When I came to the cruise party with an eyepatch on and a cutlass only to see everyone in suits and ties,

I realized I was dressed inappropirately

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Magnificent-Moe
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but wasn’t awarded a gold medal.

The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I finally cut ties with a friend who was dragging me down

Mountain climbing with a friend is very hard.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Russell_Pinto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
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Blood ties
πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RogueDisciple
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
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Rope walks into the bar. Bartender says, Sorry we don’t serve ropes here. Rope walks out, messes himself up, ties himself in a knot, and walks back into the bar. Bartender asked if he’s a rope!

Rope replies I’m a frayed knot.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FalseBlood8746
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Sounds like a huge Oper-TUNA-ty!
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gerlandoti
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Please vote here: When a prince ties fabric around his neck, is it a scarf, cravat or an ascot?

Voting has ended. It's a tie.

πŸ‘︎ 70
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
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My Chinese friend refuses to believe that our friend Ty is now the state boxing champion.

The Chinese don’t want to recognize Ty won.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2018
🚨︎ report
I finally cut ties with a person that was holding me back

Mountain climbing with friends is hard.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_joshi_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Which country manufactures ties?

Tieland

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheOutcast06
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend ties fishing line to the zipper of his bitches then throws homemade lures into the water...

He says fly fishing is great fun!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the race between two ties?

It was neck and neck

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iceberger3
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a Fish convicted of Murder? GILL-ty
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JemCrew
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2017
🚨︎ report
You heard about the British pig that ties shoe laces very well?

Nottingham

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Souplorde
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2019
🚨︎ report
I was telling my Chinese friend that our buddy Ty is now the local boxing champion, but he doesn’t believe it.

The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
🚨︎ report
A rope walks into a bar & asks for a beer. The bartender says, β€œNo, you’re only a rope.” So he decides to disguise himself. He ties himself into a knot & ruffles his edges a bit. The next day, he walks into the bar & asks for a beer. The bartender says, β€œOf course... Wait, aren’t you that rope?”

And the rope replies, β€œI’m a frayed knot.”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/allyyx3
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
🚨︎ report
A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here." The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender squints at hi
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ruchi565
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
🚨︎ report
i collect ties with chickens on them

i brag to friends about my hen tie collection at home.

....a friend pointed out that one of my hen ties actually has a cock and not a hen. i quipped that in tie land, it can be hard to tell them apart.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/berninicaco3
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife keeps taking way too much time cleaning my ties

She needs a lesson in tie management

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/koreancrimson
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Where do hair ties come from?

Thailand

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amberlieyt
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Jews are an ethnic menorah-ty...

...which might explain why they get to take so many challah-days.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/plushcoots
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2016
🚨︎ report
Grandfather’s ties

My grandfather was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them.

When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie.

Why am I telling you all of this back story? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kingy7777
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad went a bit overboard; he bought ten different silk ties during his stay in China.

I think he should have stopped at Taiwan.

πŸ‘︎ 103
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mechaxis
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2016
🚨︎ report
I had to cut a bunch of zip ties using a dull pair of scissors

Sadly they weren't cutting it

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blindboy88
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Shirts and ties

Just got back from shopping for new work clothes with my girlfriend. She picked out two button-down shirts for me to consider. The first was a blue-green color. I told her it wouldn't work because it doesn't match most of my ties.

The second shirt was solid gray. "You could wear a lot of your ties with this color," she said.

"True," I said. "But wearing more than one would look kind of silly."

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spacecatapult
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2016
🚨︎ report
I ask my newborn son all the time if he's got ties to Russia.

Cause he's a Pootin.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ejl5090
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2017
🚨︎ report
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but he wasn’t given the gold medal.

The Chinese authorities refuse to recognize Ty Won.

πŸ‘︎ 683
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend Ty won the Beijing marathon, but wasn’t awarded a gold medal.

The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.

πŸ‘︎ 91
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend Ty came in first in the Beijing marathon, but was not given the gold medal.

The Chinese refuse to recognize Ty won.

πŸ‘︎ 149
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend Ty came first in a swimming competition in Beijing, but he wasn’t given a gold medal.

The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.

πŸ‘︎ 215
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2019
🚨︎ report
I finally cut ties with someone who was dragging me down

Mountain climbing with a friend is hard.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SuperMegaPepega
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I finally cut ties with someone who was dragging me down

Mountain climbing with a friend is hard

πŸ‘︎ 757
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nugeon
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2019
🚨︎ report
I finally cut ties with someone who was dragging me down.

I learned that mountain climbing solo is a lot easier.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JustMy2Coppers
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I finally cut ties with someone who was dragging me down.

Mountain climbing with a friend is hard.

πŸ‘︎ 75
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kalzonkly
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2019
🚨︎ report
A rope a walks into a bar and the bartender points to a sign, says "Can't you read?! No Ropes allowed". The rope leaves the bar, ties himself into a bow and messes up his hair and walks back in. The bartender says, " ain't you that rope again"?! The rope replies, "Nope, I'm a frayed not"!
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/goodboyBill
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2015
🚨︎ report

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