I was sitting down, so all the puns I thought of were chairrible
Authorities are looking into it
This is snow joke.
Police are looking into it.
She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to make her final preparations to move to Switzerland.
When she arrived back home, the thought occurred to her that she had not seen a “W.C.” in the room or even down the hall. (A W.C. is short for “water closet” and is what the English call a toilet.) So she immediately emailed the pastor to ask him where the “W.C.” is located.
The Swiss pastor had never heard of a “W.C.,” and so he Googled the abbreviation and found an article titled “Wayside Chapels.” Thinking that the English lady was asking about a country church to attend near her new home, the pastor responded as follows:
Ms. Smith,
I look forward to your move. Regarding your question about the location of the W.C., the closest W.C. is situated only two miles from the room you have rented, in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees. The W.C. has a maximum occupancy of 229 people, but not that many people usually go on weekdays. I suggest you plan to go on Thursday evenings when there is a sing-along. The acoustics are remarkable and the happy sounds of so many people echo throughout the W.C.
Sunday mornings are extremely crowded. The locals tend to arrive early and many bring their lunches to make a day of it. Those who arrive just in time can usually be squeezed into the W.C. before things start, but not always. Best to go early if you can!
It may interest you to know that my own daughter was married in the W.C. and it was there that she met her husband. I remember how everyone crowded in to sit close to the bride and groom. There were two people to a seat ordinarily occupied by one, but our friends and family were happy to share. I will admit that my wife and I felt particularly relieved when it was over. We were truly wiped out.
Because of my responsibilities in town, I can’t go as often as I used to. In fact, I haven’t been in well over a year. I can tell you I really miss regularly going to the W.C. Let’s plan on going together for your first visit. I can reserve us seats where you will be seen by all.
Sincerely,
Pastor Kurt Meier
My house is full of light switches!
I even changed my major to Ort History!
It's a murder investigation.
Because Missouri loves company :)
Because people are dying to get in!
I always check, but haven't seen safety yet.
My dad was picking me up at the airport yesterday. I had just flown in from Denver. After reading an article on reddit, I paid more attention to the apocalyptic artwork around the airport, and decided to ask my dad if he had heard of any conspiracy theories.
DAD: Wouldn't surprise me if that were true, what with all the scandal surrounding Mayor Peña.
ME: Who was that?
DAD: He was the mayor of Denver for a long time. They named the street Peña Boulevard after him even! It's crazy. I heard they even wanted to name town hall after him.
ME: But they didn't because of a scandal...?
DAD: Nah. They just felt weird naming it the "Hall of Peña". Get it, Jalapeño?
ME: ...
The sound from a pigeon on stage does not do this because of a coo sticks.
I was amidship man.
Police said he'd topped himself
Because beauty is in the eye of the bee holder
But I know I can trust molecules, we have chemistry.
Palpatine voice Ionic...
Then, when he goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
When the bear stops to take a pea, kick it in the ice hole!
I didn't understand the gravity of the situation.
Edit: thanks for the awards, kind strangers!
Gamora: "I am going to die surrounded by the biggest idiots in the galaxy."
Stop pretending.
Tour guide: And did you know that if you live across from a cemetery, you can’t be buried there?
Me: What?? Why not?
Tour guide: Because you’re still alive!
It didn't help, but I knew he meant well
I told her it was a Sound Investment.
You stop pretending.
In the ship I saw the Master at Arms’ office and weapon storage was right near the ship’s bakery. It struck me as odd, until I realized that the Navy followed the same principles as the Army having the US gold in Fort Knox, surrounded by an armored force.
You have to be able to guard the dough.
Well there were pros and cons.
They are surrounded by dozens of the fierce blood thirsty warriors armed with clubs and spears. The leader of the warriors approaches the two friends and informs them they are trespassing on sacred land and unless they can prove they are descendants of the Gods they will be killed and eaten.
Bob and Frank realize they have little choice but agree they will attempt any test to try to save their lives.
The chief warrior brings them a bowl full of angry fire ants and drops one small seed into the bowl. He informs them they must put their lips in the bowl and suck as hard as they can. If they manage to suck up only the seed without sucking up an ant then the tribe would know they must be sent from the Gods.
Bob looks wearily at Frank but knowing they have no other options he puts his lips in the bowl and sucks hard. He immediately gets a mouth full of ants and screams in pain as they bite away at the inside of his mouth. Frank now even more nervous takes his turn and to his dismay also receives a nasty mouthful of the viscous buggers.
The warriors leap to their feet and surround the friends, “Now you must die” declares the chieftain. Just as the first spear is raised to Franks throat he screams “Tria-Gan!” The warriors stop dead in their tracks. “What did you say” asked the chief. “Tria-Gan” yelled frank again. Immediately the chief and his warriors turned and fled into the forest.
“Holy shit” said Bob “What did you just say and how did you know it would work?”
“Well” said Frank, “my Mother always told me if at first you don’t suck seed try Tria-Gan.”
It's a pretty goo neigh-borhood.
You give them detention.
... when he noticed that every shoot growing put of the ground was a four leaf shamrock. There were millions of them, spread out along both banks.
Being superstitious, the man assumed the place must be somehow imbued with an extraordinary amount of luck.
He sought out the owner of the land, and promptly bought it, spending everything he had to do so.
His plan was to build a small house at the site and thereby ensure he would be surrounded by good fortune for the rest of his life.
Sadly, while lifting smooth river stones to create the foundation of his dream home, he slipped on some mud, hit his head on a stone, was knocked unconscious, tumbled into the water, and drowned.
This conclusively proved to the townsfolk, that the location was not lucky at all.
The moral of this story?
Don't judge a brook by it's clover.
So I'm visiting home in Chicago, and my father took my daughter and I to the zoo. We're at the lion habitat and my dad says to my daughter:
"Hey, you know what that lion is doing? He's just lion around!"
And not 2 seconds later I hear another dad tell his kids:
"Hey! The lion just jumped! Haha no, I'm lion."
Immediately after another dad to his kids:
"You know you can't trust lions, because they're always lion to ya!"
Please send help
“B” cause it’s surrounded by A/C.
So they attempted a coo
Sometimes you just have to read between felines
He said to his sons “You two take the north and south side properties” . And to his daughters he said “ you two can have the downtown and riverfront properties”. He then suddenly died. The nurse said to the children “I’m so sorry for your loss, I had no idea your father was such a wealthy man!” His son said “wealthy?! That’s his paper route!”
Moatzarella.
Subwoofers.
It's called 'I'm a Bar Bee Grill in a Bar Bee Whirl'
over a mediocre one
I don’t know why, it’s a mist tree to me.
Because Missouri loves company!
The sound from a pigeon does not, because a coo sticks.
The reason is a coo sticks.
