I tried to stay awake last night, or as I call it...

Resisting a rest.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shercroft
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2021
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My horse has insomnia and keeps everyone awake

She's a nightmare

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
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A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily your brother named them for you. Woman: oh no, not my brother, what an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise. Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy? Doctor: Denephew.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/6Bazrael66
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
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Are the Americans awake yet?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TelepathicPsych
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
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Need puns for the name Aayushi. Any creative heads awake?
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
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Mods are awake. Upvote this picture of Big Pun anyway.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shantotto11
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2019
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Dad, I know how to stay awake for 8 days!

It's easy, I just sleep during the nights.

*(disclaimer -- this dadjoke was delivered deadpan by my daughter. She is truly becoming a master)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jujutsujoe
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
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I told the bicycle to stay awake...

But he was two-tired

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aussieb807
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2018
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My son William gets acid reflux which gives him uncontrollable hiccoughs that keeps everyone awake. At night the family is afraid of the return of the…

Notorious Bile Will Hiccoughs

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Irv-Elephant
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
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What do you call a person who lies awake at night ?

A liar

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wakanda4eva4eva
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2019
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When you’re diurnal, the difference between sleeping and being awake is like

Night and day

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cavemanku
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2019
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Want to know why I stay awake all weekend?

Sleep is for the week.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xSchneebSx
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2017
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Dad#1: *on house boat at night trying to sleep* Hey you awake?

Dad#2: Yeah I am. Dad#1: Oh I was just trying to Sea if you were up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/meltedpickless
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2018
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I can't promise I'll stay awake

But I'll make a conscious effort.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kopextacy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2016
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I was barely even awake when the cats came in the room

Girlfriend: "And here comes Mr. Fred too."
Me: "But I haven't even seen Mr. Fred one yet."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fredandlunchbox
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2015
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I have a phobia of caffeine

...Just drinking it keeps me awake at night

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ibbybibby00
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2021
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My days are always backwards....

I wake up tired and go to bed wide awake.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2021
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Hey, did you hear about the kidnapping?

Don't worry, he's awake now.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chihiro_yoru
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
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What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?

Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dane-Direct
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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Bouncer: "I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

Me: "Why?"

Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stoatwobbler
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2019
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There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening.

Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs cheering up.

So he dresses smartly, puts on his favorite aftershave and heads over to his friend's.

He gets to the party to find it quite a packed affair and heads over to the bar - fighting through crowds of reveller-onions - to get a drink.

As he gets to the bar, he notices in one corner a slightly out-of-place female onion.

She looks a bit sad and being the compassionate onion that he is, he heads over to talk to her.

This is quickly affirmed as a good move, as they hit it off immediately; she was abandoned by her friends shortly after arriving and had been minding her own business ever since, but over a night of drinks and talking, they quickly fall into an infatuation and soon end up spending an oniony night of passion together.

When they awake in the morning, they don't find it awkward and a steady relationship between the two is struck.

This lasts a good while, having its ups and downs like any college relationship, but eventually the day comes when they both graduate.

The two couldn't be happier!

They both get jobs close to one another and move into an apartment together.

One day, the partner-onion is anxiously awaiting the lawyer-onion at home.

She's been ill all day and checking has confirmed her suspicions.

She tearfully - and joyfully - breaks the news to the lawyer-onion; they're going to have a tiny baby-onion together.

A shallot, if you will.

A few days later, this prompts the lawyer-onion to propose to his heretofore girlfriend-onion.

They are soon wed, having a fantastic wedding-day and husband and wife-onions are on top of the world.

The day comes of the birth and no complications - a tiny, healthy baby onion is born to two proud parents.

Seeing this little bundle of oniony love in their arms causes them to fall deeper in love than ever.

Over the next few years, husband-and-wife-onions' lives are fantastic.

He's prospering at work, she's really enjoying taking some time to raise the baby-onion and over time the baby-onion grows into a hale and hearty toddler-onion, who then becomes a child-onion.

One day, the idyll of the onions' lives is shattered when tragedy strikes.

The lawyer-onion (now a partner-onion in a prestigious law firm due to chance and hard work) is at work, and mother-onion is washing dishes and watching her child play in the yard.

She glances away to take another plate and turns her vision back to

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
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I heard a story once about a train driver.

He was operating a late night train and fell asleep at the controls. He ended up failing to recognise a stop sign and as a result his train hit a person and killed them immediately. He was tried for manslaughter and sentenced to the electric chair. Just before being put in the chair, he was given the choice of final meal and chose a single banana, oddly. His time came and he was placed into the chair, the room vacated and then the switch was thrown.

But... Nothing. No sparks, no burning, nothing. They checked the machine and it was working fine, it just seemed not to harm him. The state law meant that, legally, his sentence had been carried out and he was free to go. He walked away a free man, and actually got another job as a train driver.

Sadly, almost exactly the same thing happened again. This time his negligence killed two kids playing around on the tracks when again he'd fallen asleep and failed to stop the train in time. Hauled before the courts again, he got exactly the same sentence - the electric chair. He was asked again for his final meal, chose two bananas this time, and his sentence was carried out again.

And yet again, he didn't die. In fact, he was entirely unharmed. The state law remained the same, so he was let out again, where - somehow - he got another job with another train company. I guess it was the only job he was trained for (pardon the pun). Anyway, this time he did much better and worked hard to stay awake during his late shifts. But sure enough, eventually he slipped back in to old habits and this time killed five people - a family trying to free their dog stuck in the tracks.

Once again he faced a jury, once again they found him guilty and a judge sentenced him to the electric chair. This time he asked for 5 bananas, but the guard was wiley - he has read about this man and how he always had bananas before his sentence was carried out, and so this time (with a grin, it's said) he brought the train driver 5 apples instead. The guilty man plead and begged for bananas, but the guard claimed it was an honest mistake but too late to change now.

The man was lead for a third time to the electric chair. His head was wetted, his arms strapped in, and the guard eyed him with something between wonder and fear. Finally the room was vacated and the switch thrown. Surely this time the machine would do its job? With the process finished, the guard ran back into the room, only to find the man still alive and looking entirely healthy. "I do

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/homelesspancake
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
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I once knew a dyslexic, agnostic, paranoid insomniac.

He'd lie awake at night wondering if there's a dog.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordMeme42
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2019
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Getting 'woke'

Everyone talks about getting woke, as if it's some big secret. I just drink some coffee in the morning and then I'm fully awake.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cbstryker
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
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There was a kidnapping at my sons school today.

It’s ok though cause he’s awake now.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sevue
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
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My friends first dad joke

What do you get when you cross habitual lying with insomnia?

A person that lies awake all night

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maghliona
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
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[MOD POST] Hunting for an additional moderator. Read and apply within.

EDIT: I am now closing applications and will make a decision in the next day or so. Thank you to everybody who applied - the general enthusiasm and support is wonderful to see.

( as this is a self post, I receive no karma - however I would appreciate it if you upvoted purely for visibility <3 )

Hey everybody,

The /r/dadjokes community is now over 85,000 subscribers strong. That's pretty great. Pretty super great.

Thus far, over the entire existence of this sub, I have been the only mod. Quietly watching, taking your feedback, removing a post here, approving another there - doing my best not to interfere too much. I'm going to be honest, it hasn't been that hard.

You lot are generally a pretty nice bunch, give or take a few of the more vocal lunatics. There isn't usually a lot of work to be done, or issues that need resolving.

That said, I'm not awake all the time. I can't lurk on Reddit all the time. I don't have all-seeing eyes.

So it's about time I gave another pair of eyes moderator status and entrusted those eyes with a duty of care.

Let's get down to the chase; here's what I'm looking for in an additional mod:

  • You live in a very different timezone to Syd, AU - GMT+10
  • You have a good sense of humour
  • You're not in this purely to grow your 'net rep
  • You're interested in being fair, and maintaining fairness
  • You maintain civility in yourself and your responses at all times
  • You have a bit of time every day to go through reports, spam, and post comments
  • You understand that your moderatorship will initially be a trial, and can be revoked at any time if you aren't being magical and rad
  • Some general CSS/subreddit formatting knowledge wouldn't go astray, but is not required

Here's what I am not looking for:

  • Strong, cemented opinions about what constitutes a dad joke and what doesn't - everybody's dad and humour is different
  • An overzealous post remover - I am not looking for an enforcer, the title moderator implies moderation
  • A(nother) dictator - it is my preference that this subreddit be gently guided, and not forcibly ruled, we let the community find itself and we listen to what they say

If you wish to apply for the title and duty of being a moderator to /r/dadjokes, simply state your case (why you should be selected, what benefits or experience you bring, etc) in a comment reply to this thread. I will then get in touch with the most worthy seeming applicants. Upvotes and downvites will not be taken int

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tali3sin
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2013
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Did anyone see the news about the kidnapping?

Its ok. He's awake now

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πŸ‘€︎ u/All_Might_Senpai
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2018
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Two waves met in the middle of the night behind a boat

The first wave asked, β€œare you awake?”

The second responded, β€œno, I’m a normal wave.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/testmonkeyalpha
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2018
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10 men trapped in Alaska

I remember years ago when in my remote town in Alaska there were 10 men stuck underground. I don't recall the circumstances that got them into this situation but it was clear that if they didn't get out soon they weren't going to make it.

All of our local rescue and public services were unable to get them out and they were running out of time. With only 18 hours remaining they sent for the only expert who could help, a rescue operations legend Mr. Puh. If he could get a plane into town it could make all the difference.

I remember gathering around the radio, biting our nails, as weather conditions worsened and threatened the planes journey.

I don't remember how long I stayed awake that night, but I will never forget the words I heard when I turned the radio on in the morning: "Puh not in, ten dead."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ToyokiSonoda
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2018
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The weather man said to set my clock back an hour before I go to bed.

Why do I have to do it an hour before I go to bed?

(My Dad actually just said this.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Teh_Slayur
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2016
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Dad, how much money do you make?

A man came home from work late again, tired and irritated, to find his 5 year old son waiting for him at the door.

β€œDaddy, may I ask you a question ?”

β€œYeah, sure, what is it ?” replied the man.

β€œDaddy, how much money do you make an hour?”

β€œThat’s none of your business! What makes you ask such a thing?” the man said angrily.

β€œI just want to know.Β  Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?” pleaded the little boy.

β€œIf you must know, I make $20.00 an hour.”

β€œOh,” the little boy replied, head bowed.

Looking up, he said, β€œDaddy, may I borrow $9.00 please?”

The father was furious. β€œIf the only reason you wanted to know how much money I make is just so you can borrow some to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed.Β Β  Think about why you’re being so selfish.Β  I work long, hard hours every day and don’t have time for such childish games.”

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.

The man sat down and started to get even madder about the little boy’s questioning.Β  How dare he ask such questions only to get some money.

After an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think he may have been a little hard on his son.Β  May be there was something he really needed to buy with that $9.00 and he really didn’t ask for money very often.

The man went to the door of the little boy’s room and opened the door.Β  β€œAre you asleep son?” he asked.

β€œNo daddy, I’m awake,” replied the boy.

β€œI’ve been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier,” said the man.Β  β€œIt’s been long day and I took my aggravation out on you. Here’s that $9.00 you asked for.”

The little boy sat straight up, beaming.

β€œOh, thank you daddy!” he yelled.

Then, reaching under his pillow, he pulled out some more crumpled up bills.Β  The man, seeing that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.

The little boy slowly counted out his money, then looked up at the man.

β€œWhy did you want more money if you already had some?” the father grumbled.

β€œBecause I didn’t have enough, but now I do,” the little boy replied.

β€œDaddy, I have $20.00 now.Β  Can I buy an hour of your time?”

The father looked upon his son with a smile as he walked towards the door and said "Overtime is double pay."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cleverley1986
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2017
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My uncle was a dyslexic agnostic insomniac.

He used to lay awake at nights wondering if there really was a dog.

(I'm sure most of you have probably heard this one before, but I just remembered it and hopefully it's new to someone)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Asmor
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2018
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

Never mind, he's awake now.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madarasi012
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2018
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What do you get when you mix an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic person ?

Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?

He stayed awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
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Have you heard about the dislexic agnostic insomniac?

He lies awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ReyNada
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2020
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What happens to someone who is agnostic, an insomniac, and dyslexic?

They lay awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nmlasa
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
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Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?

He kept himself awake at night wondering if there was a dog.

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/geogdog
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2018
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Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?

He used to lie awake at night worrying about the existence of dog.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ToughBeingAPig
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2019
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What do you get when you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic, and an insomniac?

Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there is a dog

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SneepSnorping
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
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What does a dyslexic, agnostic kid with insomnia do?

He lies awake at night wondering if there really is a dog!

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ“…︎ May 10 2019
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What do you get when crossing an agnostic, dyslexic, and insomniac?

A person who stays awake all night pondering if there really is a dog.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BNYRBT
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2018
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A friend of mine is an agnostic insomniac with dyslexia.

He lays awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IAmTommyZombie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2019
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I’m so tired...

I’ve been awake all year!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/grnxnhm
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2019
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