Chips Ahoy.
They go back and forth for a while, neither convincing the other that they are right. Finally they decide on a place to eat. When they get to the restaurant, one of the friends asks the person taking their order to settle it once and for all. "Me and my friend are having a debate and hopefully since you live here, you can set my friend straight. Would you please tell us... and say it clear and slow for my friend here... where are we?"
The person behind the counter gets a puzzled look on his face, then says
>!"Buuuuuurrrrrr gerrrrrr Kiiiiiiinnnnggg"!<
“Stuka blyat”
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
She was arrested for pasta-tution
I shouted to warn him but he couldn't hear me as he was too far out man.
“Ah yes, Sherlock fancies himself quite the chef. You really must come visit us for dinner Friday at old 221B! There’s no place like Holmes’ for the hollandaise!”
When she got to the window I asked, "What's the problem officer?"
Her face darkened with anger and she replied, "You don't know?"
I answered, that I didn't.
She asked again, "You honestly don't know?"
I replied, "No ma'am, I have no idea."
Then she angrily replied, "Well, if you don't know, I'm certainly not going to tell you."
With that she turned and stomped angrily back to her car, got in, slammed the door and smoked the tires as she sped away...
http://imgur.com/8P4OTom
A stop sign appears in the distance, but a little bit before the stop sign is a yellow sign indicating a Deaf Child lives on that street.
Being the good son I am, I indicate to my father: Dad, a deaf child lives nearby, so slow down.
caps indicates shouting
Dad: WHAT
Me:...a deaf child lives nearby, slow down...
Dad: WHAT
I look to my brother in the back seat, and he shrugs. I look forward and try to forget what just happened.
My dad bursts out laughing: I can't believe you fell for that twice! That's HILARIOUS!
Dad- "Knock, knock"
Me- "Who's there?"
Dad- "Reality!"
Cant give the old man credit for this one, cause this was grandmother's go-to, but it belongs here..
Any time we were in the car, and would see "Stop Ahead" painted on the road, MeMe would look at us and say, "Stop! A head! Where?!"
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
"Bargain" the man says.
"Thanks" the woman replies. "That means a great deal."
The right angle. If that’s not an option, then the try-angle.
P.S. This joke comes courtesy of my 8 year old son. I’m floored.
It was a bit part.
He seemed non-aggressive at first, but he’s quite angry now and it appears I’m under a tack.
I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.
I said YES. And she said "Cool' and took the chair to her table for her boyfriend.
Back & Body Hurts
I've used it before and it works. It's the perfect icebreaker.
I don’t know what his angle is.
But i swear ive never seen herbivore
"Paint my house"
I replied, “No, I hate violence. May I just pay for it with my card?”
As if i care who that Guy F××××s.
The man approaches a baker and says "excuse me, do you serve crab cakes here?"
The baker replies "no, we do not."
Saddened, the man lifts up the crab and says "what a shame... it's his cake day."
It means a lot to me.
He replied “it is now”.
I asked her, “what are my options?”
She said, “yes or no.”
He said, “I hate to be the bear of bad news.”
What country you end up in depends on the Angola approach
when he notices a hot, busty woman on the sidewalk. He approaches her and says, "I'll give you a thousand dollars if you let me bite your nipples." Naturally the woman was reluctant, but concluding that she really needed the money, she agreed. So they go into an alley, she lifts up her shirt and unhooks her bra. He proceeds to bury his face in her breasts, moving and shaking his head. After a full minute of this, she says, "Well? Aren't you going to bite them?" He walks away, saying, "Nah... that's too expensive."
Their car breaks down next to a corn field and they decide to run through it as the law is quickly approaching. They stumble upon a barn. Inside they find three burlap sacks and one of them suggests they should each hide inside one. Shortly after, the sherriff and his deputies arrive at the barn. They notice the three sacks. The sheriff kicks the first one containing the brunette and she says "Meow, meow." "Oh it's just a sack of kittens." One of the deputies says. The sherriff kicks the sack where the redhead is hiding and she says "woof, woof." "That's just a sack of puppies" they say. The sherriff kicks the third sack with the blonde inside and she exclaims "Potato, potato."
John saw a tornado out the window of Frank’s house and said to Frank
“Jesus man! that’s an F5! We gotta get to cover Frank!”
Tornado rapidly approaches within 100 yards
John was looking for the cellar door and found 2 different ones
“For Fuck’s sake Frank which is the best cellar!?”
With the tornado bearing down on them, Frank sprang into action and grabbed the latest James Patterson novel.
All I could was stair.
What the hell did Pete Townshend do?!?
She responded "Thanks that means a lot".
They even had a shift differential!
After my first couple weeks I received a case of hotdogs along with my paycheck. I thought nothing of it, but then it happened again next payday, and honestly the paycheck felt a little short.
I approached my boss and asked him what the deal was.
He said "your paycheck? Yeah that's just your day rates."
"And the hot dogs?" I asked
"Nitrates"
I walked into the kitchen to put some things away. I had some used silverware in one hand, and a tub of butter, a bag of cheese, and a pouch of sour cream in the other. I approached the sink to put the silverware inside when I accidentally dropped the tub of butter on the ground. My sister, who was at the sink at the time, looked at me and said: "That doesn't go there!" I picked up the tub, looked at her, and said:
"Sorry. Butterfingers."
He's such a smoothie talker.
"No Siri Bob"
The tryangle!
"Have you seen him? He's a tall Pakistani guy. Can't miss him." "No, sorry man." "Bummer... Yeah I've gotta catch Amal."
My fiance nearly threw her engagement ring at me for that one.
I guess they control the Tennis Racket around here.
Butcher tells him if he can jump up and touch it, he gets half off his purchase. If not, he pays double. The man looks up at the beef and says,
“Nah. The steaks are too high.”
I have no idea what his angle is.
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says $30,000.
The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says $30,000.
The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"
