After years of worrying about my health, I made it to the gym today.

It feels like a weight’s been lifted from my chest.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/attentyv
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
🚨︎ report
People with claustrophobia should stop worrying

And come out of the closet

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyjarvis
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I've been worrying a lot about my life since the doctor diagnosed me with insomnia.

It's keeping me up all night.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sodrohu
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Stop worrying about next year. I know for a fact that everything will be OK. How do I know?

Foresight is 2020

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LookAtTheFlowers
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2019
🚨︎ report
The worst part about driving a beat up old car is worrying that it could break at any time.

Or worse, that it might not.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aaanold
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
🚨︎ report
I can't help worrying that someone'll steal my bag of German sausages

I try to remind myself it's just the wurst-case scenario.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Automaton120
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2018
🚨︎ report
I'm worried that the supreme court will lack empathy now that Ginsburg is gone.

Without her they're ruthless.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dudefaceguy_
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I got in a car wreck and lost my left arm, but don’t worry...

I’m all right.

buh-dum-tsss

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BHarcade
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report
A woman suddenly in labor shouts, shouldn’t! wouldn’t! couldn’t! didn’t! can’t! The doctor says "don't worry."

β€œThose are just contractions.”

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VVIIVVI
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
To those worried about eating salad after the recent e coli outbreaks, I have three words for you.

Lettuce romaine calm

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flippantteacup
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend was worried about hitting all the bars on his guitar neck at his recital...

I told him not to fret.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
All this stress lately has me trying new things. For example, I've discovered that brake fluid is actually delicious. I'm up to a case a day, but there's no need to worry about me.

I can stop any time.

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jasonhackwith
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
🚨︎ report
I often worry about German sausages

Basically I fear the wurst.

Edit: thanks for my first award ya loonies ;)

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kimenon001
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
*calls mum * son : I'm in hospital but don't worry everything is fine

Mum : you're the daym doctor and this wasn't funny the first time

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DJonesy007
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I was starting to get worried about my Karma points on Reddit...

But getting over it was a piece of cake.

πŸ‘︎ 83
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigZ41
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
NASA put a watch around a potted plant and sent it on a rocket to the sun. I said to my Daughter, "don't worry, it will be ok.."

"a watched pot never boils"

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kevographic
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
I was very worried when they discovered Covid in ice cream and topping samples in China.

I instantly thought this could affect Hundreds & Thousands...

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trendfoll
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
I was worried someone replaced my kid with a clever robot...
πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nostyleguide
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife says that I should worry about the brakes on my car instead of posting on Reddit

But I just can't stop.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dr_Wheuss
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Why doesn't Santa Claus have to worry about catching COVID-19?

Because he has Santa-bodies.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BeefEater81
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
What do environmentalists worry about when they poo ?

Whether to save water or to save trees.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Piyush3000
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Why should you be worried if you see cows smoking marijuana?

Cause that's when the steaks are highest.

Edit: Well this is rare, I wasn't sure how well done this joke was. Thanks for the face palm.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wileydan
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Why aren’t depressed people worried about flat tyres?

They are always carrying despair.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/viky_boy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Don’t worry if you’re tall or skinny or rich or poor. And the end of the day...

It’s night.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RogueVogueDino
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Why should you be worried about your daughter’s vegan drug dealer?

Because he might celery.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/changhaobyu
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m worried about volunteering to help my uncle at work tomorrow at the coroner’s office

It’s a pretty big undertaking

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Axnjxn_55
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Don't worry about catching COVID from the gifts that Santa delivers

They will all be Santatized

πŸ‘︎ 68
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Ho ho ho!
πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ajfoucault
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm worried about my friends in the Flat Earth club

Social distancing has really pushed some of them over the edge.

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JhopkinsWA
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I worry about this.
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.

He orders a drink, and asks for the check.

Duck billed platypus.

Edit: Thanks guys.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I considered converting my wardrobe to house my board game collection, but was worried about losing clothing space.

It was trivial per suit.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PythagorasJones
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
🚨︎ report
With the increasing cases of Covid in America, I was worried there would be a shortage of paper towels.

But I found the grocery story to be Bounty full.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zkck0517
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend asks if it is okay to park without paying. I told him, β€œdon’t worry.”

β€œYou’ll be fined.”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jazzlover511
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you say to an arachnid that worries too much about everything?

Please, don't be so dramatick!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CyanideShank1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Don't worry I can find the door myself
πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrBeansCar
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Why doesn’t Bob Marley have a passcode on his phone?

He dreads locking it.

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/90sWannabe
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
🚨︎ report
I got hired to paint someone’s home.

I charged for the labor but not the paint. The homeowner said, β€œwhy didn’t you charge for the paint?” I said, β€œdon’t worry about the paint. It’s on the house.”

πŸ‘︎ 820
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πŸ‘€︎ u/saydizzle
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the chess player worried towards the end of his meal in a restaurant?

Because the waiter said, "CHECK?"

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AmanMegha2909
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Good I was worried
πŸ‘︎ 87
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theJEDIFUZEYT
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife, who's eight months pregnant, asked me if I worry that it's been too hot recently for our baby inside her. I reassured her...

β€œNah, it’s probably womb temperature!"

πŸ‘︎ 179
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

One requires tweetment and the other requires oinkment.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/danuser8
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Don't be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jnew001
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Envelope: β€œare we there yet? I’m worried we’re not going to make it!”

Mailman: β€œI’ll keep you posted”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My son cried when he lost his first girlfriend. I told him don't worry its not the end of the world

Just yours.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/diceblue
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Saw a deal earlier to stay on a canal boat but I was worried about covid situation

There's bound to be a lock down there

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ian_M87
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I have this friend who was worried that they might have coronavirus.

I probably shouldn’t have told them to stay positive.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/King_Arthur24
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
🚨︎ report
The swordfish has few predators to worry about in the wild.

Except for the seldom seen penfish which is said to be even mightier.

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m really worried about eating salads after this E. Coli outbreak.

But lettuce romaine calm !!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RedMusical
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I called my parents and told them not to worry, but I'm in the hospital.

They told me "You're the doctor and this wasn't funny the first time".

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report

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