My friend called me in a panic and shouted, “An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don’t know what to do!” Frantically, I drove all the way to his house only to find out...
...he’s really a big lyre.
What's the best way to climb out of ELO hell?
Easiest way to flush them out
My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, “Dad get out of the way!”
I said, “You’re the ones blocking!”
Two thistles are arguing over who has the better yard The one turns to the other and says "your dirt is way too loose, man, look" and yanks him up and out of the ground Second thistle looks up at the first and goes
"I artichoke you for that"
I threw an engagement ring at my girlfriend, but she dodged out of the way.
Someone went out of their way for this.
What did Joe say to Donald on his way out the door?
What did the 46th president say while taking the White House keys from the 45th on his way out?
An man at a bar didn’t want his wife to know he was out all night. But he was so drunk he couldn’t even stand and had to crawl all the way back home on all fours.
He got home he reached up for the door knob and opened the door, crawled upstairs and into his bed with his wife. His wife in the morning said “Why were you out all night?” He said “How did you find out?”
She said “The bar called. They said you left your wheelchair again”.
Pro tip: If you are looking for a cheap way to work out at home, consider using milk jugs as weights.
But be sure to use almond or soy milk, I’ve heard they’re the healthier alternatives.
How did the old man walk his way out of the storm so fast?
Because, he had a hurry cane.
Are you gonna pull it all the way out?
How did the crazy people find their way out of the woods ?
They followed the psycho path
What creature do you follow to find your way out of a swamp?
I figured out the best way to cut carbs!
A easy way to figure it out
This jerk in an expensive vehicle cut me off and expected me to get out of his way.
Ambulances, I can't stand them.
I wanted to make a joke about potassium so, I was like oK what is the best way to make a pun out of this.
I was in an elevator with my wife when a couple entered with their kids. I went out of my way to ask what floor they were going up to so I could push the button for them.
I wanted to prove to my wife that I was serious about raising a family.
When Hurricane Dorian hits Florida, I'm going to check out my window for the clouds to get really grey. When they're at peak greyness I'll take a picture. That way Ill always have The Picture of Dorian Grey.
Shout out to my grandma, that's the only way she can hear.
3 moles are digging their way out of prison.
The first mole says “I can smell the clean air and grass! We’re almost there!”
The second mole says “I can smell the fresh wet dirt! We’re almost there!”
The third mole says “Really? All I can smell is molasses.”
There must be some kind of way out of here
Political correctness is getting way out of hand
Filling out a report at work... and finding ways to amuse myself while doing so
I recently started dating an x-ray technician who’s way out of my league.
I still don’t know what she sees in me.
After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.
So I turned on the air conditioning.
That's actually one way to weed out Candidates.
While he was out, my husband text me 'I think I'll run through the car wash on my way home.'
I replied: 'Probably better to drive the car through.'
I asked a girl way out of my league out and she accepted! Of course, she said she wanted to eat somewhere expensive...
So I took her to the airport.
It was about rape so the pun is better. Original post https://www.reddit.com/r/entitledparents/comments/bq2qvn/peta_parent_freaks_out_at_my_animal_abusing_ways/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
These dad jokes are way out of your leak
My girlfriend and I were hiking yesterday, I was leading the way on the trail a bit ahead of her and she chimed out, "Is that a safe way?"
I said, "Honey, are you feeling okay? I don't think there are any grocery stores out here in the wilderness."
The staff at my local strip club figured out a great way to make decisions.
This bakery on the way out of Tamworth, Australia
My pregnant wife and I were on our way out of the doctor's office
And the receptionist was trying to schedule our next appointment, which was a routine check up. "We'll get you in and out real quick," she said. I turned to her and said, "that's what got us into this mess in the first place."
My friend called me in a panic and shouted, “An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don’t know what to do!” Frantically, I drove all the way to his house only to find out...
...he’s really a big lyre.
I finally told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.
So I turned on the air conditioning.
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