Twelves Puns

Cause then it would be a foot

A footstool.

Dozen tit?

Because then it would be a foot.

But he made a great ruler.

He got twelve months

The other eight hours were done at night.

So I bought 12 loaves of bread.

It's twelve.

Surely that must be a record.

Me- “You gave me one too many”

Shopkeeper- “that one is a freebie”

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

there’s three main candidates in the running. first is joe biden, looking to keep the presidency; second is donald trump, looking to take back the presidency, and lastly is obama, wearing a sombrero and a mustache, going by the name… juan-bama. as the election results are tallied in, it’s apparent that it’s a perfect three-way tie in both the popular vote and the electoral college. the nation is in uproar, nobody can reach a decision as to how to choose the next president. but at last a solution comes forward: a literal presidential race. whoever can run the fastest lap around the white house—timed by a secret service member—will be sworn into office.

first up is donald trump. he boldly states “this will no doubt be the fastest lap around the white house, perhaps even the fastest lap run anywhere, ever,” but, not being in the best shape, he takes 18 minutes and 34 seconds.

next is joe biden. he doesn’t waste any breath for trash talk or boasting, he just readies himself at the starting line and—at the count—takes off. he’s running fast, really fast for someone of his age… at least for the first 5 minutes. but he forgets where he’s going, and finishes his lap as a leisurely walk around the grounds, taking 26 minutes and 49 seconds.

lastly is juanbama, who runs like hell around the white house. he’s running fast, faster than he’d ever run before. he completes his lap, collapsing across the finish line, and looks up desperately at the secret service member. “what was it?” he asks. “what was my time?”

the agent looks down at their stopwatch. “twelve oh-three.”

juanbama looks at them in disbelief. “well,” he sputters, “that’s got to be some sort of record!”

the secret service member shakes their head. “no, actually. bush did nine eleven.”

Why was the cookie sad?

His mother was a wafer so long

What do you call Santa on a horse?

A Jolly Rancher

"I'm at your front door," I said.

"It's nine o'clock," he sighed. "I'm not in."

I said, "That's your fault then. You told me to arrive at a quarter to twelve."

It's a pro-teen bar.

Dozentit

And he wondered what was going on so as he was walking down the fence he saw a hole in the fence, and went to see what was going on, as soon as he went to look in the hole he got poked in the eye.

Then everyone on the other side of the fence started yelling "Twelve! Twelve! Twelve!"

Seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve and thirteen.

Lift with the knees!

What do you call a monster truck during Christmas dinner?

Gravy Digger

Inside Mozart were like, eleven or twelve wolves.

That's why they call him Wolfgang.

What is Tom Hanks' favorite drink?

The Polar Expresso

What is a snowman's favorite cereal?

Frosted Flakes

What do you call Rudolph with an umbrella?

A Raindeer

What is a planet's favorite day of the week?

Saturnday

What is Santa's favorite part of celebrating Christmas every year?

It's in the present

Merry Christmas everyone!

Because then it would be a foot.

Dozen tit?

He didn't make a great king but he was a great ruler

Cuz then it would be a foot.

Sounds weird, dozen tit?

On her way out to the grocery store she asked me if I needed anything. I said, "yeah, please get me a loaf of bread and if they have eggs, get a dozen." ... She came home with twelve loaves of bread ...

Want to hear a chimney joke?

I got stacks of them, first one's on the house

To which my son said, “I’m twelve. Please don’t call me cute. And I never hurt my knee.”

Sound funny dozen tit?

Guilty.

The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.

Me: "You've given me one too many"

Shopkeeper: "That one is a freebie."

How much does a cracker weigh?

One graham

Ten Buck Two instead.

Sounds funny. Dozen tit.