How are the US people going to bid adieu to Trump after election?

Bye then

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bonp27
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
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There was a locked metal box at an auction. The auctioneer said it was from the 1920’s and owned by really wealthy man. There could’ve been some really valuable stuff in it or it could just be empty. I didn’t want to bid anymore than $100 on it.

I thought it was a safe bet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/schutwo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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How do you bid farewell to a bisexual person?

Bye bi.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/x_psyduck_x
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
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At an auction at a Tourette's syndrome charity, I won a bid for an origami sculpture of scissors made by Dwayne Johnson. To emphasize the charity's cause, he replaced a bad word with a family-friendly word on his origami scissors.

The Rock's paper scissors said "Shoot."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Roivas14
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2019
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We put in a bid on a house because my wife fell in love with the lengthy corridor.

Now we are in it for the long hall.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2018
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How does the LGBT community bid farewell?

Bi!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/forkingbread
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2018
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I make Christmas wreaths for a living. So I decided I would make one out of 100 dollar bills the other day.

I call it a wreath of Franklin.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZealousidealRise7
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
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Very funny yes
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πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
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Painting a Church

A painter is desperate and bids low for a contract to paint the outside of a church. He figures he could still make a profit by adding water to the paint. He wins the contract.

He goes out one sunny day and after a long day's work, he finishes. Thunder cracks and the rain washes away the paint. A voice from the sky booms, "Repaint and thin no more!"

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
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I would like to personally thank this sub.

Every morning when I email my team their daily tasks, I include a joke from this sub. and I appreciate you all so I can try to make everyone laugh a little before rough work at a hospital. So thanks dads!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyndlandwickett
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2020
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I got trapped in a bidding war for a house because my wife loved the lengthy corridor.

I’m in it for the long hall.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2019
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Werewolf hunter
πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shulerbop
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2019
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Who does your bidding except open locked doors?

A lackey.

XP from /r/jokes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aitchnyu
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2017
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I was hooked on auctions after only going once...

...going twice…

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2017
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I need a pun

Idk if this fits this sub, but I'm planning a Halloween costume and just need a punny name for it.

I'm going to wear timberland boots, camo cargo pants, an olive/brown/green/earth t-shirt, aviator sunglasses, and get a beer bandolier.

I need a solider/army/military + beer/alcohol/drinking pun to name the costume. Any suggestions?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lcg32195
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
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What do you tell your weightlifting partner when he loses an auction for a mattress?

Bad bed bid, bod bud.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ErichDonGubler
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
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A man and his wife are walking down the street when they see Police Officer Ed up the street.

It's a small town so they know Police Officer Ed well enough to know that he can be pretty curt and rude. As they pass him, they exchange pleasantries. The husband tips his hat and Officer Ed does the same. The wife says, "Hello Officer Ed, it's a beautiful day isn't it?" Officer Ed looks at the sky, grunts, and says, "It looks like rain." The wife looks at the sky and says, "But there isn't a cloud in the sky." Officer Ed doubles down, "It's definitely going to rain."

The husband doesn't want to start any problems so he bids the officer good day, takes his wife's arm and leads her along. Once they were out of earshot, the husband said to his wife, "Listen, Rude Officer Ed knows rain, dear."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/salawm
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2018
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I won a unique item at the Celebrity Origami charity auction.

The auction's goal was to raise money for Tourette syndrome research by selling origami figures made by famous celebrities. To highlight the purpose of the auction, the organization in charge asked all participating celebs to write a replacement of a naughty four-letter word most closely associated with the disorder.

For example, George Clooney's origami penguin said Fudge instead of the F-word.

Margot Robbie's paper flower said Beach instead of the B-word.

I bid on the origami made by Dwayne Johnson.

The Rock's paper scissors said Shoot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Roivas14
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
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A brick fell out from an areoplane carrying 100 bricks. How many are left?
  1. A brick fell out from an areoplane carrying 100 bricks. How many are left?
  2. How do you put an elephant into a fridge?
  3. How do you put a giraffe into the fridge?
  4. The Lion King had a bid ceremony but only one animal that did not attend. What was the animal?
  5. An adventurer wanted to cross a river fulled with crocodiles. But he is not hurt after crossing the river. Why?
  6. The adventurer dies after he walked away from the river. Why?

Answers

  1. 99 left
  2. Open the fridge, put it in, close the fridge.
  3. Open the fridge, take the elephant out, put it in, close the fridge.
  4. The giraffe.
  5. Because all the crocodile went to the ceremony.
  6. The brick fell on him and killed him.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SiowYY
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2018
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Dadjoked a city... kinda

So in Canberra people are picking their own mushrooms; which would be fine except for the rather hazardous Death Caps that seem to be plentiful right now. A local radio station asked their listeners whether hey thought mushroom sales at stores or restaurants would go down, and what people thought of the whole issue. With a decade of experience in hospitality I thought I'd call and while waiting to go on air, the presenters joked about calling up the head 'mushroom guy' for Australia and asking their opinion.

I go on air and assure them that no restaurant worth their salt would risk their name and business by buying mushrooms that weren't from an official farm. But just before They bid me farewell I said; "I hope you do get to talk to the head mushroom person, I bet he's a real Fungi".

There was silence followed by barely audible raucous laughter from what sounded like either outside their booth or over the intercom, I'm not sure. The presenters denied me an on air groan or laugh and just pretended like I had said nothing. But someone laughed... Someone...

[Edit: Wow, unable to log in to reddit for a day and I miss getting nearly eight times more up votes than I have since joining Reddit last year. Thanks all! I knew having a 1 yr old would pay off.]

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SketchGoatee
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2014
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How can you tell that you are getting old?

You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dj_techguy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2017
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What do you call a fat Irish animal addicted to eBay?

A more bid O'beast

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaxPaw
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2018
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What do annoying peppers do?

get JALAPEΓ‘O BIDNESS!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doctor_Leo_Marvin
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2017
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I asked a friend for a small favour.

So I asked a friend to bid a little bit on stuff I have on ebay. He didn't have much time and asked me for a favour instead, so I did that for him with the concluding words: "And now you do my bidding."

I patted myself on the shoulder after that.

Edit: Grammar.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MeisterEder
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2014
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I knew a Canadian plumber who was considering buying a toilet at an auction.

I knew a Canadian plumber who was considering buying a toilet at an auction.

After a while he said, "Maybe I'll make a bid, eh."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SaryuSaryu
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2017
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