Now is definitely not the right time to start surrounding yourself with positive people.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_simplepotato_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
🚨︎ report
A hole was discovered in the fence surrounding the local nudist colony

Authorities are looking into it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/flippantteacup
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
🚨︎ report
An avalanche has started on Mount Everest that threatens to wipe out 20% of its surrounding area.

This is snow joke.

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/a9lex
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Breaking News: Last night someone drilled a hole into the fence surrounding the local nudist colony.

Police are looking into it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MisterCrispy
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
🚨︎ report
An English lady, while vacationing in Switzerland, fell in love with a small town and the surrounding countryside.

She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to make her final preparations to move to Switzerland.

When she arrived back home, the thought occurred to her that she had not seen a β€œW.C.” in the room or even down the hall. (A W.C. is short for β€œwater closet” and is what the English call a toilet.) So she immediately emailed the pastor to ask him where the β€œW.C.” is located.

The Swiss pastor had never heard of a β€œW.C.,” and so he Googled the abbreviation and found an article titled β€œWayside Chapels.” Thinking that the English lady was asking about a country church to attend near her new home, the pastor responded as follows:

Ms. Smith,

I look forward to your move. Regarding your question about the location of the W.C., the closest W.C. is situated only two miles from the room you have rented, in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees. The W.C. has aΒ maximum occupancy of 229 people, but not that many people usually go on weekdays. I suggest youΒ plan to go on Thursday evenings when there is a sing-along. The acoustics are remarkable and the happy sounds of so many people echo throughout the W.C.

Sunday mornings are extremely crowded. The locals tend to arrive early and many bring their lunches to make a day of it. Those who arrive just in time can usually be squeezed into the W.C. before things start, but not always. Best to go early if you can!

It may interest you to know that my own daughter was married in the W.C. and it was there that she met her husband. I remember how everyone crowded in to sit close to the bride and groom. There were two people to a seat ordinarily occupied by one, but our friends and family were happy to share. Β I will admit that my wife and I felt particularly relieved when it was over. We were truly wiped out.

Because of my responsibilities in town, I can’t go as often as I used to. In fact, I haven’t been in well over a year. I can tell you I really miss regularly going to the W.C. Let’s plan on going together for your first visit. I can reserve us seats where you will be seen by all.

Sincerely,

Pastor Kurt Meier

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I don't get all the excitement surrounding Nintendo's new product announcement...

My house is full of light switches!

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/quakesand
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2019
🚨︎ report
In college, I took many classes on the study of past events surrounding scraps of food from a meal

I even changed my major to Ort History!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Once considered to be holding funerals near a dead crow, now evidence indicates that crows may be examining the body and surrounding area for potential threats to the flock.

It's a murder investigation.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2018
🚨︎ report
Why does Missouri have the most surrounding states?

Because Missouri loves company :)

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TexasSheetCake
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2013
🚨︎ report
Why do cemeteries have fences surrounding them?

Because people are dying to get in!

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ImperiusLance
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2017
🚨︎ report
The back-up camera in my car always shows the message, "Check your surroundings for Safety".

I always check, but haven't seen safety yet.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MarcusB4588
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2017
🚨︎ report
I asked my dad if he had heard about the conspiracy theories surrounding the Denver Airport...this was his response.

My dad was picking me up at the airport yesterday. I had just flown in from Denver. After reading an article on reddit, I paid more attention to the apocalyptic artwork around the airport, and decided to ask my dad if he had heard of any conspiracy theories.

DAD: Wouldn't surprise me if that were true, what with all the scandal surrounding Mayor PeΓ±a.
ME: Who was that?
DAD: He was the mayor of Denver for a long time. They named the street PeΓ±a Boulevard after him even! It's crazy. I heard they even wanted to name town hall after him.
ME: But they didn't because of a scandal...?
DAD: Nah. They just felt weird naming it the "Hall of PeΓ±a". Get it, JalapeΓ±o?
ME: ...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/littlesunnymay
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2013
🚨︎ report
To catch a polar bear you surround a hole in the ice with peas

Then, when he goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JosephsMythJr
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Pretend you are on a raft in the middle of the ocean surrounded by sharks. You only have a one day supply of water and a harpoon. What do you do?

Stop pretending.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/youthfulcomrade
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
How to Catch a Polar Bear: 1)Find a frozen lake 2)Dig a hole in the ice 3)Surround the hole with frozen peas 4)Hide nearby.

When the bear stops to take a pea, kick it in the ice hole!

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/banditk77
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
🚨︎ report
While taking a tour of a college campus, the tour guide mentioned that the school was surrounded by three different cemeteries.

Tour guide: And did you know that if you live across from a cemetery, you can’t be buried there?

Me: What?? Why not?

Tour guide: Because you’re still alive!

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lind-zayy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend saw I was upset the other day and he said "It could be worse. You could be an irrigated hole in the ground surrounded by brick work that people use to get water"

It didn't help, but I knew he meant well

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HarryGoLocky
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife told me we didn’t need the surround system for our living room I bought...

I told her it was a Sound Investment.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PrivateRyGy
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s the coolest letter?

β€œB” cause it’s surrounded by A/C.

πŸ‘︎ 161
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TugBoatAugust
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
The sound from a musician on stage bounces off the auditorium walls to surround the audience. The sound from a pigeon on stage does not do this.

The reason is a coo sticks.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CarlosMingos22
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My jackass husband just hit me with this one. Pretend you are on a boat surrounded by sharks. How do you survive?

You stop pretending.

πŸ‘︎ 210
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thehornyghost
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2019
🚨︎ report
What was it like being surrounded by all those guards and prisoners?

Well there were pros and cons.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alienacean
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you do when you're surrounded by a school of sharks?

You give them detention.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Duccnator
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2019
🚨︎ report
I just moved to a new house surrounded by horse farms...

It's a pretty goo neigh-borhood.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Portrait of A Young Dad as an Artist [OC]

In the Alpine mountains of Switzerland, a young carpenter has just learned that his wife is with child.

Looking for advice, he consults his own father, to better prepare for fatherhood. The old man tells him, ''You should build something to await the arrival of the child. Something which will have your purest thoughts, your kindest emotions encapsulated within, to gift to the child when it is born. ''

On the way atop the mountains, the young man gets an idea forming within his head, whilst walking past a field with horses about. He will build a small wooden race horse on wheels, for the child to ride around in.

He spends hours, tirelessly carving, polishing, measuring, until nine months later, the child is born. The man's life is suddenly filled with intense joy, and he forgets about his gift for a little while. That is, until his son begins to take his first steps, and his balance becomes more assured. The carpenter decides to take the wooden horse out of his workshop, and gift it to his son. The son, is instantly magnetized by the toy, and instinctively learns how to ride it forth, and about the house.

With time, the child grows up strong, smarter every day. With age, he began neglecting the wooden horse, and soon, his mother had tucked it away, as a keepsake into the attic of the house.
A few decades pass, and the child has become a man. He followed up in his father's footsteps, in some ways, and in others he varied. He went on to study the Arts in Zurich, but still chose to work with wood, like his father did.

His sculptures became famous, as he managed to catalyze the aesthetic, literary and artistic movements of the time. His first exposition came, and he stood there, proud, in this artistic intelligentsia coffee house, surrounded by cigar smoke, thinking of his dad, who had since passed.

Suddenly, a man sporting a cigarette perched atop fine lips, approached him, and asked inquisitively in Swiss German, but with an undeniably thick French accent.

''Are you an artist?''

''Non, but my Dada ist.''

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Two friends Bob and Frank are lost in the jungle when they are surrounded by a group of blood thirsty cannibals.

They are surrounded by dozens of the fierce blood thirsty warriors armed with clubs and spears. The leader of the warriors approaches the two friends and informs them they are trespassing on sacred land and unless they can prove they are descendants of the Gods they will be killed and eaten.

Bob and Frank realize they have little choice but agree they will attempt any test to try to save their lives.

The chief warrior brings them a bowl full of angry fire ants and drops one small seed into the bowl. He informs them they must put their lips in the bowl and suck as hard as they can. If they manage to suck up only the seed without sucking up an ant then the tribe would know they must be sent from the Gods.

Bob looks wearily at Frank but knowing they have no other options he puts his lips in the bowl and sucks hard. He immediately gets a mouth full of ants and screams in pain as they bite away at the inside of his mouth. Frank now even more nervous takes his turn and to his dismay also receives a nasty mouthful of the viscous buggers.

The warriors leap to their feet and surround the friends, β€œNow you must die” declares the chieftain. Just as the first spear is raised to Franks throat he screams β€œTria-Gan!” The warriors stop dead in their tracks. β€œWhat did you say” asked the chief. β€œTria-Gan” yelled frank again. Immediately the chief and his warriors turned and fled into the forest.

β€œHoly shit” said Bob β€œWhat did you just say and how did you know it would work?”

β€œWell” said Frank, β€œmy Mother always told me if at first you don’t suck seed try Tria-Gan.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/usernamemispeled
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm surrounded by dad jokes

So I'm visiting home in Chicago, and my father took my daughter and I to the zoo. We're at the lion habitat and my dad says to my daughter:

"Hey, you know what that lion is doing? He's just lion around!"

And not 2 seconds later I hear another dad tell his kids:

"Hey! The lion just jumped! Haha no, I'm lion."

Immediately after another dad to his kids:

"You know you can't trust lions, because they're always lion to ya!"

Please send help

πŸ‘︎ 79
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thexthy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2018
🚨︎ report
I was surrounded by pigeons in the park that wanted to over throw my sandwich

So they attempted a coo

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2019
🚨︎ report
A man lying on his death bed surrounded by his children...

He said to his sons β€œYou two take the north and south side properties” . And to his daughters he said β€œ you two can have the downtown and riverfront properties”. He then suddenly died. The nurse said to the children β€œI’m so sorry for your loss, I had no idea your father was such a wealthy man!” His son said β€œwealthy?! That’s his paper route!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nfarfaglia
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
🚨︎ report
This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?

Moatzarella.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirFancii
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Joke I came up with today

So this surgeon always posts pictures of the masks he wears during his surgery on Instagram. He does this every single time he has a surgery, and his nurses can never understand why. Eventually, he garners a massive following on Instagram. So, he goes into his supervisor's room, and he says, "Hello, it's a pleasure to see you". The supervisor says, "To what do I owe the pleasure?" The surgeon says, "Well, my Instagram business is really taking off. I think it would be better for me to quit being a surgeon and focus on Instagram full time". The supervisor thinks he's a little crazy but decides to let him do what he wants. The former surgeon now goes and buys as many masks as he can to sustain his Instagram account. Eventually, he becomes so wealthy that he is able to buy all these lavish things and not have to worry about economic failure. However, one day, he decides to begin posting pictures of medical needles on his Instagram account instead of masks at about the same time that he gets a horrible sickness that is almost always fatal. Because he posts pictures of masks now, his account begins failing, and even though he tries to save it, he's unable. He no longer has any money to treat the illness and is on his deathbed. His entire family is surrounding him, and his father leans in to hug him. As this happens, the ex-surgeon says in a weak voice, "Dad, where did I go wrong?" The dad, with tears in his eyes, seeing what his son has been reduced to and sadly knowing his dear son's death is imminent says, "You post syringe, you lose subscriber"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TwoPolesGaming
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a dog with a surround sound system?

Subwoofers.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Keychain33
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend's cats constantly surround her. She can't even get a moment's peace to read a book.

Sometimes you just have to read between felines

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kevincredible22
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2017
🚨︎ report
When you get it, you'll be shocked
πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/i_like_miniwheats
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2020
🚨︎ report
When I set up my living room surround sound I decided to hire a sound technician

over a mediocre one

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sukarsono
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2019
🚨︎ report
A grill owned by a bee from a local bar was surrounded by a swarm of other bees who also frequented the bar The grill later released a single about that moment

It's called 'I'm a Bar Bee Grill in a Bar Bee Whirl'

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rannak
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2018
🚨︎ report
C-c-combo
πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/matbiz01
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2020
🚨︎ report
There’s a willow by our pond that’s always surrounded by fog.

I don’t know why, it’s a mist tree to me.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigfoothobbit
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2018
🚨︎ report
What did the plus sign say when it was surrounded by 4's?

"I eight when this happens"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GirlsUsedToDissMe
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call clowns having a convention and surrounded by mountains?

SillyCon Valley

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aparks1437
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2018
🚨︎ report
Seriously that's a lot of pussy for one guy
πŸ‘︎ 376
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zach2072
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2019
🚨︎ report
I had a dream last night. I was surrounded by an orange ocean, but it was just a fanta-sea.
πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/carlover2k20
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2016
🚨︎ report
A hearse is driving up a very steep street

A hearse is driving up a very steep street and once it gets near the top, the back door opens up and the coffin comes shooting out of the hearse and rolls down the street.

People are diving out of the way, cars are swerving, it’s chaos! By the time it reaches the bottom of the hill it has picked up a lot of speed and crashes into a wall surrounded by people.

The door pops open, the body sits up and says β€œDo you have anything to stop this coughin?”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/countryroads8484
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
🚨︎ report
A pun walks into a bar, ten people die on the spot.

Pun in, ten dead

Edit: The police quickly arrived at the scene, surrounding the bar. The pun was trapped in the bar but it decided to hold on and have a shoot out with the police instead of surrendering. Sadly, the pun was shot. He was pun out dead at the scene.

Edit: Nobody attended the puns funeral, they all at ten ded.

-Mic drop-

Edit: Wasn’t that a killer pun?

Edit: Unfortunately I told about 10 puns before this one. Did any of them land? No. No pun in ten did.

(Credit To killsforsporks and TLo137 for the last 2 edits)

πŸ‘︎ 494
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fanthom12
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Pretend you are on a raft in the middle of the ocean surrounded by sharks. You only have a one day supply of water and a harpoon. What do you do?

Stop pretending.

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hibdob
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2019
🚨︎ report
What is the coolest letter in the alphabet?

B because it is surrounded by A C.

πŸ‘︎ 169
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sayt2005
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2019
🚨︎ report

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