After a really bad experience with alcohol, I gave up drinking altogether.

Now I just drink alone.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
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Based upon my shameful behaviour after drinking, I finally decided to quit drinking altogether.

Now I drink all alone.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2019
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I heard McDonald’s got tired of harming the environment and stopped using plastic altogether.

For them, it was the last straw.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElPorTuu
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2019
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I was in the betting shop

and my friend told me to put all my money on a horse named 'Landfill'.

Turns out it was a rubbish tip.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Merlin-5
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2021
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β€œ007-Eleven”
πŸ‘︎ 239
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πŸ‘€︎ u/liberaltariat
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2018
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I’ve started making sardine flavoured tea, but I’m slightly reluctant to extend my experimentation to mackerel flavour.

It’s a different kettle of fish altogether.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Titsonafish
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
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Like a demonic possession, this joke took a hold of me this morning and would not let go. I'm sorry.

The CIA had changed its recruiting practices, what with all the recent leaks and other problems. So Mr. Johnson was more than a little surprised to see a pine tree, which was dressed in a rather nice suit, waiting outside his office when he arrived at 9 am. He asked his secretary, "Gladys, who is this?"

"Mr. Johnson, this is Mr. Cone, our newest hire. He wanted to talk with you about the Honduras assignment."

Mr. Johnson spoke to Mr. Cone in his office. His new pine tree colleague was very knowledgeable and well-spoken, but there was something about him that threw Mr. Johnson off. He tried to dismiss his concerns as imaginary, but it gnawed at him all through the morning. He barely touched his lunch, as some of the things Mr. Cone had said were still swirling around and around in his mind. He was sure something was wrong, so he went in to see the head of their office branch, Mr. Smith.

"Johnson! Come right in, come right in," said Mr. Smith, puffing on a cigar. Mr. Johnson poured himself a tumbler of whiskey and sipped at it nervously.

"You're being rather quiet today, Johnson. Tell me, what's troubling you?"

"It's just this new guy, Mr. Cone," Mr. Johnson said carefully, staring at the bottom of his whiskey glass. "Are we sure we know him as well as we think we do?"

Mr. Smith took only a small puff from his cigar before letting his hand rest back on his desk. "Now really, Johnson," he sighed, "you're a good agent. Your caution has served you well in the past, but paranoia doesn't look so good on you. Mr. Cone has the most impressive resumΓ© I've seen come across my desk in the last fifteen years. I've personally had him vetted by the best men in the business. He's going to be an asset to this office."

That was the response Mr. Johnson had been afraid of getting, but he continued to press his cause. "I understand that, sir. It's just that I'm getting the strangest feeling from this Cone fellow. Don't you think he's a little too perfect? A little too well-qualified?"

Mr. Smith stopped smoking his cigar altogether. A distant look came into his eyes as he mulled over the possibilities. "You don't suppose--"

"Yes," said Mr. Johnson, "I think he's a plant."

Note: I'm a mom, not a dad, but I'm pretty sure I only thought of this because my father-in-law tortures me with these kinds of stories almost constantly.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Larny-Arny
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2014
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