The right way of flirting
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way.
Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
I heard Ian McKellan, Ian McDiarmid, and Ian Holm are teaming up to defend the Milky Way.
They’re calling themselves the Guard-Ians of the Galaxy.
I like the way earth rotates.
My daughter told me she saw a deer on the way to school.
Me: “How do you know it was going to school?”
What is the worst way to ruin a joke?
What’s the best way to trap a polar bear?
First drill a hole in the ice and line it with green peas. When the polar bear comes to take a pea, kick him in the icehole!
(Told to me by my dad at dinner this evening)
The best way to tell the difference between an Indian and an African elephant is
that one of them is an elephant.
I can't think of a better way to cross the lake
Draco Malfoy's preferred way to get to the dungeons? SLYTHERIN!
I threw an engagement ring at my girlfriend, but she dodged out of the way.
Steve Irwin died the way he lived -
- with animals in his heart.
A bell curve walked into a plastic surgeon's office and said "Doctor, I don't like the way I look"
And the doctor said, "You look normal to me".
An man at a bar didn’t want his wife to know he was out all night. But he was so drunk he couldn’t even stand and had to crawl all the way back home on all fours.
He got home he reached up for the door knob and opened the door, crawled upstairs and into his bed with his wife. His wife in the morning said “Why were you out all night?” He said “How did you find out?”
She said “The bar called. They said you left your wheelchair again”.
While driving from Oklahoma to Illinois, I got lost on the way.
I've been in a state of Missouri ever since.
Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?
He forgot his Chopin Liszt.
Everyone laughed when they saw the way my barber styled me...
But I liked my new hardehardo.
My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, “Dad get out of the way!”
I said, “You’re the ones blocking!”
Condensation really isn't the best way to water your lawn...
What's the most American way to sit?
What the best way to make a muscle contract?
Make them sign on the dotted line.
The Italian chef that lived near me pasta way :'(
You know, people made fun of trump for the way he went down that ramp.
It was a little con descending in my opinion.
A bug hit my windshield on the way to work this morning
I said “I bet you don’t have the guts to do that again”
My wife gave birth to our son in our car on the way to the hospital
What is the best way to observe the two planets between Jupiter and Neptune?
Why do racecar drivers put their seats all the way back?
They need plenty of
KNEEEEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOM
Edit: Thanks for the silver, friends! You sure know how to make a feller feel stellar
My friend announced that he parkoured his way to the top of a pub, but nobody cared.
After all, it was a low bar to climb.
I boughta broken radio for a dollar that had the volume stuck all the way up!
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.
MOM: Oh my! Who!?
DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?
MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????
DAD: No, it was with a knife...
I got into an argument with someone I thought was a "birds aren't real" supporter. I'm an idiot; they were just messing with me and they made some amazing bird puns along the way that deserve attention. The link to the post is in the comments so you can go give the user karma and see the context.
https://preview.redd.it/n7zvpwxkj6m51.png?width=1280&format=png&auto=webp&s=54f0549ebd3c055929698d6fef3bc05782bf5282
Found a way to stop my dog from barking in the front garden....
I put it in the back garden.
And this is the way it ends
Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor!
The way kids are dressing these days makes me think they all have COVID-19...
...they obviously have no taste.
I recently switched from using mayonnaise to using butter for making grilled cheese sandwiches. My wife said she liked them more with the butter, but kindly asked me if it was more work this way?
I answered: "It is, but only margarinely more."
Note: this really happened.
One of my friends asked "what's the best way to cook an alligator?"
What is the object oriented way to get wealthy?
The only way to kill a French vampire is to slowly drive a baguette through its heart.
The process is a little painstaking.
Why did the lion get his hair cut on his way to the Chinese restaurant?
Because he wanted a Lo Mein
Dad, are you sure this is the way to London?
What is the worst way to learn driving ?
What's the best way to catch a fish?
Have someone throw it to you.
What's the best way to give thanks?
Breathtaking view of the milky way from mars
Which band were way ahead of their time in the stage lighting department?
As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way....
I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
I love the way the earth rotates
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