Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
One day is all I lasted as a Mailman. Turned up on time in my shiny new uniform, was a handed a letter and thought to myself..
As I put my car in reverse, I thought to myself...
I told my doctor I thought my arm was broken, in several places.
He said "Well, you should probably avoid those places in the future."
Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry!?" I always thought they were going to hit me...
...not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.
I was laying on the couch and my fiancé said “I thought you said you were interesting”
I said no honey, I said I was into resting.
I never thought my chiropractor would improve my posture...
I have a jar where I put 50 cents in for every time I have a negative thought
Puns aren’t the aphrodisiac I thought they were.
Saw this in another sub but thought it belonged here
Thought I heard someone say “Hello” in Arabic
But it was a false Salaam.
I thought this book I've just bought about farming would be a nice simple read..
But it's full of words I've never even herbivore.
First one I thought of myself
When I was a kid I thought we’d all grow up to work with horses
All people ever talked about was getting a stable job...
Thought my dryer was shrinking my clothes...
Turns out it was my refrigerator.
I thought I had a foolproof method for high stakes Rock, Paper, Scissors...
... Now I'm losing money hand over fist!
I got a pun calendar and thought I would share
I thought all the trees were broken when they lost their leaves this winter. They're starting to come back now though.
Before, I thought I could never become a ninja...
I thought Tiger Woods was supposed to be good at driving...
I thought I had found the best optometrist southwest of Alaska...
But it turned out it was an optical Aleutian.
I wrote an essay in highschool about lottery winners who ended up losing. Apparently I thought this was way funnier than it is.
Just thought this : I went to the doctor cause I was pooping clocks
The doctor told me i was wasting time
My steak didn’t taste very good. At first I thought I over cooked it
But it turns out I didn’t make it in thyme.
I just thought of a name for a Christian ninja.
I swear I just thought of it, and I'm surprised I've never heard it before. Ready? Wait for iiiiiiiiiit...
John Claude Van Dang.
Not my joke in any way but thought people might like it.
I thought about being a comedian instead of a mailman, but it didn't work out
My delivery was terrible.
"Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway!" My youngest son thought of that all by himself and shared it with us during Christmas dinner!
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Honolulu...
I thought I saw Michael J Fox at my local garden centre.
I'm not sure if it was him, though, as he had his back to the fuchsias
What do you call second thoughts about plans to visit a Native American sanctuary?
A reservation reservation reservation
Saw this on the streets today. Thought it's quite amusing.
At first I thought breaking up with an egg would be hard...
My manager thought the smoothie I shared with them was a little too thick...
... They thought it was more of a "roughie"
My son asked me if I knew any good chemistry jokes as he'd just had his first chemistry class. I thought about telling him one about alkalinity...
But then I thought; 'Nah, too basic...'
I got an email from Google Earth saying it can “read maps backwards” and I thought
Knew an bird watcher who lived so long he saw every bird except one. On his deathbed he was asked if he thought he used his time well
He said he had no Egretes
I thought I heard the Bee Gees singing in my herb garden...
But it was just the chives talkin'
I was tasked to come up with a great pun for a new launch of Microsoft Office, I thought I’d come up with a great one.
But my publisher told me that word games are not what I excel at.
Thought this pun was original. It is not.
While I was gardening a potato was watching me and criticizing my every move. He thought he was big stuff.
But I think he was just a commontater
The detective thought he found the key to solving the baker mystery.
Turns out it was just a bread herring.
As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself....
As I put my car in reverse, I thought to myself...
As I put my car in reverse, I thought to myself....
I thought all the trees were broken when they lost their leaves this winter. They're starting to come back now though.
Before, I thought I could never become a ninja...
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