North, things between West and me has recently gone South.
"It'll be grated on a curve."
Not even remotely.
He’s in for a rude awakening.
That would be considered a personal fowl.
Her: what are you supposed to be dressed up as?
Me: a walking dad joke.
Her: ...?
Me: I'd be kind of lame.
It’s probably a good thing considering they’re both well-known carriers.
I guess you could say I'm going to be a Corona Extra.
Theme is Mexican food and my last name is Bean. I know the possibilities are endless but I want something perfect.
I said “Don’t worry we’ll all be in the same boat”
I told her not to run herself in circles over it
He said "suit yourself."
I told her to be sure to wear comfortable shoes.
It is 2020, after all.
I said, “Don’t worry. Your parallel parking skills are unparalleled.”
Now all his hopes Argon
It's your one way chicken to midnight.
Her - "When we get married, can we honeymoon in Iceland?"
Me - "Sure."
Her - "And we can have a party in a fjord?"
Me - "We'd have a Fjord Fiesta."
Her - "Goddammit."
I'm getting an early start on this dad jokes thing.
The movie is called "You Tolkien to me?"
Why did the police arrest the turkey? > They suspected fowl play.
What would you get if you crossed a turkey with a ghost? > A poultrygeist!
Why did the turkey cross the road twice? > To prove he wasn’t a chicken!
What key won’t open any door? > A turkey!
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? > Goblet.
Fruit comes from a fruit tree, so where does turkey come from? > A poul-tree.
What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad? >They turn into blueberries.
What kind of cars would pilgrims drive today? > Plymouth.
Laugh out loud, Jay Kay.
The bear asks the rabbit, "You ever have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit says, "No."
So the bear wipes his butt with the rabbit...
I’m trying hard to prepare for the roll.
He said nobody wants a Tetris movie.
I told him demand will fall in place very shortly.
they say his bars are from space
She had a change of heart.
It’s gonna be Aquaman
The beef cattle farmer thought it was a silly policy and would greatly reduce his income from selling meat overseas....
The pig farmer disagreed, he thought it was a great opportunity for livestock farmers to benefit from higher profit margins in a strong domestic market with fewer overheads.
Feeling very passionate after a few beers, the beef farmer says to the pig farmer:
“This time in 12 months, the government will have repealed this policy because it’s such a terrible idea... in fact, I’m willing to bet on it. If I’m wrong, and they don’t repeal it, I’ll give you my prized cow, Daisy. But if I’m right, and they do repeal it, you have to give me free bacon for a year”.
The pig farmer is confident that the policy will be a success and won’t be repealed. So he says “deal”.
The beef farmer carries on:
“Actually, I think this policy is going to be such a terrible failure that I’ll need to sell half of my cows to stay afloat... in fact, I’m willing to bet on it. If I’m wrong, and this policy doesn’t mean I need to sell half my cows, I’ll give you free steaks for a year. But if I’m right, and I do need to sell half my cows, you have to give me your prized boar, pumba”.
The pig farmer is confident that the beef farmer won’t need to sell any cows. So he says “deal”.
12 months pass following the introduction of the live export ban. The government hasn’t repealed the policy, but unfortunately the beef farmer has had to sell most of his cows.
Both farmers reconvene at the pub. The beef farmer says to the pig farmer:
“Well, it seems you were right about one thing but wrong about the other...
So... You may have won the cattle, but you’ve lost the boar!”.
It's called "Ving Rhames in the Membrane"
so he yanked out his side mirrors because he didn't want to look back.
It turns out Theresa May
We are heading to Buda, TX soon. Honestly, I'm not sure how to pronounce it, but I mentioned it to her and said "Bud-uh" like a Budweiser. She replied, "I think it's pronounced Boodah."
With a wry smile, I said, "I can't believe it's not Bud-uh!"
Edit: I've decided to pronounce it Bud-ah while we're there and use that response with everyone who corrects me (unless I'm right, in which case... I'm right).
My dad and I were driving when he abruptly stopped the story he was telling to tell this joke:
"What do snowmen eat for breakfast?"
"Uh, I don't know dad."
"Frosted Flakes!"
Laughter was forced.
"So will you be breastfeeding him?" "No I won't be, but I sure hope my wife is."
Me: "So they're starting the surgery at 12, right?" Dad: "Yeah, you could say at 12 sharp"
My dad, my mom and I were talking about going to look at tuxedos for my approaching nuptials...
Dad: Why don't y'all run up to [tuxedo store] and I'll leave in a while and meet you there.
TheMagnarOfNoww: Why are you going to wait a while to leave?
Dad: Well y'all are running there, I'm going to drive so it won't take me as long. [outright laughter]
My sister suggested bringing her waterproof camera to take pictures while we snorkel, and I advised her to look up the owner's manual to make sure that it could handle salt water.
Me: The salt water might wreck the seal.
Dad: Would it wreck the walrus?
All: groan
Me: I'm going to go to this upcoming concert, have you heard of Nine Inch Nails?
Dad: Yeah, we used six inch nails to put up our fence.
