Women should not have children after 34

Really, 34 children are enough.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/abx098
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
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In the year(s) 2033/34 children of the Quarn will become Quaranteens.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rkw1971
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
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What did 17 say to 34?

I'm in my prime.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chicksOut
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2020
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I know this awesome guy who created a perfect joke everyone still laughs at after 34 years.

Thanks for everything, dad.

πŸ‘︎ 354
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lum1nar
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2019
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I finished my first year of university, but I gained 34 lbs...

First it was the Freshman-15, then the Covid-19.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/1stdayof
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
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If you have 16 melons in one hand and 34 in the other what do you have

A melon addiction

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Creative_Name___
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2018
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I'm 34 years old and a dad myself. Should have seen this coming.

A text exchange with my own dad this morning: https://imgur.com/gallery/qLaI2

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wiedmaier
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2016
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Dad Advise #34: If you see someone drowning, call the ice cream man

He can get them a float.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Synisive
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2016
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Been on the road for 34 hours with my dad when he got me

Me: looking at directions "So in about 20 miles there's gonna be a fork in the road and we'll hang a right"

Him: "Is it gonna pop my tire?"

I've been sitting in the car with this man for 34 hours hoping we could get through without any dad jokes and with a couple hours left he pulls that out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheUnkemptPanda
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2015
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Did you know that too much sex can cause memory loss??

I read that in a medical journal on page 34 at 12:22 pm on September 23rd of last year.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThaCrimsonChinn
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
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If you commit a 1st degree murder in Canada

is it a 34 degree murder in the US?

πŸ‘︎ 504
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FriezaAndHoushi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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What is a musician’s favorite part of the day?

12:34

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mitchinatr
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
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Make sure you get plenty of sleep tonight

Tomorrow we begin a 31 day March!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JhopkinsWA
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2019
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Important information

Aruba - Cherry Pie $3.45

Bahamas - Apple Pie $2.75

Jamaica - Key Lime Pie $3.34

Saint Croix - Lemon Pie $4.21

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MobileBrowns
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
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What's half of 8?

S

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mark5301
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2018
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I was a dad for less than 24 hours when I came up with this one

We had a little girl at 34 weeks. She was very fussy and the nurse called her a little diva.

I responded with, β€œMore like a preemie-Donna”

The wife groaned and rolled her eyes.

The nurse asked for permission to use that since we were in the NICU.

I made it, fellas.

Oh, and mom and baby are doing well!

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2017
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Some of the gem's of Steven Wright

The work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

1 Β  - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2Β Β  - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3Β Β  - Half the people you know are below average.

4Β Β  - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6 Β  - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7Β Β  - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 Β  - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

9 Β  - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first, you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is a place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first, you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ksbalaji
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
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Dadjoked my *now* ex-girlfriend while she was breaking up with me.

So, today my girlfriend broke up with me. To keep it short, we were together for a few month and everything happened really fast. Bla bla bla, she said something about how she always felt comfortable around me but never could develop any strong love feelings for me.

She: "This week I was thinking a lot about us, our relationship and future and I took off my 'cheesy being-in-love-glasses' Me: Well, I know you're still wearing your contacts..." (she actually did)

So I got that going for me which was nice. But now I'm sad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Germerica
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2014
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A number of memorial plates have been vandalised recently...

The culprit, a crazed 34 year old Dentist name Michael. When asked why he did it said: "I just really hate plaque."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/colour_of_cows
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2019
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Women should not have children after 35.

I mean even 34 is too many.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/coot32
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2018
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Olive was a mean reindeer

Tried to tell this one to someone at work, he's 18 I'm 34, and I now realize how lame I am. His reply was, "I get it, I have an uncle." Have I become one of these people?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Trtlman
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2016
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Man dad-joked newspaper

Source - Pic Abridged version:

A man who dubbed himself Britain's biggest idiot after losing his wife after tattooing a comedy penis on his own leg is hoping to win back her heart by having it lasered off.

Hapless Stuart, 34, of Southsea, Hants, inked the six-and-a-half inch member on his left thigh, so the end pokes out of his boxer shorts.

"After I did it, my wife woke up in the morning screaming, because there was this massive penis poking out of the duvet. And the tattoo on my leg.

"It caused no end of rows, and she's now kicked me out of home. I deserve it, I suppose."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Retro21
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2015
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Grandma dadjoked me today

I was playing Scrabble with ny grandmother, and she had 88 points. I only had 34, and said "You're at 88, and I'm not even 40!" She said "You'll be 40 in a matter of years."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/danarbok
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2014
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So how about this heat?

Got dad-joked by my boyfriend today.

Me: It's so hot today, the temperature's in the mid 90's.

BF: No, it's 2014.

Me: REALLY?

In Celsius the high is 34 for today.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bluefoot_Fox
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2014
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Spent the Weekend With The Family...

Some precursor- I'm 27, my girlfriend is 34; we visited my family who lives in another state this past weekend for easter. The last two days I started to write down every horrible attempt at a joke my dad did. So these were just the best of the last two days. Note that this was the first time my girlfriend had met them.

When watching a commercial on liposuction, "I was going to get liposuction but they just melt it out, I wanted them to ZAP it out"

When getting directions, "Should I use my Gsp? (I think it was a joke trying to comment on the similar sound between esp and gps... not sure though)

When a commercial kept repeating "we can", he said (to the tune of ice cream ice cream we all scream for...)"WE CAN! WE CAN! WE ALL SCREAM FOR... ... DEATHcam" (I think he realized he had no joke there so sort of trailed off)

Finally, the worst. When we're pulling up to a state park, he's reading the signs that warn about rattlesnakes and scorpions. He leans in and says, "Hey, I've got a great survival tip" with a serious stern face, "Don't feed the rattlesnakes". Then cracks up with a silly laugh as if it's the funniest joke ever created. He realized that no one was laughing, so he thought if he repeated it a few times, it might get funnier. He continued throwing that joke out every time we got to a sign that had wildlife warnings. Seeing this strategy was failing to illicit any laughs, he decided to go with a new approach. He started saying "Don't feed the scorpions,"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Burge97
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2014
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My dad pulled this one on me a little while ago.

Driving with my mom and dad in the car while my mom is trying to read me directions. As we approach HWY 33 she asks "What comes after 33?" To which my dad replies in less than a second, "34."

Thanks for the help dad….

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nevlach
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2013
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Every time...

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... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 866
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scott_MacGregor
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2015
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