Tipping hazard.
If I think the flies have done a good job, I'll leave them a tip, I don't care. I've heard the pay is shit.
Is it 15%? 20%? I can never remember, I'm a terrible cow tipper
I told him I’ve never been served by a cow before.
I really want to teach them to respect the udderly.
Farmers pay them a competitive wage.
I just can't stand it.
She kept falling onto the people sitting next to us!
She was a very happy medium.
"be nice to your customers"
Apparently it’s because fly-tipping is not allowed!
My sister walks up to me and asks: “Are you creating a pyramid scheme?”
if he'd lettuce
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You just pay the cover charge and they'll have you in stitches.
Then it Dawned on me.
Diarrhea is an early symptom of Coronavirus infection.
So try to loaf as long as you can.
That's a solid tip.
Guess it was an anonymous tip
Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.
But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."
It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.
You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.
In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.
This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un
... keep reading on reddit ➡They were post-tit notes.
Guys, help me out here. I can't remember the name of this old action movie. Bilbo Baggins has to stop a terrorist plot and save his wife in the Nakatomi Towers. Oh, that's it.
Old Hobbits Die Hard.
Turns out he was being fostered.
He doesn't get paid much, but at least he gets to keep all the tips.
All I ended up doing by the end was just screwing around.
(they should put signs on those, or something..)
Guess you could say that guy... Lost his shit
Step 1: Add a bear
Doesn’t he know cow tipping is illegal?
The first asks for a pint of beer. The second asks for 1/2 of a pint of beer. The third asks for 1/4 of a pint of beer, etc.
The bartender fills 2 pints of beer, and walks away.
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so you can have 2020 vision
I witnessed an apple store robbery today, they made me an iWitness. I was already running late, after my wife took my cheese this morning. Even after I told her it was Nacho cheese. She asked what time my dentist appointment was, I told her Tooth hurt-y. But I didn’t end up going, as there was stairs I had to ascend. I don’t trust them, they’re always up to something. Then my wife got really mad at me and said that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!
I went straight to the barber for a new look. He asked me if I wanted a haircut? I said no, I want them all cut. Puzzled he would ask such a silly question, I noticed the graveyard across the street looking overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there I thought. I picked up a book about anti-gravity. It was impossible to put down! Shear amazement a barber would have a book like this! I told the barber I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me. He stopped cutting my hair when my ear fell off. He must of realised I was a leper at this point so I paid for his service and told him to keep the tip.
I received a call from my Eastern European mother in law, apparently my child was refusing to sleep during nap time. She told me he’s guilty of resisting a rest. Then she called me straight back to say there was a kidnapping. I rushed to her home to find my kid napping. I was angry by the miscommunication but that anger turned to joy when I realised it was the first day of spring. I got so excited I wet my plants. After which I realised I was late for soccer practice. I’m not a big fan of the sport but I was doing it for the kicks. I decided not to go as I was tired from the night before where I spent the night looking for the sun. Then it dawned on me. Unusual for me, as I’m usually a pretty good sleeper. I can do it with my eyes closed.
This actually happened a couple years ago, but I've decided to finally come out if lurking to share it here.
I was on a trip with some friends and we had stopped for lunch. We weren't very busy so my buddy and I shared a plate of wings and a couple pitchers of beer. When it came to pay, the bill was $20.01 (I don't remember how much it actually was, but it was an odd number) and we just split the bill down the middle. When we got our checks, his had the extra penny. We joked about him paying so much more, and so I said I would add an extra penny to my tip, plus one more penny to one up him.
Afterwards when we were walking out my buddy turned to me and said "do you think she'll she even notice?" I said "I like to think that she will notice and maybe chuckle at it. Besides pennies can add up and make a difference, but that's just my 2 cents"
I am not a dad yet. But I definitely feel the fatherly humor running through my veins.
I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn’t walk for nearly a year. So check your facts.
Styx and Stones may break your phones, but the Byrds will never hurt you.
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg
They're in the cervix industry.
Because they tip well
I've also learned that servers have horrible balance.
He’s a pickup artist.
"Well, I bring a lot to the table for starters.
"Don't forget to tip your server."
This was a shitty thing to wake up to
He just works for tips.
The worst part is the news says this is just the tip of the iceberg and what I need to use as TP tomorrow romaines to be seen. Stay safe kids, Dad
The money wasn't great, but he got to keep the tips
I just don't think that's fare.
I thought, that's a big step.
Sir Cumcision
It didn’t pay much but the tips were big
Dispatcher: Go ahead.
Man: Vaccinations don’t cause autism.
I do love me some cow tipping.
My wife gave birth to our first son on Friday. This morning they came to get him for his circumscion and we were feeding him a bottle. The nurse said we were going to have to cut it short. I said ok, but not too short. And nobody laughed. They looked at me like an idiot. Hopefully the internet will appreciate this.
EDIT: Didn't expect this to garner so much attention, but I guess it deserves some elaboration. Yes, this actually happened and we had our son circumcised. Everything went well without any complications. I made this decision with my wife based on hygienic, traditional, and aesthetic reasons, and I am confident in my decision. I am circumcised, and I'm happy with it.
There are times in my son's life that i will need to make decisions for him, and this was one of those times. I understand that some people think I have committed a terrible crime against my son, but I disagree. There are many arguments for both sides, and I think these decisions should be made by family and doctors when the bridge comes to be crossed.
I'm not going to go through and answer all of the questions and insults individually, I have a newborn to take care off, but y'all feel free to hash it out.
Also, I still think my joke was pretty damn funny.
The entire sport is going downhill fast.
If I made a slightly neurotic medicine to cure old age, I'd call it the 'Pill-grim-age'
Everybody would pay thousands to go on a trip to pilgrimage. :)
(first pun ever. Any tips how to get better?)
It was a bit pointless.
Because water decreases concentration.
I’ve got a few Twix up my sleeve.
Whenever you’re scared, tell yourself you’re knot afraid.
Lactose intolerant.
They'll never let you use their microwave.
I'll let you know...
It's the tip of the iceberg (courtesy of my dad).
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
I fear it's just the tip of the iceberg.
Styx and Stones may break your phones, but Byrds will never hurt you.
I'm really annoyed. And this is just the tip of the iceberg!
