I didn't tie the knot till I was 38

I am hopeless with shoelaces.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Whats the difference between girls/women aged 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68 and 78

At 8. You take her to bed and tell her a story. At 18. You tell her a story and take her to bed. At 28. You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed. At 38. She tells you a story and takes you to bed. At 48. She tells you a story to avoid going to bed. At 58. You stay in bed to avoid her story. At 68. If you take her to bed, that will be a story. At 78. What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you ???

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My son wanted to go on the metal slide at the park today, it was 38Β°c

I told him that was suislide

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MadMeemo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I turn 21 in In 38 minutes and my nickname with my friends is β€œpickle” so how do I spend my birthday?

Well I β€œRelish” the moment obviously

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheTexican11
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm 38, and I really want to buy a synthesizer

I think I'm having a MIDI-life crisis.

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/squigglycircle
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2016
🚨︎ report
I don't want to turn 38...

...I feel like I would have passed my prime.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheHUD18
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2017
🚨︎ report
Mitch Hedberg: The King of Dad Jokes [6:38] youtu.be/u6xaj2fC1jI?t=57…
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MoonManAndHarmony
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2013
🚨︎ report
"Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway!" My youngest son thought of that all by himself and shared it with us during Christmas dinner!

He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Honolulu...

πŸ‘︎ 214
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What did 30 do when he was hungry?

38

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Irsh94
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Recent father. Yesterday my wife told me we β€œwould be having dinner at around 6:30, 7 o’clock”

I told her I might be running late and asked if we could make it 6:38 instead?

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hoopsrule44
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Source in comments
πŸ‘︎ 101
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Trisspele
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Told my wife to message the lawn person

Because we are taking our fence down.

She came back, stopped me, just to ask "Is there a mower emoji?

I said: is that really an emojency?

38, first original joke from an unoriginal dad. Had to share.

πŸ‘︎ 98
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Shor7Fuz3
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.

February 14th.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2018
🚨︎ report
Paradox
πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sheepherder226
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife was telling me about a certain artist's skin care routine

Wife : Do you know (artist's name)? Her skin care routine has 38 steps.

Me : Well, it's not that far tbh.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/clowninmyhead
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
If a kid refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
πŸ‘︎ 322
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Shwoopsx7
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2018
🚨︎ report
What happened when 30 got hungry?

38

πŸ‘︎ 605
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/barrarmistead
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend David lost his ID

Now he's just Dav.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DrewciferCDXX
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Five friends were sitting around, debating which Pixar movie is the greatest

After a few hours of debate, no one was willing to concede, and it was decided that a vote must be held. Unfortunately, with so few friends present, it was clear that they would need to bring the vote to the greater public. The group decided that each friend would make a plea to the subreddit of their choice, and whoever received the most karma for it would win.

Adam, already undecided himself, decided to go to /r/AskReddit. He laid out the agreement, and asked that everyone vote one their favorite movie, and the one with the most votes he would use for the his friends. Unfortunately, as the votes were split in that sub, his highest post amounted to a mere 38 points.

Paul, a big proponent for the Toy Story franchise, posted to /r/nostalgia in the hopes that everyone who grew up with Toy Story would agree. Unfortunately, as there had been two sequels (with a third on the way) it wasn't exactly considered "nostalgia" and he got downvoted into oblivion.

Bill, who loved Monsters Inc., made his case using some trickery. Going to /r/news, he found a seemingly unrelated post, and made a top-level comment describing, in great detail, why Monsters Inc. was the greatest film of all time. The fact that the post was so out of context made everyone flock to it, and drew enough attention to new him over a thousand fake internet points.

Mike, who loved the Incredibles movies, decided to stay in his wheelhouse. Over the course of several hours, he created each of the family members from the Incredibles in Soulcaliber VI. Finally, he photoshopped the family together, and posted it to /r/gaming. Under normal circumstances this would have skyrocketed to the top, but the format was stale, and thus only received 20k karma. Still, Mike was confident in his victory.

While the other four friends came up with plans on how to maximize their karma gains, Chris sat silently. For hours he sat, making no posts, coming up with no original content. Finally, an hour before the deadline, he broke into his neighbor's house, stealing his copy of the Pixar movie "Up". He took a picture of his theft and posted it directly to /r/dadjokes with the title "STOLEN".

When the group got together the next day to see who got the most votes, everyone was in awe. Chris's post had over 40,000 points. "How did you know that would win?" "Easy," Chris replied. "Everyone knows stolen content on /r/dadjokes gets all the Up votes."

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Three little pigs

Once upon a time there were three little pigs, Pork Chop, Hambone, and Bacon.

The boys lived at home with their mother. One day their mother said, β€œI no longer have enough food to feed you boys, you need to go out on your own and find your fortunes.”

Not wanting to upset their mother they left the house together to seek their fortunes.

Several miles into their journey Bacon, the little pig everyone liked best, said, β€œLet’s build our houses here! This seems like a great place to start making our fortunes.”

Pork Chop and Hambone agreed. So they all began building their houses.

Pork Chop, the laziest of the bunch, decided to build his house out of straw, which he apparently stole from a nearby field. It was not a very sturdy building material, but Pork Chop didn’t care. All he wanted to do was play all day, and he didn’t want to spend too much time building.

Hambone was willing to work a bit harder and he decided to build his house out of sticks which he procured by de-limbing every tree within a 300 meter radius of their homestead.

Hambone and Pork Chop were happy. Now all they had to do was to play and sleep the rest of the day.

Now Bacon was a hard worker. He knew that his brothers had used bad materials and shoddy construction methods and he wanted to build the best house he could. He found several tons of bricks stacked in neatly ordered pallets in the forest which he decided to use for his building material. It took him several days, but when he was done Bacon had the best house on the homestead.

The next day a wolf, Scott Howard, happened upon the pig brothers and their new homestead. He spied the straw house and smelled Pork Chop inside and began to think to himself that Pork Chop would make a mighty fine meal, so Scott went and knocked on the door.

Scott said, β€œLittle Pig! Little Pig! Let me in!”

Pork Chop replied, β€œNo way JosΓ©! Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin!”

Scott, undeterred by the reply says, β€œThen I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your crappy straw house to the ground!”

Scott began to huff and puff. He was evidently having some sort of asthma attack, but after a few tugs from his handy dandy rescue inhaler, he was able to muster enough wind to blow Pork Chops straw house to the ground.

Pork Chop narrowly escaped Scott’s massive jaws. Scared, and now homeless, Pork Chop ran for the nearest shelter he could see. Hambone’s house.

Scott, undeterred, chased Pork Chop to his new hiding place. Scott was very pleas

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RageMonster17
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Every time...

0:00 0:01 0:02 0:03 0:04 0:05 0:06 0:07 0:08 0:09 0:10 0:11 0:12 0:13 0:14 0:15 0:16 0:17 0:18 0:19 0:20 0:21 0:22 0:23 0:24 0:25 0:26 0:27 0:28 0:29 0:30 0:31 0:32 0:33 0:34 0:35 0:36 0:37 0:38 0:39 0:40 0:41 0:42 0:43 0:44 0:45 0:46 0:47 0:48 0:49 0:50 0:51 0:52 0:53 0:54 0:55 0:56 0:57 0:58 0:59 1:00 1:01 1:02 1:03 1:04 1:05 1:06 1:07 1:08 1:09 1:10 1:11 1:12 1:13 1:14 1:15 1:16 1:17 1:18 1:19 1:20 1:21 1:22 1:23 1:24 1:25 1:26 1:27 1:28 1:29 1:30 1:31 1:32 1:33 1:34 1:35 1:36 1:37 1:38 1:39 1:40 1:41 1:42 1:43 1:44 1:45 1:46 1:47 1:48 1:49 1:50 1:51 1:52 1:53 1:54 1:55 1:56 1:57 1:58 1:59 2:00 2:01 2:02 2:03 2:04 2:05 2:06 2:07 2:08 2:09 2:10 2:11 2:12 2:13 2:14 2:15 2:16 2:17 2:18 2:19 2:20 2:21 2:22 2:23 2:24 2:25 2:26 2:27 2:28 2:29 2:30 2:31 2:32 2:33 2:34 2:35 2:36 2:37 2:38 2:39 2:40 2:41 2:42 2:43 2:44 2:45 2:46 2:47 2:48 2:49 2:50 2:51 2:52 2:53 2:54 2:55 2:56 2:57 2:58 2:59 3:00 3:01 3:02 3:03 3:04 3:05 3:06 3:07 3:08 3:09 3:10 3:11 3:12 3:13 3:14 3:15 3:16 3:17 3:18 3:19 3:20 3:21 3:22 3:23 3:24 3:25 3:26 3:27 3:28 3:29 3:30 3:31 3:32 3:33 3:34 3:35 3:36 3:37 3:38 3:39 3:40 3:41 3:42 3:43 3:44 3:45 3:46 3:47 3:48 3:49 3:50 3:51 3:52 3:53 3:54 3:55 3:56 3:57 3:58 3:59 4:00 4:01 4:02 4:03 4:04 4:05 4:06 4:07 4:08 4:09 4:10 4:11 4:12 4:13 4:14 4:15 4:16 4:17 4:18 4:19 4:20 4:21 4:22 4:23 4:24 4:25 4:26 4:27 4:28 4:29 4:30 4:31 4:32 4:33 4:34 4:35 4:36 4:37 4:38 4:39 4:40 4:41 4:42 4:43 4:44 4:45 4:46 4:47 4:48 4:49 4:50 4:51 4:52 4:53 4:54 4:55 4:56 4:57 4:58 4:59 5:00 5:01 5:02 5:03 5:04 5:05 5:06 5:07 5:08 5:09 5:10 5:11 5:12 5:13 5:14 5:15 5:16 5:17 5:18 5:19 5:20 5:21 5:22 5:23 5:24 5:25 5:26 5:27 5:28 5:29 5:30 5:31 5:32 5:33 5:34 5:35 5:36 5:37 5:38 5:39 5:40 5:41 5:42 5:43 5:44 5:45 5:46 5:47 5:48 5:49 5:50 5:51 5:52 5:53 5:54 5:55 5:56 5:57 5:58 5:59 6:00 6:01 6:02 6:03 6:04 6:05 6:06 6:07 6:08 6:09 6:10 6:11 6:12 6:13 6:14 6:15 6:16 6:17 6:18 6:19 6:20 6:21 6:22 6:23 6:24 6:25 6:26 6:27 6:28 6:29 6:30 6:31 6:32 6:33 6:34 6:35 6:36 6:37 6:38 6:39 6:40 6:41 6:42 6:43 6:44 6:45 6:46 6:47 6:48 6:49 6:50 6:51 6:52 6:53 6:54 6:55 6:56 6:57 6:58 6:59 7:00 7:01 7:02 7:03 7:04 7:05 7:06 7:07 7:08 7:09 7:10 7:11 7:12 7:13 7:14 7:15 7:16 7:17 7:18 7:19 7:20 7:21 7:22 7:23 7:24 7:25 7:26 7:27 7:28 7:29 7:30 7:31 7:32 7:33 7:34 7:35 7:36 7:37 7:38 7:39 7:40 7:41 7:42 7:43 7:44 7:45 7:46 7:47 7:48 7:49 7:50 7:51 7:52 7:53 7:54 7:55 7:56 7:57 7:58 7:59 8:00 8:01 8:02 8:03 8:04 8:05 8:06 8:07 8:08 8:09 8:10 8:11 8:12 8:13 8:14 8:15 8:16 8:17 8:18 8:19

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 859
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Scott_MacGregor
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2015
🚨︎ report
Are you new?

I do Hockey commentary and someone I hadn't met before was sitting in the commentator's booth so I asked if he was new.

He replied, "I'm 38. I'm not that new."

πŸ‘︎ 748
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mathew93
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2015
🚨︎ report
The award for the best dadjokes 2018 goes to...

… u/ebkbk for this post: Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian. made on 24.11. with 38.9k upvotes

[also already made by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes]

Let's move on to the top 3 of each month:

January:

  1. Is this sub still active? by u/I_Fart_Liquids on 01.01. with 36.4k upvotes

  2. Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine by u/daugarten on 20.01. with 30.8k upvotes

  3. An open letter to the mods of r/dadjokes: by u/Alfie_13 on 27.01. with 18.9k upvotes

February:

  1. Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. by u/jakeisbill on 05.02. for 20.3k upvotes

  2. My daughter asked me what I'm posting on Reddit... by u/madazzahatter on 25.02. for 18.3k upvotes

  3. When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding. by u/ownworldman on 23.02. for 17.7k upvotes

March:

  1. I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought... by u/madazzahatter on 21.03. for 22.2k upvotes

  2. Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes.

  3. [When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.](https://www.reddit.com/r/da

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Skormes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Is this sub still active?

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2017/04/27/14/3FA7E4E500000578-0-image-m-38_1493301109764.jpg

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2018
🚨︎ report
The classic-est of Dad jokes

My dad was helping me put up a mountable TV stand in my apartment. He takes out his stud-finder and holds it up to his chest, chuckling, "Hey look, I found a stud". My mom gave the same eye-roll and half-smile she's been giving him for the past 38 years.

πŸ‘︎ 112
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/atlantis145
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2013
🚨︎ report
The Ferguson grand jury still hasn’t made an announcement. Guess they don’t want to jump the gun.

http://38.media.tumblr.com/055169703b8f2b5a2b1ffaec989317b9/tumblr_mhuqfugVOB1rk8wxdo1_400.gif

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/satirico
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2014
🚨︎ report
I don't know if this quite belongs here, but..

Chuck Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips with the concept of sarcasm.
"It was weird" Fullmer said. "I was in London and like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather eh?" and I thought - "Wait a minute, no way is it great weather".
Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate.
Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3, plans to use sarcasm himself in future. "I'm, like, using it all the time" he said. "Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them and I said "Hey, great weather."

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shzt
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2016
🚨︎ report
Can't take credit, co-worker's Who will be a dad in a couple months.

"[5/27/15, 12:58:38 PM] Steve: best dad joke ever... a guy goes to the zoo. there is only a single small dog. It was a shitzu"

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bytor99999
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2015
🚨︎ report
I was in the car with my dad...

...and while we were at a busy stop light, What Is Love comes on.

My dad's immediate reaction was to roll the windows down all the way, turn the music way up so everyone around can hear it, and starts doing this.

I facepalmed so hard. The people in the car next to us were laughing.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheHipsterDoofus
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2015
🚨︎ report
Hulk Hogan isn't new to Fatherdom.
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/blindboydotcom
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2015
🚨︎ report
"Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway!" My youngest son thought of that all by himself!

He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska...

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway! ~ My youngest son thought of that all by himself!

He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska...

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2019
🚨︎ report
What happened when 30 got hungry?

38

πŸ‘︎ 61
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/peachyfluf
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2019
🚨︎ report
What happened when 30 got hungry?
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BeachSand1234
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2019
🚨︎ report
What happened when 30 got hungry?
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/khanglikestowin
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2019
🚨︎ report
What did 30 do when it got hungry?

38

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/egmoneyy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
🚨︎ report
What did 30 do when it got hungry?

38

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/superflyguy87
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
🚨︎ report
What happened when 30 got hungry?

38

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/no_one_cares4u
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.