39 Puns

Sheepdog: Yeah I know, but I rounded them up!

Unfortunately it was at Taco Bell.

41

Because if you waited just a minute longer it would be too farty.

10 agreed to come and 39

Beer Nuts are $1.39, and Deer Nuts are just under a buck.

Don’t believe me? Just watch...

It said "A window of opportunity won't open by itself." The lucky numbers were 2, 4, 11, 12, 35, and 39.

2:39

tooth hurty? Nein.

From the Red Skelton radio show, with Red playing Bolivar Shagnasti, interviewing a new performer for his circus

Lady: I’m a performer.

Red Skelton: What’s your forte?

Lady: Pardon?

Red Skelton: Your forte.

Lady: No, I’m only 39.

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The following is my conversation through texts with him at 3:30 today.

Me: What's the address for the Xmas party.

Dad: Don't know I'll have to ask your mother

Me: What time is it?

Dad: 3:36 pm

Me: 3:36? Why not 3:37 or you know 3:35? Or even better... 3:30?

Dad: Cuz it's 3:39 right now

Me: ... What time is the party

Dad: oh you wanted to know what time the party is.

Me: ...

Dad: 3 pm.

Had me and my friends laughing so hard.

Sorry about being a little out of touch the past couple of months. My business partner bailed on me in January and I'm in the process of forming a new corporation with a couple of investors, hiring a new bookkeeper (my expartner's wife used to do that), arranging a storage facility, moving offices and re-organizing staff. It has been hectic.

Part of my business model is consulting. I recently had an experience that proves the value of consulting & demonstrates how consultants can make a difference in an organization. I was very impressed. I think this is a segment that I can develop with financial help.

Last week, I went out with some friends to a new restaurant (Steve's Bistro & Provisional Ales). I noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked about the spoon.

He told me that restaurant's owner had hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. Everyone started to carry a spoon & since the staff is better prepared now they reduced the number of trips back to the kitchen and are saving 15 man-hours per shift.

A few minutes later I dropped my spoon and & my waiter replaced it with his spare. (I think that he thought I was texting him). He said that he would get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right then. Pretty smart efficiency. These are the types of little changes I plan to make as we move forward.

As we finished dessert I noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. Before my waiter walked off, I asked the him, about the string. He lowered his voice & told me that not everyone is that observant. The consulting firm he had told me about also learned that the restaurant can save time on bathroom breaks. By tying the string to the tip of the penis, the male staff can pull the penis out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash their hands. This small change shortens the ti

An obligatory comment about this being my first post

My son showed me his watch. The time on the watch was changing sporadically: 5:24, 12:01, 8:39, 1:44, etc. He said, "Look! My watch is having a stroke!" My response, "I don't know about a stroke, I'd say it's more likely a short in its Trisynaptic Circuit."

When my brother was four years old, my dad told him to go sit on Santa Claus' lap at the church. Santa Claus was actually being played by my second uncle, Mr. Herman. My brother had already heard rumors of this, so when he went to sit on Santa Claus' lap he asked: "Are you Mr. Herman?" Mr. Herman replied: "Baloney!"

My brother went back to my dad and said: "His name is Baloney!"

(My brother is now 39 years old and the proud father of a 19-month-old son)

Chuck Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips with the concept of sarcasm.
"It was weird" Fullmer said. "I was in London and like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather eh?" and I thought - "Wait a minute, no way is it great weather".
Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate.
Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3, plans to use sarcasm himself in future. "I'm, like, using it all the time" he said. "Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them and I said "Hey, great weather."

My brother finished a mario kart double dash race in 2 minutes, 39.001 seconds. He said that if he was a millisecond faster he would have had an even second. I reminded him no, it would have been an odd second

Most of them are limericks...

There once was a man from Beirut, Who had 39 warts on his root. Acid cured these But now when he pees He fingers his root like a flute...

Also these come to mind...

What kind of bees give milk? Boobies

Whats the best advice for a happy marriage? A short memory.

Unfortunately it was at Taco Bell.

Unfortunately it was from taco bell

at Taco Bell