︎ Sep 05 2020
Backyard jokes with my dogs
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︎ Jul 13 2020
Whenever I walk out to my backyard pond
My fish first pop out to say hello, but then quickly retreat to cover. Then they'll tease like they're coming out again, but then they'll shy away.
What makes them act so coy!?
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︎ Aug 20 2020
A man and his wife had a shed in their backyard. The neighbor asked which of them built it and they both replied that they had built it, leading to a massive argument.
It was a real He-Shed She-Shed situation.
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︎ Aug 12 2020
My archeologist buddy invited me to a party. Apparently the entertainment was looking for leg bones in his backyard.
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︎ Jun 26 2020
I went camping in my backyard last night, bringing along my tablet to watch Pulp Fiction.
I call it "Tentin' Quarantino".
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︎ May 30 2020
While eating porkchops in our backyard.
Me: Hey, you want a bone to chew on?
Son: Gnaw bro.
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︎ May 25 2020
My wife is furious at our next door neighbor who sunbathes topless in her backyard.
Personally, Iβm on the fence.
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︎ Aug 11 2018
My girlfriend gets triggered when I get up and chase the birds away from our backyard every morning.
She says itβs my crow aggression.
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︎ May 03 2020
Why there are tents on your backyard?
Kids are doing something intense.
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︎ May 25 2020
I called my local aviary owner and asked if she had any water birds for my new backyard pond.
She told me she had a bad experience with some water birds and doesn't sell them anymore. I angrily told her that a real aviary owner would sell water birds too.
>!She said she and has no egrets.!<
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︎ Feb 10 2020
I was bored so I dug three holes in my backyard.
My wife came home and said "Well, well, well..."
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︎ Mar 19 2019
The neighborhood dogs always come up to the tree in my backyard.
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︎ Oct 28 2019
My next door Russian neighbor is very secretive about the honeycombs in his backyard.
He might be a cagey bee agent.
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︎ Aug 02 2019
I was helping a buddy install his backyard fence, when I realized I screwed up and had to do it again.
I said, βSorry about the repost.β
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︎ Oct 24 2018
My wife got mad at me for kicking the dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator. Then told me I was terrible with directions. And then she added that I should stop cross dressing in her clothes. She also didn't like the female neighbor sun bathing nude in her backyard.
I nearly shit her pants, even though the ice-incident was water under the fridge! I was on the fence about the neighbor sun-bathing nude, but I packed her things and right anyway.
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︎ Mar 09 2019
i had no idea that i had a fruit tree in my backyard until the other day.
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︎ Aug 29 2019
My backyard herbs are looking good...
You might say they're in mint condition.
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︎ Jul 13 2019
I planted some orange trees in my backyard about 15 years ago
Itβs amazing how fast my little treenagers have grown!
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︎ Aug 01 2019
Was out in the backyard grilling some burgers for my daughter and her friends but they'd lined up a bunch of dolls to get food too
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︎ Apr 05 2019
Me: there's some deer in the backyard
Dad: they're outstanding in their field
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︎ Nov 22 2018
Did you know that Helen Keller had a swingset in her backyard?
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︎ Jul 01 2019
A dad Manning the grill at a backyard bbq. Son approaches...
Son: "Dad? Can you make me a burger?"
Dad: "Sure! (waives tongs like a magic wand) POOF! You're a burger!"
(Dad laughing hysterically. Son rolls eyes)
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︎ Jun 04 2019
My uncle discovered petroleum in his backyard...
He took an oily retirement
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︎ Feb 13 2019
Iβm starting a business website for backyard dogs.
Itβs called ChainLinkedIn.
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︎ Feb 06 2019
There are stray Watsons in my backyard
I think they need good Holmes.
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︎ Jan 19 2019
What do you call Irish backyard chairs?
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︎ Sep 05 2018
My son killed a small lizard in our backyard this morning
I guess it was in cold blood
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︎ Jan 10 2019
I woke up this morning and saw a bird of prey in my backyard eating avocado toast and yelling βOk Boomer!β
It was a millennial falcon.
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︎ Jan 31 2020
I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.
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︎ Sep 25 2018
My wife is furious at our next door neighbour who sunbathers topless in her backyard.
Personally, I'm on the fence.
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︎ Aug 14 2018
I went to my backyard this morning, and I saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.
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︎ Jun 02 2019
My wife is furious at our next door neighbor who sunbathes topless in her backyard
Personally, I'm on the fence
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︎ May 24 2019
I went to the backyard this morning and saw a bird of prey drinking a pumpkin spice latte.
It was a millennial falcon.
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︎ Oct 25 2019
I was helping a friend install his backyard fence, but I screwed up and had to do it again.
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︎ Dec 29 2018
My wife is furious at our next door neighbor who sunbathes topless in her backyard.
Personally, Iβm on the fence.
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︎ Jun 07 2019
I was in my backyard when I saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.
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︎ Jan 05 2019
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