I have a rare condition that means I never get days off from work.
It’s due to my weekend immune system
My wife works with birds at the zoo. The other day I asked her about the lifespan of a falcon. She said they usually live for about 15 to 20 years.
"I guess that means all the Millennial Falcons are gone."
Where do astronauts go to unwind after a hard day's work?
At dinner time, talking about our days, I said work was busy because we're short staffed, and my 11yo boy says.....
Tomorrow is Jamaican Day at work
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days
I said it must be my weekend immune system
A man walks into a bar after a long day at work.
He sits down, orders a beer, and begins to mull over his day.
After a few minutes he hears a quiet, and high pitched voice say "I like your shirt". He looks around and doesn't see anybody, so he goes back to his drink.
A few sips later he hears the same voice say "You have lovely eyes". He looks around again half expecting to see Alvin the chipmunk, but there is nothing.
After a few more sips, he hears it again, "I bet your parents are real proud of you". Finally he has had enough. He slams his drink down, looks over at the bartender, and says "what the hell is that high pitched voice I am hearing?!"
The bartender looks up and says "Its the peanuts...
They're complimentary."
My wife came home from work stressed out from her day. I asked her how I could help, she asked me to draw her a bath.
I showed her the drawing I made, she replied “that wasn’t really what I had pictured...”
When I open the fridge after a long day at work only to find water, milk and juice, I start to feel like David Gilmour.
"How I wish... How I wish you were beer."
Why do we base our work around 7 days instead of a fortnight?
Because working for a fortnight would make everyone too weak.
I saw an interview with an out of work contortionist the other day
He’s struggling to make ends meet
Yeah, I work out. I do one sit-up every day.
When I get up in the morning, that’s half. When I lie back down at night, that’s the other half.
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her bath. She then got mad at me!!
Some people are so ungrateful. I used an entire pencil adding details to it and everything :(
[Just thought of this. I'm pretty happy with myself right now.]
I was a Dad at work the other day
My coworker mentioned he needed to get a quote for 400 mice(Computer mice).
Coworker: "I need to get a quote for these mice."
Me: "I can give you a quote for those mice."
Coworker: "Yeah?"
Me: "Squeak Squeak."
Coworker: *Sigh*
What did the sound engineer say on his last day of work?
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
I don't mind going to work every day
It is the sitting around for 8 hours waiting to go home I can't stand.
I work at the mall as Santa Claus during Christmas. I'm wearing the costume for most of the day, but sometimes my colleague takes my place while I take a break
I'm the main Claus and he's my subordinate Claus.
A lumberjack was at work one day and was just about to start chopping down a tree.
Suddenly the tree spoke ‘WAIT! Don’t chop me down, I’m a talking tree!’
The lumberjack chuckled darkly and simply stated ‘And now you will dialogue’
Why did the tiler want to work on his day off?
My brother-in-law, a clinical psychologist, says he is cutting back the days and hours of his work week.
In short his practice is shrinking.
I know people put mud on their faces for various benefits but I saw a sign the other day that said sewage treatment works
My wife had a hard day at work, so I drew her a warm bath...
She didn't really seem to appreciate the sketch but it went on the fridge anyway...
Edit: I thunk up a better punchline.
There was a girl I work with named Novalee, and one day I asked her how her name was spelled.
She looked at me and said, “Guess.” I responded with, “Wow! That’s NOTHING like how it’s spelled!” And from that moment on I would only call her Guess.
My friend saw I was upset the other day and he said "It could be worse. You could be an irrigated hole in the ground surrounded by brick work that people use to get water"
It didn't help, but I knew he meant well
My partner is having a bad day at work, so I thought I would draw his favorite animal with a cute note.
I put up a scarecrow in my garden the other day and it works so perfectly...
I learned how to draw an isometric the other day, but it didn’t work out.
I tried coming at it from a different angle, but it looked really sketchy
Where did the steer sit after a long day of work?
A pirate is transported to modern day and stumbles upon a lumber mill while looking for work. When the pirate is asked if he knows how to use any of the tools...
A man is explaining to his coworker that he never realized how much his wife loved him until he was home sick from work the previous day
“Really?” the coworker asks. “What showed you she really loved you?”
“She was just really excited to have me around,” the man replied. “Like when the mailman and FedEx guy came to the door she shouted excitedly, ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!’”
Just had a hectic first day at work
People kept running in and yelling at me that they would need a venti later, then running right back out to their large flashy vans blaring obnoxious music.
I kept having to call after them, saying that “this is a hospital, not a Starbucks!”
I work nights so I sleep during the day.
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after my first day at work.
Deep down I realized it wasn’t for me.
Saw this fine pun at work the other day
My 4 day work week is like my 21 year marriage
A guy starts working at a submarine. In the first day he works as a cleaner, then helps at the kitchen. Next day he runs the ship. In the evening he’s absolutely exhausted so he asks his friend “Why I have to change my position every time?”
He replies “I know, this sub is full of reposts”
At work the other day my foreman said “you smell like old spice”
I instantly responded “I swear it was new when I bought it” this was the moment I knew my wife and I we’re ready to start trying.
Walking to work one day, a woman asked me what was the quickest way to the hospital
So I pushed her under a bus
The other dads in my Zoom meeting today may have been a bit jealous. I mentioned how my adolescent daughter has been so generous and nice during quarantine while I use the family computer for work, instead of her wasting time all day, watching YouTube. I have to say,
I'm glad to have the no-vid kind teen.
Did you hear about the politician who came home late at night after a hard day at work?
the other day I was looking up secret places to work out
thought it would be pretty crappy, but there are a fair amount of hidden gyms
My boss asked why I only get sick on work days
I said it must be my weekend immune system
I get sick on work days only
Because I have a weekend immune system
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
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