A rich man who got sent to jail decided to pay to upgrade his prison cell.

He is now behind gold bars.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tyckt206
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
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How much did HYDRA's upgrades cost Bucky?

An arm and a leg. Luckily, he talked them down to half price.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
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We got an upgrade of our hotel room.

Fucking suite!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PelleSketchy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
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Why'd they upgrade the planetarium

It's already spacious enough

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πŸ‘€︎ u/blep_bloop
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2019
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I need to immediately upgrade my version of MS Office.

For lack of a better Word.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2018
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What did John Fogerty say when the airline offered him an upgrade to first class?

"Put me in coach."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/revolutionblues
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2017
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The airlines need to upgrade their wifi.

They've got some serious jetlag.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRtHonLaqueesha
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2016
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Recently help my mom upgrade to a 1/2 HP Insinkerator Unit.

She now has more power at her disposal.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/free_range_veal
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2016
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Why didn't the Terminator upgrade to Windows 10 yet?

When I asked him he said

"I still love vista baby"

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kill_Frosty
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2016
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The USA has finally been upgraded to be fully digital.

The new America is called USB.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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What are your resolution going to be for the new year?

Still on 1080p? or upgraded to 4k already?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OliveOcelot
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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They’ve upgraded the security to hall monitors
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2019
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Apple announced a new product for wives that helps cope with spontaneous dad jokes throughout their day.

The iRoll

Edit: thank you kind strangers for the awards! I told my wife we've struck gold and she immediately upgraded to the newest iRoll v2 software!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Use2HandsPlease
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
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U2 are touring in Australia, so I upgraded my GPS to Bono’s voice

Now the streets have no name and I still haven’t found what I’m looking for

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Delliott90
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
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Upgrading to the latest version of Microsoft Office can cure your depression.

It really improves your Outlook.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Perrin42
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
🚨︎ report
After years of using dial up, I finally upgraded to high speed internet. I didn't realize the internet traffic!

But I was able to e-merge.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2019
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Upgrading my phone.

Me: I hate that everyone keeps taking my cell phone charger in this house. I'm gonna upgrade my phone so can have a different charging port.

Wife: That's a poor excuse for wanting an upgrade.

Me: You mean a port excuse?

Wife: Ugh.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RewrittenSol
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2017
🚨︎ report
A merchant approached the captain of a SWAT team about upgrading their riot shields...

The captain replied, "Finally! A purchase I can get behind!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BradEmery
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2019
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Just upgraded to a new iPhone.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/snazzychica2812
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2014
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I upgraded to Windows 7 today.

Hasta la Windows Vista baby!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DevonX
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2018
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My pregnant wife just asked me if I think her tummy is going to get bigger for the next time she gets pregnant.

Me: "Of course it will get bigger"

Her: "Oh, why do you think that?"

Me: "Because, your body will upgrade from a queen size womb to a king size womb"

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
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My son kept losing spitball wars at school. So i upgraded his straw to a semi-automatic...

By adding a paper clip

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaxPaw
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2018
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What do you call a soup factory that recently upgraded its equipment?

Souped up

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kamlnskl
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2018
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How my dad told me that he upgraded his data plan.

He texted me "I feel like everyone is ogling me!"

After I took the bait and asked "why?" he said "I'm a hotspot now!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kongo204
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2014
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Saw an extremely tall guy at the airport

Friend: "Wow, it must be really difficult for him to fly."

Me: "You'd think it'd be easier, he has longer arms."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SeventhShin
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2015
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One of the most popular searches on pornhub is Minecraft porn

I tried searching for that once. Unfortunately, it was blocked.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrMorlonelycat
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2016
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More people have access to a mobile phone than a toilet.

I think we really need to upgrade our plumbers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2019
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Saw the Rocket on War Machine in new Endgame Trailer.

Love the new upgrade, the Rocket Launcher.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/happy_anand
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
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DOS markers

My daughter was playing with those washable Crayola Window markers you can write on the windows with and my dad comes downstairs and asks

β€œAre those an upgrade from Dos markers?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gusthemouse
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2019
🚨︎ report
What's your new year resolution?

I might upgrade to 3840 x 2160 pixels.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sagarkaniche
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2018
🚨︎ report
There once was a man.....

There once was a man who had a job driving a passenger train between two large towns. It could be a very dull job to some, but as the old saying goes, one man's trash is another's gold; he wanted to be a railroad man since he was a boy.

He was a wiz behind the controls of the train, and commanded the 15 car vehicle effortlessly as if he had been born to do the job. He prided himself on the fact that he could bend the rules and speed through curves and grades that made other motormen shiver and back off.

One day however, he wasn't so lucky and came round a bend too fast and derailed his train. He backed off the throttle and braked as much as he could, managing to only have one fatality out of 500 passengers on his train.

Months later there was a trial and he was found guilty of manslaughter in the highest degree, a capital offence in that land, and sentenced to die by electric chair. Punishment came swift, unlike most places, and 3 days after sentencing the former railroader was asked for his last meal.

"I'll have a banana," "Just a single banana?" said the perplexed guard. "The warden will grant you a feast and all you want is that?"

"Just a single banana." he said.

After he downed the fruit, he was strapped into the electric chair an hour later.... The warden hit the switch, lights flickered, and the crackle of electricity could be heard for over a minute...

...but our train jockey instead rose from the chair looking more like he got a stiff massage, rather than be put to death! Well in that nation, the law of the land states that if a man somehow survives being put to death, they must be set free...

...And so it came to pass that our engineer was let go...

And for whatever reason, he got his job back!

So he was back railroading again doing the job that he loved. You'd think he'd have been more cautious with this second chance he'd been given, but you'd also be wrong. Speedy Gonzales with a train license decided to gun his locomotive to hard and send it off the tracks again!

Of course, this time he was tried for the same crime, but at a different time (his was a fair commonwealth and double indemnity was simply unheard of!) So fair was their nation, that the jury came up with the same judgement and punishment. So three days later, when asked for his last meal, the engineer simply said "I'll have 2 bananas..."

Not less than 60 minutes after consuming the last morsel was he strapped into the chair and the switch thrown... And....

NOTHING.

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/onmugen
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2016
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Dad got me tonight.

Me: "My car has five cylinders."

Dad: "Well that's odd."

God damn it Dad...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madprudentilla
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2015
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My Dad was renting a car

My Dad was in the process of renting a car at the airport when the agent asked if he wanted to upgrade to Siriusβ„’ radio. Without skipping a beat, my dad responded: "No thanks, I think we'll stick with the lighthearted radio today."

It went right over the agent's head.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Surf_Ninja_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2015
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Dadjoked by NPR this morning

The voice on the radio explained how collecting rainwater was catching on in environmental groups. Some people upgraded from a 55 gallon barrel to a 500 gallon vessel. Shows that water vessels can be a real gateway jug.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crciv
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2016
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These Android OS names...

Husband tried to upgrade his OS today but it was stuck at 23% for a while. I told him to restart.

Him: It's taken 45 minutes to put Marshmallow on there.

Me: Guess you gotta wait s'more.

Him: (that groan I know so well)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_byebirdie_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2016
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My daughter posted a story to Facebook about Kim Jong-un missing in North Korea...

I replied, "He isn't missing, he's just undergoing maintenance and will be back soon as the upgraded version, Kim Jong-deux!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EngineerBill
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2014
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Sitting at Costco tire center...

Guy asks if any of us are Verne. Guy next to me says, "Depends- what kind of car is it? Depends on if it's an upgrade."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CampBenCh
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2013
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Two for one on my sister's new phone

My sister was showing off her new iPhone to my dad and me, since she finally broke her old phone after owning it for two years. I asked what happened to the old phone.

Sis: "Oh, I dropped my 4c and it broke the screen."

Me: "So you didn't foresee it happening?"

She rolled her eyes. My dad laughed, I laughed. I asked what she upgraded to.

Sis: "I got a 6s, it's the newest model."

Me: "So your day was a success?"

My sister was not pleased, but my dad was losing it, and he shook my hand. I think I have his blessing to become a dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jordykins
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2015
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On an aeroplane

I was on as flight the other day. And I sat in the wrong seat 11b instead of 10b. A man came up to me and said sorry but I think your in my seat. After I apologised he said, don't apologise to me you got a free upgrade to the front of the plane. I laughed harder than I should have .

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πŸ‘€︎ u/safb_95
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2015
🚨︎ report

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