Whatβs the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb
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︎ Jul 09 2020
I was visiting my pregnant friend at the hospital, and the only parking spot I could find was in the C section.
I had to climb out of the sunroof.
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︎ May 27 2020
My pregnant girlfriend was noticing and complimenting my figure after going to the gym and eating healthily for some time.
Me: so what youβre saying is... βdad assβ.
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︎ Jul 06 2020
My pregnant wife just asked me if I think her tummy is going to get bigger for the next time she gets pregnant.
Me: "Of course it will get bigger"
Her: "Oh, why do you think that?"
Me: "Because, your body will upgrade from a queen size womb to a king size womb"
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︎ Jun 13 2020
A woman pregnant with twins was in the hospital with her brother as she went into labour.
She gave birth to a boy and a girl but the delivery was very intense and she went into coma for a few days. When she woke up the doctor told her about the twins and that as she was in coma for long, her brother named the kids. She said,"Oh God! Not my brother, he is a stupid idiot."
The doctor told her that he named the girl Denise and her mother said,"well that's not too bad, what about my son?"
The doctor replied the boy is named DeNephew.
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︎ May 12 2020
A pregnant co-worker walked into the office the other day. I took a look at her baby bump and said βitβs becoming apparent that youβre becoming a parentβ.
Stay safe everyone and try to keep smiling
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︎ Mar 26 2020
What did the pregnant mare say when she gave birth upon being dealt a royal flush?
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︎ Mar 22 2020
Why did the pregnant woman throw up at the funeral?
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︎ Jan 12 2020
So my pregnant wife and I were out shopping for baby clothes the other day.
We were in the newborns size sections.
Wife: Oh, look at this cute newborn! Can we buy it?
Me: I thought you were going to give birth to it?
Wife: The outfit...?
Me: No, the baby.
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︎ Dec 31 2019
Lawyer - Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?
Doctor - Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination.
Taken from an actual court hearing
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︎ Dec 08 2019
Why did the blind pornstar get pregnant
She didnβt see it coming
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︎ Nov 10 2019
My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside herβ¦
I said, βNah, itβs probably womb temperature.β
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︎ Jun 15 2019
My wife found out she's pregnant (pregante, pragnent, etc.) and graduated college at the same time!
She earned her MA degrees!
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︎ Nov 24 2019
What is the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.
EDIT: An older gentleman spent the whole afternoon in the gas station telling dad jokes to every customer that walked through the door. This was mine.
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︎ Jun 17 2019
Three months ago my wife came out of the bathroom and said, βIβm pregnantβ
So I said, βHi pregnant, Iβm dad!β
(True story)
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︎ May 08 2019
My pregnant wife hobbled into the hospital with one hand on her back...
A nurse asked her what's wrong, and my wife screamed, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!"
The nurse shook her head and said, "I'm sorryβ¦I don't understand."
My wife's face contorted in pain as she shouted, "Can't! Won't! Don't!"
The nurse, bewildered, turned the doctor.
"Admit her," the doctor said. "She's having contractions."
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︎ Apr 30 2017
*Wife pregnant* Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby"
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
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︎ Jan 20 2019
Did you hear about that Japanese foodie who got became transgender and now goes by Edward, but then got pregnant and had a baby and joined the baby bloggers?
His blog is called Ed - A Mommy.
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︎ Apr 18 2019
Do you know the proper title for a two dimensional woman when she is pregnant?
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︎ Jul 09 2019
Why werenβt any of the pregnant women hungry?
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︎ Apr 03 2019
Did you hear about the pregnant joke?
She had a pun in the oven!!
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︎ May 19 2019
Why couldnt the warlock get the witch pregnant?
Because he had a halloweenie
π︎ 4
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︎ Apr 24 2019
A wife finds out she's pregnant and wants to surprise her husband with the news...
"Honey, I'm pregnant!"
"Are you kidding me?"
"That's another way of saying it, I guess, yeah."
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︎ Mar 16 2018
Mom was pregnant and dad asked the time. She asked if she looked like a clock...
"Well, you're big and round and you've got two hands!" said my dad
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︎ May 26 2018
A pregnant woman gave birth on a boat without knowing the sex.
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︎ Feb 07 2019
A man walks into a bar looking depressed. Bar tender asks whats wrong? Man says its his 50th wedding anniversary. And that when he was a teenager he got his girl friend pregnant. And to make it worse the father was a Judge and he told me if i did'nt marry his daughter i would go to Jail for 50 year
Today I could be a free man !
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︎ Dec 23 2018
My wife is weeks pregnant. Lately the position of the baby has been hurting her tail bone. I had my face down by the belly, and my wife told me to talk to it. βQuit hurting your mother.β I said β Youβre grounded!β
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︎ Dec 15 2018
I found out that I was pregnant because when I went to the OB, the doctor told me to put me feet in the stirrups. My husband blurted βThat is the strangest horse Iβve ever seen!β The doctor smiled and congratulated my husband for making his first dad joke. His response βI feel a little Dad inside.β
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︎ Jan 10 2019
When Mrs. Exclamation told her husband This that she was pregnant with her second set of twins, he was very excited. As had happened with her first twins, the babies looked nothing like their father. He didn't realize it though, and once again she put his name on the birth certificates.
Now This raises more questions.
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︎ Nov 02 2018
My pregnant wife and I were on our way out of the doctor's office
And the receptionist was trying to schedule our next appointment, which was a routine check up. "We'll get you in and out real quick," she said. I turned to her and said, "that's what got us into this mess in the first place."
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︎ Feb 01 2015
Did you hear about the pregnant bedbug?
She gave birth in the spring
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︎ Aug 08 2018
Have you heard about the pregnant bed bug?
She's going to have her baby in the spring.
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︎ Aug 23 2018
In 1948, Elizabeth (the future queen) became pregnant with her first child (now Prince Charles). How did her doctor tell her?
"There's something in the heir."
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︎ Feb 08 2018
An expectant father and his pregnant wife are on vacation in the wilderness. Suddenly his wife goes into labor. The man frantically dials 911.
Operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Dad: My wife is going into labor! I don't know what to do!
Operator: Please calm down sir, I'll help you through this. Now, is this her first born?
Dad: No! This is her husband!
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︎ Feb 03 2017
As a pregnant woman, I find it hard to describe the almost magical feeling of what it's like when the baby kicks.
It's almost like an in the body experience
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︎ Jun 07 2018
While taking my pregnant wife to the hospital after her water had broken, I thought she would see the humor since she has a Masters in English. She did not.
My Wife "OH GOD HERE COMES ANOTHER CONTRACTION"! Me "Can't".
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︎ Mar 09 2017
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception
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︎ Oct 25 2017
Where do pregnant cars from the movie "cars 3" go.
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︎ Jun 21 2018
This is getting silly, but help me remember the name of the movie with Ellen Page where she got pregnant in high school...
...it had a certain Juno se qua
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︎ Jul 19 2017
In the Bible, God had a business endeavor in which He made virgin women pregnant.
It didn't last long, but he made a prophet.
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︎ Jan 06 2017
I gave up my seat to a pregnant person on the bus.
That is how i lost my job as a bus driver.
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︎ Dec 15 2017
A woman goes to the doctor. He says "It looks like you're pregnant."
Woman: "I am?!"
Doctor: "No, it just looks like you are."
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︎ May 07 2017
My wife pregnant wife asked me what name we should name the baby if it's a boy. I replied Justin...
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︎ Dec 10 2017
How did the typewriter know it was pregnant?
It skipped a period.
Thanks Dad! http://i.imgur.com/WkX7hud.jpg
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︎ Jan 10 2017
A single woman who was 3 months pregnant fell into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awoke and asked the doctor about her baby...
Doctor: "You had twins! A boy and a girl and they are both fine. We let the brother name them both for you"
Mother: "Oh shit, he's an idiot! What did he name my baby girl?"
Doctor: "Denise."
Mother: "Oh.. That's not too bad. What is my sons name?"
Doctor: "Denephew"
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︎ Jun 22 2015
Where the the pregnant woman sit in the stadium?
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︎ Jun 24 2016
I dad joked my wife the moment she told me we were pregnant
We were going out to hang out with our friends and like usual the mrs was taking her time to get ready to leave.
She came out of the bathroom and told me we were pregnant. My response:
"That's great! Now come on we're late, and so are you."
I personally love it. But she wasn't so thrilled.
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︎ May 15 2015
Everyone is getting pregnant, there must be something in the air...
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︎ Feb 20 2017
How did the guy polynomial get the girl polynomial pregnant?
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︎ Dec 03 2013
A girl is pregnant and says to the boyfriend...
Woman :: "Honey! I'm pregnant!
Man :: "Nice to meet you pregnant, I'm Dad!"
Man :: "It's happening..."
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︎ Oct 26 2015
It's a pity the new female Medical Examiner will never get pregnant
Because nobody puts baby in a coroner.
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︎ Aug 26 2015
Watched my pregnant wife walk over to the fridge and pull out a bottle of Poland Springs. As she was coming back sit down I said "Shouldn't you be holding that with both hands?"
"We wouldn't want your water to break."
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︎ Apr 24 2016
So my pregnant fiancΓ© got me. I'm supposed to be the one dad joking!
She was a little bitter because I had a cocktail and she can't because she's pregnant. She asked me what it was.
Me: "It's bourbon, ginger beer and lime. It's called a Kentucky Mule."
Her: "Does it taste like ASS?!?!?"
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︎ Aug 12 2014
My pregnant wife and I are preparing for a move to a new city and she has been taping up boxes and placing them on the floor around my desk.
I told her that she is really boxing me in.
Can't wait until these dad jokes become official.
http://i.imgur.com/np9XSde.jpg
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︎ Jan 04 2014
whats the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
you can unscrew a lightbulb
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︎ Jun 15 2020
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.
π︎ 34
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︎ May 12 2020
Whats the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
π︎ 10
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︎ May 20 2020
Whatβs the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a lightbulb
π︎ 102
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︎ Apr 05 2019
My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside herβ¦
I said, βNah, itβs probably womb temperature.β
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Apr 12 2017
I went to visit my pregnant friend in the hospital and found a parking spot in the C section of the parking lot.
I had to climb out of the sunroof.
π︎ 18
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︎ Jun 22 2019
Whatβs the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew the lightbulb.
π︎ 7
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︎ Jul 07 2019
Whatβs the difference between a pregnant lady and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.
π︎ 12
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︎ Feb 13 2019
What is the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.
π︎ 9
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︎ Jan 09 2018
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