Today morning when I stood on the weighing scale it didn't move at all

I was like 0MG

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oakvard
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
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Why should you eat your meals from a weighing scale?

So you can have a balanced diet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/D3V1L420
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
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My job is making sure that the cow weighing scales are accurate

You could say my position is tare-a-bull

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/changhaobyu
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2019
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This morning I got on the scales to weigh myself...

my wife walked by and I sucked in my gut, she said "That won't help" I said "Yes it will, now I can see the numbers"

πŸ‘︎ 89
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yeahmaybe2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
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How do you determine the mass of a red hot chili pepper?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hawkeye45_
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2021
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Why are fish so easy to weigh

Because they come with there own scales

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Fox1984
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Imagine Americans switched from Pound to Kilograms overnight

There would be mass confusion

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anukrit_Subedi
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2021
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I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, β€œYou’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”

I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2021
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When I die, I want a scale present at the will reading, because where there's a will, there's a weigh.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/huskermdl
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
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I passed my husband a piece of ginger to weigh on the scale...

My husband dropped it, and a nearby stranger shouted ,"you better handle that gingerly!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dayzsurvivor1234
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2014
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I told my dad today "I'm going on a diet, I just weighed myself I nearly fell of the scale when I saw what I weighed!"

He said, "That sounds a balance problem and not a weight problem."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KajiKaji
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2016
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I just started a business where we specialize in weighing tiny objects.

It’s a small scale operation.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2020
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We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
The head veterinarian at a zoo noticed something alarming in a patient’s record...

The head veterinarian at a zoo noticed something alarming in a patient’s record. A monkey that had been a healthy weight at its last checkup was now recorded as being only half that.

Fearing for the monkey’s health, he went and saw it, expecting it to be sickly and skeletal. However, the monkey seemed totally normal. Confused told his staff to weigh the monkey again.

They did, but the number they reported was still astonishingly low. Sure it was a mistake, he went to weigh the monkey for himself. But when he put the monkey on the scale, it showed a number that was still far too low, and couldn’t possibly be right.

After a moment he spotted the problem: behind the scale was a grab bar on the wall, and the monkey had stealthily grabbed it with its tail, and was supporting some of its weight off the scale that way.

So the monkey's weight was fine, they just weren't paying attention to de tail.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Swanbrother
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Kitchen scale

My 5 yr old son pulled down the kitchen scale and asked me what it was for. I explained what it was and we left the kitchen.

Later, my wife asks me what our son was asking about so I told her we were talking about what the kitchen scale is used for. She then asks me "Why is it still on the counter? Why didn't you put it away?!"

I said "Because, we were weighing his options."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/machinehead-
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
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Banana for...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jaykirsch
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2018
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Dad: (Hanging bathroom scale on wall)

Daughter: There's no way you can weigh yourself with it up there

Dad: Weigh myself? Hah! A was scaling the wall!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jonnyprophet
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
🚨︎ report
The importance of scales.

My mom's boyfriend and I were talking about weighing the new kittens and I walked into a joke.

Him: Put her on the weighing scale.

Me: What do scales do besides weighing things?

Him: Protect lizards and snakes..

Me: ...

Him: And make fish pretty.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ohhoneyno_
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2015
🚨︎ report
Mother's boyfriend is ready to be my dad.

Sister complaining about her chicken.

Sis: Do chickens have scales? Because my chicken wing has a scale on the end.

Mom's boyfriend: How much did it weigh?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThatCub3K1d
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2014
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Father in law just said this one to my pregnant wife

My wife is pregnant and talking about how much she weighs now but we don't have a scale so I asked her how she knows her weight.

She said she gets weighed every checkup at the doctors.

Her dad: do they have a weigh-ting room?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/achilles57
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2015
🚨︎ report
What would happen if the USA switched from Pounds to Kilograms?

There would be mass confusion

πŸ‘︎ 939
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
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Why are fish easy to weigh?

They have their own scales!

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ct2k7
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
It's for my cake day

Why are fish easy to weigh... Because they have their own scales

Wheres my cake?

πŸ‘︎ 78
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elbrule
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 74
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad: (Hanging bathroom scale on wall)

Daughter: There's no way you can weigh yourself with it up there

Dad: Weigh myself? Hah! A was scaling the wall!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jonnyprophet
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Got my wife today

She works in a scale house and she came home tired. Told her she shouldn't let her job weigh her down

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lcarp3
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2016
🚨︎ report
When I die...

Dad says "When I die, I need to make sure there's a scale at the reading of the will."

Mom says, "What? Why?"

He says, "Where there's a will, there's a weigh."

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lautzy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2013
🚨︎ report

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