If electricity always follows the path of least resistance,

Why doesn't lighting always strike in France?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tanakiin
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2020
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I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children

It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
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From my 8 year old, on his path to becoming a great dad: "What did the designers of Darth Vader's costume model it on?"

Mannequin Skywalker

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πŸ‘€︎ u/slavejamhour
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
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Did you hear about the tornado in southern USA that was swallowing everything in its path?

It was called the VoreTex-as.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Deciperer
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
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Two travelers are lost in the woods when they come across a man lying in their path.
         One says, β€œWe’re saved! We can ask him for directions!” His friend, however, had a somber expression on his face.
          β€œDoesn’t something seem off to you about this man?” he replies, gesturing to the figure lying prostrate on the road before them.
          β€œWhat do you mean?” said the first, confusion splayed across his features.
          β€œI mean we can’t trust a thing he says. He’s a pathological lier.”
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ForestValkyrie
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
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Did you all hear about the newly discovered Dinosaur that ate everything in it's path?

The Omnomnomivor.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kerlandays
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
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Two friends named Trouble and Shut Up went hiking. Trouble went off the path and got lost so Shut Up went to the police to report him missing......

.....when asked his name by the cop filling out the report he replied Shut Up. The frustrated cop asked repeatedly for his name and was met each time with an equally frustrated and louder reply of SHUT UP! The cop got angry and then asked....hey man, are you looking for trouble? The reply back was "Yes! That's the reason I came here....I'm looking for Trouble!!!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/2donutkid2
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2018
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The path of the righteous man
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GentlemanJorge
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2017
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On the path to being a great Dad

Wife is 7 weeks pregnant. She turns to me and says the baby would be the size of a bean at this stage. I replied "Wow! Inside you is a human bean!" Silent treatment from the wife ensued, but worth it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/emperorpollux
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2017
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Today while on a steep upslope during a hike my son was walking up the shale rock beside the path with some difficulty. In frustration he shouted, "Why am I doing this?" And I responded...

"Well, recently didn't you say you wanted to live a bolder life?" Zing!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Freklred
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2016
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I usually text my girlfriend when I'm walking up the stairs to her apartment, and today I sent her this. I then realized the path I'm taking leads me to here.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chase0602
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2013
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Where do crazy people ride their bikes?

On the psycho path

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ivy7496
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
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My mom said this unknowingly but it still counts

So I was complaining about where I am in life and the path I have chosen she said

"Don't try to blame someone else for the road your on ....its your own asphalt"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oilspilpenguin
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
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the puppy test

Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

  1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
  2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
  3. Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
  4. Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
  5. Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
  6. Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
  7. Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
  8. Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
  9. Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
  10. Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
  11. Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
  12. Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
  13. Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
  14. When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
  15. Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
  16. Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
  17. Always go straight home after work or school
  18. Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
  19. Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.”
  20. Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
    Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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what, would you say, is the craziest kind of road out there?

my votes for the cycle-path.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChrisLeePortland
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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Why is there no Jedi Navy?

Sailing is a path to the dockside

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jburn09
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
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How did the crazy people find their way out of the woods ?

They followed the psycho path

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
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(UK) A B-road walks into a bar.

The B-road starts bragging extensively about his status as a B-road. The bar staff and patrons aren't impressed.

Then, an A-road struts in. The A-road immediately starts criticising the B-road, whilst also bragging about his own status. The two get into a big argument, and the patrons are starting to get riled up.

Then, a motorway barges his way into the bar, and starts boasting that he is better than the A-road and B-road combined. The argument escalates, and some customers grab their belongings, preparing to leave.

And then, a solid white line walks into the bar.

The whole bar falls silent. The argument stops dead in its tracks, and the three roads immediately disperse, avoiding eye contact with the new customer.

The solid white line goes up to the bar, orders a drink, and consumes it slowly. The bar is still silent. As soon as he is finished, the solid white line turns and leaves the bar without a word. The three roads breathe a sigh of relief.

The barman is astounded. "What the hell was that about?!" he exclaims.

"We don't mess with him" mutters the motorway.

"Why not?"

"He's a cycle path".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2020
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A vampire was giving a presentation at a career fair.

The vampire, being hundreds of years old, had decided to conduct an experiment to see which career path was the most rewarding. He had every degree and certification you could imagine, but he settled on a surprising choice: cleaning mirrors.

When questioned, he said, "There's something about cleaning a mirror that just speaks to me. Not only can you see your progress as you go, I just know I'm helping someone see their true selves, for better or worse. I'm as surprised as you are, it's not a job I could ever see myself doing."

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2020
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A road for cars meets a road for bikes on tinder

After some talking they decide to go out on a date.

After a nice dinner the road for bikes invites the road for cars to his appartement.

They get upstairs, but instead of going to the bedroom, the road for bikes stabs en kills the road for cars cold-blooded.

Turns out, he was a real cycle path

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StijnSteen
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2019
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A donut walks into a church, approaches the priest and explains "Excuse me, Father, I don't mean to trouble you, but I'm very interested in joining the clergy."

"I was hoping that you could give me some pointers."

The priest, after taking a moment to accept the fact that he's speaking with a pastry, offers a warm smile in response.

"That is truly a noble calling." he says. "Most frequently, individuals who wish to become priests begin by growing active in their parish, then entering a seminary. While in attendance there, would-be clergy members work to excel in every regard, reaffirming their beliefs and devoting themselves to the path of righteousness. When the time comes, a given initiate will be ordained as a deacon, which will allow them passage to priesthood."

"That sounds like a very involved process." the donut confesses. "I'm not sure I have the time."

"If you don't mind me asking…" replies the priest. "What made you think you wanted to join the clergy if you're not willing to make a commitment to the process? Why do you want to be a priest at all?"

"Well…" the donut answers. "See, it's because I'm holey."

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
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Traveling Evangelical Geese...

My morning walk with the dog was cut short today. There's a park we usually wander through so she can sniff and explore, but today we couldn't get in because the path was blocked by an army of angry geese.

I was telling my mom about this and she mentioned there are geese at the river where she and a friend take their dogs, too. She said they must all be in town for some kind of conference. Then she paused for half a second and continued:

I bet it's a religious thing. They're here to preach the goosepel.

(To satisfy the rule: that's a play on gospel.)

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PupperPuppet
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2019
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How do crazy people cross the forest?

They take the psycho-path

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HydroLeak
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2019
🚨︎ report
The Blitz of Puns

It really grinds my gears when people say stick-shift is obsolete.

Most people like their music bass-boosted, but it seems like too much treble.

When an astronaut drinks tea, he takes a big space-sip.

The best electricity puns are live wires. Coppers really don’t know how to resist these in a coil. If you make enough of this type of pun you can really blow their fuses. You need to be smart about how you conduct these so you don’t overload your capacitors.

The only kind of rap I like is the wrapping paper on gifts.

Scissors always cut to the point.

Airplane puns always fly overhead. You have to be careful so you don’t stall out. Always use better judgement so you nose how to dive. When used correctly, this pun classification can really propel to infinity and beyond. However, if misused, the fall from grace is full of turbulence.

When working with electricity puns always make sure to be grounded to prevent shocking results.

Mr. Tea says, ”Don’t be a fool, stay in school!”

i c e i c e w a t e r

Architecture is an aspiring career path.

β€˜Pun’ puns don’t add up. The are starting to get negative receptions.

I’ll do algebra. I’ll even do calculus. But graphing is where I draw the line.

Plants should always rooted in the ground.

Never argue with people when they are right or nobody will be left hanging out with you.

Rocks make boulder moves. This means they are pelite and not jagged. Don’t take these puns for granite.

Cheese puns are grate because you don’t have to ask for parmesan to use them.

Eskimos have cold personality. It is an ice society, but some of their history chills my spine.

My dog died a few years ago. It was really ruff.

I am not a fan of wind turbines.

Life is like driftwood. You never know where you will float.

Christmas lights stick together. When one goes out, they all do.

Puns about communism are only funny if everyone gets them.

Rocket scientists cannot fuel around or something bad can happen.

A baker is someone who kneads to make baked goods.

I sometimes wear stripes to avoid being spotted.

Sponges are great at absorbing liquids.

Contrary to the name, relationships have nothing to do with boats.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zmanofdoom95
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
🚨︎ report
A truck driver drives during an intense winter strom

The truck driver comes to a stop. The woman in the car behind him gets out of her car and knocks on the truck driver's window:

"Excuse me sir, you are losing your load!"

The truck driver is confused and continues his path until the next stop. The woman knocks on his window again.

"Excuse me sir, you are losing your load!"

The truck driver is even more confused and continues to drive. At the next stop, the woman comes to knock again on his window.

"Excuse me sir, you are losing your load!"

The truck driver gets angry and says:

"Would you please shut up! I'm putting salt on the road!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RandomGuyNumber1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2018
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The little blue man

A little blue man finds a little yellow string and doesnt know what it's for so he goes into his little blue bedroom and asks his little blue wife what it's for. She says she doesnt know and that he should ask the little red man.

So he goes out his little blue bedroom down his little blue stairs, down the little blue hallway, out the little blue door, down the little blue path, out the little blue gate down the little blue path and out the little blue village. Into the little red village, up the little red road, though the little red gate, up the little red path, though the little red door up the little red hallway and into the little red living room and asked the little red man "do you know what this little yellow string is for" and he replied "no clue go ask the little green man"

So he goes out the little red living room, down the little red hallway, out the little red door, down the little red path, out the little red gate down the little red path and out the little red village. Into the little green village, up the little green road, though the little green gate, up the little green path, though the little green door up the little green hallway and into the little green living room and asked the little green man "do you know what this little yellow string is for" and he replied "no clue go ask the little brown man"

So he goes out the little green living room, down the little green hallway, out the little green door, down the little green path, out the little green gate down the little green path and out the little green village. Into the little brown village, up the little brown road, though the little brown gate, up the little brown path, though the little brown door up the little brown hallway and into the little brown living room and asked the little brown man "do you know what this little yellow string is for" and he replied "no clue go ask the little yellow man"

So he goes out the little brown living room, down the little brown hallway, out the little brown door, down the little brown path, out the little brown gate down the little brown path and out the little brown village. Into the little yellow village, up the little yellow road, though the little yellow gate, up the little yellow path, though the little yellow door up the little yellow hallway and into the little yellow living room and asked the little yellow man "do you know what this little yellow string is for" and he replied " yeah when you get home pull it for a suprise"

So he g

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nagyourtoe
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
🚨︎ report
How does a crazy person find their way out of the wilderness?

They just take the pyscho path

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2019
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Why did the bicycle see the psychiatrist?
  1. It was always two tired.

  2. It had lost its bearings and became derailed.

  3. It had cycle logical problems.

  4. The cycle paths were starting to rub off on it.

  5. It was fed up with being taken for a ride.

  6. It suspected it was becoming cycle-chotic.

  7. It had been too long since it last spoke to a professional.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2018
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Girlfriend dadjoked me on a hike

We were right below the flight path of the major airport in the area because there was a plane that was fairly close to the ground. So I said "I wonder why they are flying so low?" to which she responds "I don't think so, they probably have more than one passenger." I stare at her... she goes "So low? Solo?" I laughed and groaned. She will make a great dad.

πŸ‘︎ 795
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πŸ‘€︎ u/McSippy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2014
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Nihilist Dad Jokes

Why did the scarecrow win a prize? Because he stood alone in his field! He stood there for years, rotting, until he was forgotten.

I tell my kids, you’re allowed to watch the TV all you want… Just don’t turn it on! This way they will begin to understand the futility of all things.

How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. Like all animals, it is an automaton, driven by blind genetic imperative, marching slowly to oblivion.

Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating? They have no body to go with them! The skeletons are like us: alone, empty, dead already.

I don’t really like playing soccer. I just do it for kicks! Like all of humanity, I pretend to enjoy things, and others pretend to care about my charade.

You hear about the moon restaurant? Good food, no atmosphere! If you eat there, you forfeit your life, which would make no difference to the universe as a whole.

Why did the blonde focus on an orange juice container? It said concentrate! She realized that society’s depictions of her were like the juice: formulaic, insipid, fake.

My wife told me to put the cat out. I didn’t know it was on fire! By the time I could act, it was incinerated, a harbinger of the path we all must take.

How come the invisible man wasn’t offered a job? They just couldn’t see him doing it! This man stands for all of us: unseen, misunderstood, irrelevant.

Today I gave away my old batteries… Free of charge! No one wanted them, so I became angry and threw them in the yard. The battery acid now leaks into the soil, killing a colony of ants. A sparrow eats their bodies and is poisoned. Somewhere in the Serengeti, a lion devours his rival’s cubs. Then the lion is shot by a poacher and sold to an unloved rich man whose father was an unloved rich man. In five billion years, the Sun will become a bloated giant, boiling the oceans and consuming our pointless cruelties with flames. I wake sweat-drenched and screaming, staring at the visage of a faceless god. β€œWHAT HAVE I DONE?! HOW COULD I BRING A CHILD INTO THIS WORLD!?” But this god, like all gods, is nothingβ€”just my son’s Wilson baseball mitt, sitting on my dresser, mocking me.

Will February March? No, but April May! Soon we become ash, and time forgets us.

Source: https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/nihilist-dad-jokes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vorschlaghammer
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
🚨︎ report
A long one

So, a few weeks ago, someone posted a pretty long dad joke. Here's mine--it's what my dad would call a "Shaggy dog story".

The dolphin trainers at the zoo were very upset because the dolphins were very ill and getting worse. An animal shaman told them that he could not only cure the dolphins, but make them live forever--all he needed were some young sea gulls. The trainers immediately set off to find some young sea gulls.

While looking for the gulls, a lion at the zoo escaped. The trainers didn't care--they had to save the dolphins. They found their gulls and were making there way back to the dolphin enclosure when they came across the lion. Fortunately, it was dead asleep, having been hit with a tranquilizer dart--but it was right in the middle of the path. So, they carefully stepped across it, and were immediately arrested. The crime? Transporting young gulls across state lions for immortal porpoises.

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/esoper1976
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2018
🚨︎ report
A lunatic, a maniac and a serial killer have moved into our neighborhood.

We have changed the name of the street to Psycho Path.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Why does lightning strike a tree before a person?

Because it takes the path of leaf resistance

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AsSheenOnTV
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2018
🚨︎ report
Heard this one in the lift today

guy: how did your friday night go?
girl: it was amazing, we were all trashed. I ended up pulling a muscle
guy: wait... you went to the beach!?
girl: what? no, why?
guy: where else are going to pull a mussel?

the guy then proceeded to laugh at his own joke. Not sure if he was a dad, if not then he is on the right path

Edit I derped on the spelling of mussel

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Martsigras
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2013
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Padres of the Caribbean

Dad and I are leaving Home Depot and cross paths with a gentleman carrying some 2x4s over his shoulder through the crosswalk. He stops the car and turns to me with, "Looks like he's... walking the plank." Dad literally cant drive the car because he's doubled over the steering wheel crying. All I can do is meet the stares of fellow shoppers with the deadpan face of one who has just been dad-joked. I will become him one day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ColdSoup74
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2013
🚨︎ report
How do crazy people get through the woods?

They take the psycho path.

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fingadod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2019
🚨︎ report
How do crazy people go through the forest?

They take the psycho path!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
🚨︎ report
How do crazy people cross the forest ?

They take the psycho-path

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HydroLeak
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2018
🚨︎ report
Where do crazy people ride their bikes?

The cycle path

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ivy7496
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2018
🚨︎ report
How do crazy people get through the forest?

They take the psycho path.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thisissami
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2018
🚨︎ report
How do crazy women get through the forest?

They take the psycho-path

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/peterqub
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2017
🚨︎ report

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