After Orville and Wilbur’s first horrific and fatal plane-accident leaving their remains scattered on the tarmac, the chief medical examiner approaching what was left of them simply asked:

β€œAre you all Wright?!”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fadedmemento
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2021
🚨︎ report
What do pirates say to warn when the California Highway Patrol is approaching?

Chips Ahoy.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Therapy_Gecko
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Approaching the house without a mask these days is just bush league.
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joelkeys0519
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Approaching your Disability with Humor youtube.com/watch?v=dSoPY…
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
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Two friends are on a road trip and one if them sees a sign stating they are approaching Louisville. One says "we should stop in 'Louie-ville' for lunch. The other says it's not pronounced 'Louie-ville', it's 'Louis-ville'!

They go back and forth for a while, neither convincing the other that they are right. Finally they decide on a place to eat. When they get to the restaurant, one of the friends asks the person taking their order to settle it once and for all. "Me and my friend are having a debate and hopefully since you live here, you can set my friend straight. Would you please tell us... and say it clear and slow for my friend here... where are we?"

The person behind the counter gets a puzzled look on his face, then says

>!"Buuuuuurrrrrr gerrrrrr Kiiiiiiinnnnggg"!<

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FaultyData
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the Soviet soldier say to his friend when he saw a German plane approaching?

β€œStuka blyat”

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lmaodatgay
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...

I realized my net wasn't big enough.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the woman who was approaching men wanting to trade sex for a spaghetti dinner?

She was arrested for pasta-tution

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
🚨︎ report
As the new year was approaching, Watson was out having a few pints with his old drinking buddies

β€œAh yes, Sherlock fancies himself quite the chef. You really must come visit us for dinner Friday at old 221B! There’s no place like Holmes’ for the hollandaise!”

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Possum
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2018
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*Wife approaching a roundabout* Wife: β€œThese roundabouts are all over Europe.”

Me: β€œSure makes it easy to get around.”

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NotSoSasquatchy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2019
🚨︎ report
The other day, for some reason unknown to me, I was pulled over by a local police vehicle. I rolled down my window and placed both hands on the steering wheel and waited. I noticed that the officer approaching the car was a woman...

When she got to the window I asked, "What's the problem officer?"

Her face darkened with anger and she replied, "You don't know?"

I answered, that I didn't.

She asked again, "You honestly don't know?"

I replied, "No ma'am, I have no idea."

Then she angrily replied, "Well, if you don't know, I'm certainly not going to tell you."

With that she turned and stomped angrily back to her car, got in, slammed the door and smoked the tires as she sped away...

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2018
🚨︎ report
My dad's take on Adrian Beltre approaching 3000 hits

http://imgur.com/8P4OTom

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/powntown
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2017
🚨︎ report
Approaching a stop sign, little did I know I was about to be....DADJOKED

A stop sign appears in the distance, but a little bit before the stop sign is a yellow sign indicating a Deaf Child lives on that street.

Being the good son I am, I indicate to my father: Dad, a deaf child lives nearby, so slow down.

caps indicates shouting

Dad: WHAT

Me:...a deaf child lives nearby, slow down...

Dad: WHAT

I look to my brother in the back seat, and he shrugs. I look forward and try to forget what just happened.

My dad bursts out laughing: I can't believe you fell for that twice! That's HILARIOUS!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hwagon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2013
🚨︎ report
On discussing my approaching college graduation...

Dad- "Knock, knock"

Me- "Who's there?"

Dad- "Reality!"

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rbart65
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2013
🚨︎ report
Approaching a stop sign

Cant give the old man credit for this one, cause this was grandmother's go-to, but it belongs here..

Any time we were in the car, and would see "Stop Ahead" painted on the road, MeMe would look at us and say, "Stop! A head! Where?!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cl0s33n0ugh
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2013
🚨︎ report
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
A man walks into an open casket funeral and approaches the widow at the front. He asks: "Mind if I say a word?". "No, go ahead" she replies.

"Bargain" the man says.

"Thanks" the woman replies. "That means a great deal."

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/giftfrom
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report
What angle should you approach a problem from?

The right angle. If that’s not an option, then the try-angle.

P.S. This joke comes courtesy of my 8 year old son. I’m floored.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PiRRoundNotSquare
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend got a role as an extra in a film. His job was to approach the lead actor and comb her hair away from the middle of her head...

It was a bit part.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2021
🚨︎ report
I was walking out of the store when I was approached by a crazed man who threw a short but large nail into the air.

He seemed non-aggressive at first, but he’s quite angry now and it appears I’m under a tack.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jesusofbullets
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
🚨︎ report
True Story. I went to pick up a couple of Italian Beef sandwiches curbside last night and as the runner approached with my order, the sandwiches broke through the gravy soaked paper bag and fell to the ground. She was extremely apologetic and said she would re-bag them for us. But I was livid!

I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/casimir1978
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
A girl approached me today at a restaurant and asked if I was single...

I said YES. And she said "Cool' and took the chair to her table for her boyfriend.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mickerallen100
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
I’m starting a chiropractic business specializing in homeopathic & aromatherapy approaches...

Back & Body Hurts

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/whoeatscheese
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Upon seeing a gorgeous girl at the party, I knew I had to meet her. So I approached and told her about a special-purpose ship designed to move and navigate through frozen waters, and provide safe waterways for other boats and ships.

I've used it before and it works. It's the perfect icebreaker.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
This guy just approached me and won’t leave me alone until I solve a trigonometry problem.

I don’t know what his angle is.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
🚨︎ report
A girl just approached me and said she knew me from vegan club

But i swear ive never seen herbivore

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mitcheg3k
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
🚨︎ report
A beautiful woman approached him at the bar saying "I will do anything you want for $200" - He stammered...

"Paint my house"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SCP-173-Keter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
🚨︎ report
The waiter approached me as I finished eating and asked, β€œyou wanna box for those leftovers?”

I replied, β€œNo, I hate violence. May I just pay for it with my card?”

πŸ‘︎ 73
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πŸ‘€︎ u/absolriven
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Last November 5, i was caught off guard when I was approached by a stranger angrily telling me to butt out of his romantic affairs.

As if i care who that Guy FΓ—Γ—Γ—Γ—s.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ganders81
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
As a spanish speaking dude I really appreciate when people approach me and say "mucho".

It means a lot to me.

πŸ‘︎ 94
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nicox37
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Last time I was on a flight, the stewardess approached me and asked, β€œSir, would you care for a drink?”

I asked her, β€œwhat are my options?”

She said, β€œyes or no.”

πŸ‘︎ 70
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheMikeD1
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
🚨︎ report
A man approached me, touched my shirt and asked β€œis this felt?” To which I responded β€œno”.

He replied β€œit is now”.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yoopyeet
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I went camping and a grizzly approached me. I was terrified. I was about to run, but the grizzly stopped and said, β€œyou will die in 10 days.” I replied, β€œwho are you??”

He said, β€œI hate to be the bear of bad news.”

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a bakery holding a crab

The man approaches a baker and says "excuse me, do you serve crab cakes here?"

The baker replies "no, we do not."

Saddened, the man lifts up the crab and says "what a shame... it's his cake day."

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/patentpunk
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
🚨︎ report
As November approaches, this thought looms
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elcielo17
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2018
🚨︎ report
I saw the headline β€œTrump Attacks WHO chief Over Criticisms of U.S. Approach to Coronavirus” and thought...

What the hell did Pete Townshend do?!?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TreyBien875
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2020
🚨︎ report
A man decided to attend his friend's funeral. He approached his friend's widow and after a consoling hug said "Plethora".

She responded "Thanks that means a lot".

πŸ‘︎ 137
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jcksn_m
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
🚨︎ report
I built a catapult that can send a human from the USA all the way to Africa

What country you end up in depends on the Angola approach

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xtilexx
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
🚨︎ report
A man is walking down the street

when he notices a hot, busty woman on the sidewalk. He approaches her and says, "I'll give you a thousand dollars if you let me bite your nipples." Naturally the woman was reluctant, but concluding that she really needed the money, she agreed. So they go into an alley, she lifts up her shirt and unhooks her bra. He proceeds to bury his face in her breasts, moving and shaking his head. After a full minute of this, she says, "Well? Aren't you going to bite them?" He walks away, saying, "Nah... that's too expensive."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ir9199
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Three women were on the run from the law (A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead).

Their car breaks down next to a corn field and they decide to run through it as the law is quickly approaching. They stumble upon a barn. Inside they find three burlap sacks and one of them suggests they should each hide inside one. Shortly after, the sherriff and his deputies arrive at the barn. They notice the three sacks. The sheriff kicks the first one containing the brunette and she says "Meow, meow." "Oh it's just a sack of kittens." One of the deputies says. The sherriff kicks the sack where the redhead is hiding and she says "woof, woof." "That's just a sack of puppies" they say. The sherriff kicks the third sack with the blonde inside and she exclaims "Potato, potato."

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wmd1234
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I was in the Apple store the other day and the sales assistant Robert, approached me and asked would I like to try the new iPhone. Not interested, I turned and said:

"No Siri Bob"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BazzyTheLemon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
🚨︎ report
My buddy gets all the girls. I watched him work once. He approached a lady and said, "girl, you remind me of a thick, creamy beverage made from raw fruit, vegetables, and sometimes dairy products, typically pureed using a blender!"

He's such a smoothie talker.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I was out playing Pokemon with my fiance when I approached a group of teens with their phones out. "Hey, I'm looking for my friend Amal..."

"Have you seen him? He's a tall Pakistani guy. Can't miss him." "No, sorry man." "Bummer... Yeah I've gotta catch Amal."

My fiance nearly threw her engagement ring at me for that one.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BriansBalloons
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2016
🚨︎ report
I came across a broken escalator today...

All I could was stair.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Two men were caught in a severe storm

John saw a tornado out the window of Frank’s house and said to Frank

β€œJesus man! that’s an F5! We gotta get to cover Frank!”

Tornado rapidly approaches within 100 yards

John was looking for the cellar door and found 2 different ones

β€œFor Fuck’s sake Frank which is the best cellar!?”

With the tornado bearing down on them, Frank sprang into action and grabbed the latest James Patterson novel.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dudemansick
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
🚨︎ report
What's the best angle to approach any problem?

The tryangle!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Flowbombahh
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I used to make extra money by selling illegal tennis equipment on the side, but I was approached by some thugs who told me to stop.

I guess they control the Tennis Racket around here.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Man walks into a butcher store and sees a side of beef strapped to the ceiling. As he approaches the counter he asked asks β€œHey, what’s with the beef?”

Butcher tells him if he can jump up and touch it, he gets half off his purchase. If not, he pays double. The man looks up at the beef and says,

β€œNah. The steaks are too high.”

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tkl15
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
🚨︎ report
I once had a 2nd shift job, 3pm-11pm.

They even had a shift differential!

After my first couple weeks I received a case of hotdogs along with my paycheck. I thought nothing of it, but then it happened again next payday, and honestly the paycheck felt a little short.

I approached my boss and asked him what the deal was.

He said "your paycheck? Yeah that's just your day rates."

"And the hot dogs?" I asked

"Nitrates"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ServiceB4Self
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report
My math teacher called me average

How mean is that ?

πŸ‘︎ 360
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Some guy just approached me and refused to leave until I solve a trigonometry problem.

I have no idea what his angle is.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
🚨︎ report
A Frog and a Bank Loan

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says $30,000.

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bstie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
A Frog and a Bank Loan

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says $30,000.

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bstie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report

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