How did Kim Kardashian inform her kid about her upcoming divorce with Kanye?

North, things between West and me has recently gone South.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2021
🚨︎ report
I hired a coach for an upcoming marathon. She gave me a run for my money.
πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/golubeerji
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Our cooking teacher gave us a notice about the part of our upcoming exam where we'd be working with cheese wheels...

"It'll be grated on a curve."

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Are you ready for the upcoming Zoom meeting?

Not even remotely.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/freakinana
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
🚨︎ report
For his upcoming birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that would swear at him instead of ringing.

He’s in for a rude awakening.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
🚨︎ report
For the upcoming NFL season, players will not be allowed to keep chicken as pets.

That would be considered a personal fowl.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
🚨︎ report
So today I asked my wife if she knew of any krutches I could borrow for the upcoming office party.

Her: what are you supposed to be dressed up as?

Me: a walking dad joke.

Her: ...?

Me: I'd be kind of lame.

πŸ‘︎ 189
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StuntsMonkey
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you guys hear about AT&T and Verizon dropping out of an upcoming conference due to corona virus concerns?

It’s probably a good thing considering they’re both well-known carriers.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dizmodo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I just landed a small supporting role in an upcoming movie about the COVID-19 pandemic.

I guess you could say I'm going to be a Corona Extra.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spark115
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Need a Punny name for upcoming Roller Derby Bout.

Theme is Mexican food and my last name is Bean. I know the possibilities are endless but I want something perfect.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Beaniebabiee94
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife was worried about meeting new people on our upcoming cruise.

I said β€œDon’t worry we’ll all be in the same boat”

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dave11899
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2019
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend is stressed over her upcoming geometry test

I told her not to run herself in circles over it

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UkeBard
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Accidental pun - Found on a poster for the upcoming 'Apollo 11' movie.
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mrmongoose64
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
🚨︎ report
I told my tailor that I would be choosing and putting on my own clothes for my upcoming wedding

He said "suit yourself."

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πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
🚨︎ report
For our upcoming roadtrip, my wife said she would drive us for as long as she could stand...

I told her to be sure to wear comfortable shoes.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShabbySheik
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2019
🚨︎ report
I’m very optimistic about the upcoming U.S. elections. I feel as though the country will be able to move forward with a strong, clear vision.

It is 2020, after all.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kttypo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2019
🚨︎ report
My son is nervous about his upcoming driving test.

I said, β€œDon’t worry. Your parallel parking skills are unparalleled.”

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2019
🚨︎ report
An eager chemist accidentally spilled all of his beakers for an upcoming experiment...

Now all his hopes Argon

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/samrf1202
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Apparently Sammy Hagar has an upcoming late night BBQ event.

It's your one way chicken to midnight.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRealZy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
🚨︎ report
[Request] I need every skeleton/bone related pun you can think of for an upcoming D&D session...I want to really get under my players skin and give them a good ribbing!
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SwimmingNaked
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2018
🚨︎ report
My fiancΓ©e and I were talking about our upcoming wedding...

Her - "When we get married, can we honeymoon in Iceland?"

Me - "Sure."

Her - "And we can have a party in a fjord?"

Me - "We'd have a Fjord Fiesta."

Her - "Goddammit."

I'm getting an early start on this dad jokes thing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpikeMcAwesome
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2015
🚨︎ report
TIL: Robert de Niro is playing the lead role in the upcoming movie about "The Lord of the Rings" trilogy.

The movie is called "You Tolkien to me?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2018
🚨︎ report
A handful of short Thanksgiving Jokes I put together that are worthy for any dad to repeat this upcoming holiday.

Why did the police arrest the turkey? > They suspected fowl play.

What would you get if you crossed a turkey with a ghost? > A poultrygeist!

Why did the turkey cross the road twice? > To prove he wasn’t a chicken!

What key won’t open any door? > A turkey!

If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? > Goblet.

Fruit comes from a fruit tree, so where does turkey come from? > A poul-tree.

What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad? >They turn into blueberries.

What kind of cars would pilgrims drive today? > Plymouth.

πŸ‘︎ 221
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Taylordprints
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2017
🚨︎ report
So I just heard that the two main characters from the previous Men In Black movies are going to have major parts in the upcoming sequel!

Laugh out loud, Jay Kay.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ImurderREALITY
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm dreading the upcoming holidays because I know dad's gonna tell us all about the bear and the rabbit who were taking a poop in the woods...

The bear asks the rabbit, "You ever have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit says, "No."

So the bear wipes his butt with the rabbit...

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2018
🚨︎ report
I’m playing a sushi chef in an upcoming play.

I’m trying hard to prepare for the roll.

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jmaca90
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2018
🚨︎ report
A friend of mine is annoyed about the upcoming Tetris movie trilogy

He said nobody wants a Tetris movie.

I told him demand will fall in place very shortly.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wjack12
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2016
🚨︎ report
Have you heard of the new upcoming rapper, Lil Keyboard?

they say his bars are from space

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedLilSleepy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2019
🚨︎ report
A patient was initially doubtful of the success rate and concerned about her upcoming heart transplant, but after some reassuring...

She had a change of heart.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NomeSoap
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the upcoming sequel to The Waterboy? It’s gonna be about the protagonist in his future.

It’s gonna be Aquaman

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SekariTwo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2018
🚨︎ report
How a Brit feels about the upcoming election
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/this_chucklehead
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2016
🚨︎ report
Two livestock farmers were sat in the pub arguing over the government’s upcoming ban on exporting live animals...

The beef cattle farmer thought it was a silly policy and would greatly reduce his income from selling meat overseas....

The pig farmer disagreed, he thought it was a great opportunity for livestock farmers to benefit from higher profit margins in a strong domestic market with fewer overheads.

Feeling very passionate after a few beers, the beef farmer says to the pig farmer:

β€œThis time in 12 months, the government will have repealed this policy because it’s such a terrible idea... in fact, I’m willing to bet on it. If I’m wrong, and they don’t repeal it, I’ll give you my prized cow, Daisy. But if I’m right, and they do repeal it, you have to give me free bacon for a year”.

The pig farmer is confident that the policy will be a success and won’t be repealed. So he says β€œdeal”.

The beef farmer carries on:

β€œActually, I think this policy is going to be such a terrible failure that I’ll need to sell half of my cows to stay afloat... in fact, I’m willing to bet on it. If I’m wrong, and this policy doesn’t mean I need to sell half my cows, I’ll give you free steaks for a year. But if I’m right, and I do need to sell half my cows, you have to give me your prized boar, pumba”.

The pig farmer is confident that the beef farmer won’t need to sell any cows. So he says β€œdeal”.

12 months pass following the introduction of the live export ban. The government hasn’t repealed the policy, but unfortunately the beef farmer has had to sell most of his cows.

Both farmers reconvene at the pub. The beef farmer says to the pig farmer:

β€œWell, it seems you were right about one thing but wrong about the other...

So... You may have won the cattle, but you’ve lost the boar!”.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dens382
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you guys hear about the upcoming medical drama starting a large black man as a neurosurgeon?

It's called "Ving Rhames in the Membrane"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Xamadam
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2017
🚨︎ report
Would it be fair to call the upcoming spring fashion trends the β€œlook of dis May”?
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/c_a_george
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2018
🚨︎ report
An upcoming Racer is hesitating on his new career...

so he yanked out his side mirrors because he didn't want to look back.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Efren_John
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2017
🚨︎ report
I thought no one would stand against Boris in the upcoming leadership election

It turns out Theresa May

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/created4this
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2016
🚨︎ report
Got my wife about an upcoming trip to Buda, TX.

We are heading to Buda, TX soon. Honestly, I'm not sure how to pronounce it, but I mentioned it to her and said "Bud-uh" like a Budweiser. She replied, "I think it's pronounced Boodah."

With a wry smile, I said, "I can't believe it's not Bud-uh!"

Edit: I've decided to pronounce it Bud-ah while we're there and use that response with everyone who corrects me (unless I'm right, in which case... I'm right).

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ArtaxNOOOOOO
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2014
🚨︎ report
Texting with my dad about my upcoming move out-of-state. (My current roommate's name is Forrest.)
πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-dangerkid
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2013
🚨︎ report
Dad had a joke ready for the upcoming snow storm

My dad and I were driving when he abruptly stopped the story he was telling to tell this joke:

"What do snowmen eat for breakfast?"

"Uh, I don't know dad."

"Frosted Flakes!"

Laughter was forced.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zorgtron
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2014
🚨︎ report
Dad joked while talking about my cousins upcoming baby boy

"So will you be breastfeeding him?" "No I won't be, but I sure hope my wife is."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kpmclean
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2014
🚨︎ report
When talking to my dad about my upcoming surgery...

Me: "So they're starting the surgery at 12, right?" Dad: "Yeah, you could say at 12 sharp"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shmexygurl
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2013
🚨︎ report
Was going to meet my dad to look at tux's for my upcoming wedding

My dad, my mom and I were talking about going to look at tuxedos for my approaching nuptials...

Dad: Why don't y'all run up to [tuxedo store] and I'll leave in a while and meet you there.

TheMagnarOfNoww: Why are you going to wait a while to leave?

Dad: Well y'all are running there, I'm going to drive so it won't take me as long. [outright laughter]

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheMagnarOfNoww
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2015
🚨︎ report
We were discussing things to bring on our upcoming trip to Hawaii

My sister suggested bringing her waterproof camera to take pictures while we snorkel, and I advised her to look up the owner's manual to make sure that it could handle salt water.

Me: The salt water might wreck the seal.
Dad: Would it wreck the walrus?

All: groan

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mack_Kohl
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2014
🚨︎ report
Talking to my Dad about the Nine Inch Nails upcoming concert...

Me: I'm going to go to this upcoming concert, have you heard of Nine Inch Nails?

Dad: Yeah, we used six inch nails to put up our fence.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mafeumatty
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2013
🚨︎ report

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