32 Puns

It's simple meth.

... I love it when the clocks go forward!

After all it is her thirty second birthday

It just makes no cents.

I've told her not to get her hopes up. "After all," I say, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute." When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday."

For the life of me, I can't figure why doesn't think this is hilarious. I keep making sure to remind her of it every time we are around new people. Hopefully if she hears the joke enough she will start to appreciate it.

Me: Okay but don't get your hopes up we're only going to celebrate for half a minute.

She: What? Why?

Me: Because it's your thirty-second birthday

One minute.

Cause you are 1 qt ;)

It's all about pasting yourself.

I've done some pretty exhaustive research on this.

Courtesy of my Dad this Thanksgiving.

http://i.imgur.com/JGW0oGf.png

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

Tooth-hurty

An Envelope.

Since we're on the topic of envelopes....

Edit: link

I told her there's no way we could do all that in 30 seconds.

They lactose.

Edit test.

“For the last time, it’s Christmas, Eve.”

Edit: Thanks for so much love. Merry Xmas!

32

My wife yelled at him to close it immediately, as it wasn’t safe in a moving vehicle. I told her it wasn’t a big deal since both of our vehicles have umbrella insurance.

The kids didn’t get it but it elicited a nice groan from the wife, so I’m pretty sure it counts.

1. No, 2. No wait 4! 8 16 32...

I’ll tell ya later

The work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

1   - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2   - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3   - Half the people you know are below average.

4   - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6   - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7   - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8   - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

9   - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first, you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is a place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first, you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Sadly there’s nothing left of him.

Because 6:32 is 6:30 too.

But it's kind of hard to find 32 of them.

Me: I'm taking a college class about what it's like 32 degrees below the freezing point of water.

My friend: Cool, do you mind telling me what it's called?

Me: 0F course.

https://preview.redd.it/om6zintogpq21.png?width=1300&format=png&auto=webp&s=1b90d0b3afdf51473744930a3c05319b96c00ecb

...for 10 dollars. The dad replied,"$9.67? Why would you need $10.32 for?"

I said grow up Son, you're 32 years old.

"My waist is 32," he told the guy.

"That's not possible," I interjected. "Because you're only 26."

Me: You have to get up.

Wife: Is it 7:30?

Me: The sequel, actually.

Wife: [pauses] 7:32?

Me: Yep.

Wife: I hate you.

But his brother Fig was kinda fruity!

My 32-year-old son just came up with that joke! Proud moment happening right there!

(My sister preparing a pizza for dinner)

Sister: "There are almost no toppings on this pizza, It's just a base."

Dad: "Really? all about the base?"

Me: Yeah, she said there are no toppings on it.

Dad: "It's all about that base, about the base no toppings!"

So I'm in the kitchen with my brother and dad and I told my brother he wasn't my family and he then said "yes we are we have the same genes" Then my dad chimes in and says "no you don't your brother has a 31'32 Jeans".

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

Sister : "Can you drop me off at 12:30 to please?"

Dad: "12:32? Do I need to be that precise?

He walked off looking quite pleased with himself.

He drove semi for UPS for 32 years until he retired. He used to tell people he was a "semi professional driver"

eye roll

The staff at work which usually maintain the community centres were changing the light bulbs in my office today. I actually said to them "You have some nice, light work today!" ...I'm pretty sure this makes me an old man : ( I do have two children with a third on the way but I am only 32!

Edit: punctuation

Her: "...So it has to be 32 degrees to freeze." Me:"Fair enough." Her: "You mean fahrenheit?" be-dum-tsss

It's simple meth.

I've told her not to get her hopes up. "After all," I say, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute." When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday."

For the life of me, I can't figure why doesn't think this is hilarious. I keep making sure to remind her of it every time we are around new people. Hopefully if she hears the joke enough she will start to appreciate it.

I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.”

“What are you talking about?” she asked.

I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”

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