Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.
Ground coffee
I don’t know what to make of it.
He told me I was bipolar
He asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?"
"For drinking," replies the officer.
"Great," says the man, "when do we start?"
It was cardiac.
Dawn is tough on Greece.
He asks the nurse why the blinds are drawn.
She says, "There's a fire outside and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."
...the Land of the Rising Son?”
At the quack of dawn!
Pa pa pa poke her face pa pa poke her face.
Because dawn is tough on Greece.
To beat the crowds.
Good mormon.
Probably it's mobile.
Papa No Grinny.
To beat the crowd.
Edit: All credit goes to u/AleoMoorea, who posted it here.
... so they can beat the crowds!
Edit: Wow, this is now my second highest upvoted post ever, and it's not even my own joke! Totally should have credited the video I saw this in: https://www.reddit.com/r/PublicFreakout/comments/h8btkp/protester_has_a_joke_for_the_police_officers/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Thanks for the laughs and great comment threads, Reddit :)
I bet the people who invented hand sanitiser are rubbing their hands together.
Self, I so late.
The good news is that your other leg is all better."
I woke up trembling
Apologize profusely
Other days I let her sleep in
[author not known]
The father asked him if he was feeling sad.
The boy said no I deserved this I got too into the breadmaking and lost my cool.
The man sat back in his chair perplexed even more.
He asked him ok but why did you need them?
The boy looked confused.
Everyone needs them, to walk to run and to play.
No but why the fuck did you knead them?
On a bunny-moon.
...it’s become real handy
Cracking open a cold one
"Hear here," she sobbed, asking, "who's there?"
"No," I said soothingly. "Who's on first. They're there."
"Oh." She said, seeing that I pointed to the flowers I had found in the cemetery on the way to the showing. "Thanks for coming by."
About rheum temperature
I crap myself and wake up crying at least once each night.
A depresso
But then it dawned on me that I should sleep in.
It’s 2020 for me!
That way my day starts off on the right foot
problem is i don't wake up until 7:15
"I just had the weirdest dream, and I can't make any sense of it."
Mrs Claus sits up and replies "Why don't you tell me about it dear?"
"They're I am, doing the Christmas eve rounds, checking in on the workers and I see one of them topping up the sleigh with gas. It's just routine work, but it woke me up tonight. What do you make of it?"
"Oh I see," Mrs Claus says, "very interesting."
"Well?" Santa says expectantly.
"This is a classic example of an elf fuel filling prophecy."
Because they leave a wake.
He thinks it's a polkageist.
An alarm cluck!
The doctor called in the woman’s brother from the waiting room and asked if he would like to name the children. The brother agrees.
When the mother wakes up, the doctor informs her that her brother has named the children while she was unconscious. She said “Oh no... my brother is an idiot. What did he name the kids?” The doctors replied “Well, the girl’s name is Denise!” “Oh, that’s not so bad! And the boy?” “Denephew”
He told us to wake him up when September ends.
She opens the front door and there is a huge log on a chain contraption that can ram castle gates. Confused, she looks past the medieval device to see her boyfriend standing in the front yard surrounded by dozens of male sheep and holding two tickets to skybox seats for football in Los Angeles.
He holds his arms wide and asks, "what do you think?"
She smiles and says, "Thank you for the rams but all I want for Christmas is ewe."
But I don’t lose any sleep over it.
I woke up exhausted.
A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.
As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys were gone with the wind at this point, as Tom spent all his waking hours playing with this one tractor toy.
Fast forward a few years, and Tom's now approaching his 10th birthday, with his love for tractors intact and intensified. His parents discuss what to get for him, and decide that a ride-on tractor to replace his bike is the best gift they can give him.
Tom absolutely loves the gift, and spends all of his time out of school riding around the neighbourhood while his bike collects dust in the garage.
We come forward a few more years, as Tom approaches his 18th birthday, with an only intensified adoration of tractors. His father pulls him aside on the morning of his birthday, saying "Now son, I know that we've promised you a car, but we know what you really want."
He leads him outside, to a brand new tractor with a bow on it, saying that this is his welcome to adulthood.
Tom is beyond excited, and spends the next few months going everywhere in his tractor - grocery trips, bars, classes, friends' houses.....
Again, a few years later, Tom is driving down a back country road, in the middle of nowhere, with his tractor, in the middle of a storm. The tractor breaks down, and with no air conditioning or any form of modern comforts, Tom is in a miserable mood until someone finally comes past for him to flag down for help. After this, Tom realises that although tractors are fun, maybe they're not the best transport method out there.
Tom ages through a few more years, and finds himself driving down another road in the middle of nowhere in his car, and sees a house on fire just off the road. Being a good samaritan, he pulls over and heads up the driveway to a woman running out of the house screaming "Please, help, help! My baby is trapped in there! Go and call 911, please!"
Tom turns around, then, before leaving, has a brainwave.
He turns back and walks towards the flames, saying "Don't worry, ma'am, I've got this."
He takes a deep breath in, and the fire disappears into nothingness. As you'd expect, the woman is in awe, and asks, "Oh my God, how did you do that?!"
Tom simply responds, "Well you see ma'am, I'm an extractor fan."
John Cena: oh ok
He doesn't have a Reddit account old enough to post this one!
In his words:
Not sure if I've heard this one before somewhere, but it made me laugh when it popped in my head when I was waking up. The kids, however, thought it was lame! Here goes:
Why did the baker feel crap?...
Because he kneaded one.
When I asked him why so early, he replied with "the schooner, the better!"
They set their a-llamas.
They're always a bit crabby
I didn't even spend a penny because i had to wake up and pee
My body goes snap, crackle, pop
Me: I check my mobile. Dad: eh wrong.... You open your eyes.
I am not a mourning person
The other was a salted..
I'm really not a mourning person.
They had alarm cocks.
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
It was an unexpected item in the Baggins area.
Morning wood.
You've got to be kidney me
At Sonrise, if you will.
L: Daddy? Me: Yes, sweety L: I, hungry H, without missing a beat: Hi hungry, I'm H!
I've never been prouder.
I don’t know what to make of it.
Because Dawn is tough on Greece
Because Dawn is tough on greece.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to Ikea.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to Ikea.
Tomorrow I’m taking this piece of junk back to IKEA.
Because dawn is tough on Greece.
Dawn is tough on Greece.
It's because Dawn is tough on Greece.
You P-P-P-P-Poke her face.
