Ajay: I'm taking my pet tortoise to a psychiatrist.

Sanjay: Why?

Ajay: Because he seems very shy - I'm hoping the psychiatrist can help me to bring him out of his shell.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DarkJedi224
πŸ“…︎ May 18
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GALAPAYES TORTOISE
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CluKInCok
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22
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Why did the tortoise cross the road?

To get to the Shell station.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scarecrow53
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you cross a tortoise and a porcupine

A slow poke

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2019
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What do you call it when a tortoise has balance issues?

Tortellini

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/niggety
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2019
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For the narcistic tortoise
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kauntest
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2018
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I went to a baking school, they tortoise how to make those.
πŸ‘︎ 160
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πŸ‘€︎ u/talha283838
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2018
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What happened when two tortoises collided?

It was a turtle disaster!

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/clickclackkayak
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2017
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Russian Tortoise

I am a proud father.

Wife: Your teacher has a Russian Tortoise.

6-year old son: Why is called Russian when it goes so slow.

πŸ‘︎ 756
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TreeStump21
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2016
🚨︎ report
What did the snail say while riding on a tortoise?

WEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

(Bonus dad points the longer you draw it out with your arms in the air and/or in a public place)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DylansDad
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2016
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I saw a van full of tortoises had crashed on the highway today.

It was a turtle disaster.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/USAneedsAJohnson
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2017
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The plural of tortoise in Mexico

My SO and I were wondering what the plural of tortoise was.

"Is it tortoises or tortae?" we asked, walking.

"We're in Mexico, it's tortilla."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lazarus_Pits
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2016
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I never learned about turtles at school because our teachers never tortoise
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vinags
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2015
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turtle torture

what do you call it when a tortoise has balance issues?

tortellini

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/capngloval
πŸ“…︎ May 07
🚨︎ report
[Help] I am asking this girl to prom and putting the message on a button... she really likes puns but I can’t come up with any can I have some help?

She really likes debate, she runs a debate club. She likes chocolate cake. Her favourite animal is a tortoise. She is really good at playing instruments and she plays the bassoon. Anything will help, thank you!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BOMBZABOMB
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05
🚨︎ report
A cop pulled me over and told me "Papers"

So I said "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/farrukhsshah
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29
🚨︎ report
What did Dad give Mom on her anniversary?

Nothing, he forgot

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hrishic2327
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29
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I went to a lesson about shelled amphibians.

They tortoise a lot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/M_OrangeJu
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07
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My favourite teacher at school was Mrs. Turtle

Strange name but she tortoise well..

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StarvedAsian
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Pun pet names.

Pets I want to have....

An otter name Harry Otter. A snake named Severus Snake. A tortoise named Voldetort. A chicken named Kylo Hen. A dog named Barkamedes. A deer named David Hasselhoof. A turkey named Green Gobbleen. A cat named Captain Ameowrica. A stork named Tony Stork. A pig named Peter Porker. A crocodile named Croctor Strange. A duck named Ducktor Doom. A squid named Abraham Inkin. A goose named Ryan Gooseling. A heron named Charlize Heron. A goat named Selena Goatmez An alpaca named Alpacachino. A carp name Leonardo Di’Carprio. A tuna named Tuna Turner. A horse named Neighlor Swift. A toad named Demi Lavatoad. A Rhino named Ryan Rhinolds. A swan named Swan Jovi. A Falcon named Jimmy Falcon. A ferret named Ferret Faucet. A rabbit named Hoptimus Prime. A cow named Moolissa McCarthy. A crow named Seth Crowgan. A fox named Charlie Fox. A cat named Katy Purry. A wolf named Howly Berry. A hamster named Scarlet Johamster. A parrot named Squakin Phoenix. A duck nam

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clixer712
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
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What do you call a lesson on turtles?

A turtorial

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EoinM17
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2018
🚨︎ report
Why do we think the turtle is the wisest animal?

Because it has tortoise so much.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/solaricos
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
🚨︎ report
My favourite teacher at school was Mrs Turtle

Odd name but she tortoise well

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lipptex
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2019
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Why did Rapunzel get a pet turtle?

So she could star in β€œThe Tortoise and the Hair.”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TarantulaPets
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
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One day my daughter and I were on a walk together and were surprised to see a shelled reptile a little ways down the road. Guess which direction it was heading?

Tortoise

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BunzarTheFuzzy
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when a dead turtle goes stiff?

Rigor tortoise

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gnosticpopsicle
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Turtles have always been the best teachers

They tortoise everything

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hobartcatcafe
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2018
🚨︎ report
Traffic report

I heard on the radio that a truck full of terrapins crashed into a truck full of tortoises. The police said it was a turtle disaster.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dannybxx
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2017
🚨︎ report
Fast Food at Work

I was at work today speaking with a few of my coworkers when we start talking about lunch. Two of my coworkers start talking about fast food restaurants they like going to when:

CW: I try not to eat fast food, but I really can’t help myself sometimes!

Me: I try to eat the slowest food possible, which is why I exclusively eat Tortoises.

CW: Well, all ofβ€”

It took them a couple seconds, but when they all looked at me with that β€œoh my gosh, you said what?” look, it made it all worth it.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thatisus
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2017
🚨︎ report
They say race jokes are inappropriate in 2016.

Did I ever tell you about the one between a tortoise and a hare?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bonanza86
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2016
🚨︎ report
Dad joked strangers the Denver Botanical Gardens

I spotted a turtle swimming in one of the ponds. A kid with a family next to me excitedly said, "it looks like he 's coming over here!"

To which I replied, "yeah, he's coming right tortoise."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HanSmolo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2014
🚨︎ report
Turtles have always been the best teachers

They tortoise everything

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hobartcatcafe
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2018
🚨︎ report

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