A car company tried to make a submarine, but it kept surfacing too quickley

The crew got the Mercedes-Bends

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AmethystMonkey
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Reports of a new haunted bakery are surfacing

Customers report the bakery is giving them the crepes.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kevingcp
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2016
🚨︎ report
Why can’t you do Schrodinger’s experiment on the surface of Mars?

Because Curiosity killed the cat.

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2021
🚨︎ report
I was midway between the bow and the stern of my 120 foot yacht when suddenly I was surrounded by submarines that just surfaced...

I was amidship man.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
🚨︎ report
This next joke is about automotive aerodynamic surfaces...

SPOLIER ALERT!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sludgemonkey01
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
🚨︎ report
We must create artistic compositions made of various materials glued on a surface for my Art 419 class project...

I guess I'll give it the old collage try.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Question: How does the insulin organ maximise surface area?

It has a lot of pan-creases.

Sorry.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dunnonauker
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I got tired trying to think of a good posting title for this one.
πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My son did not watch were he was going and slammed faced down on hard surface

It was his own asphalt

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PLUMBUM2
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
🚨︎ report
About bill and melinda

So, Bill and Melinda Gates are getting a divorce She gets the house and He gets the Windows!

According to Melinda Gates, Bill just didn't Excel at his marriage. Apparently he had no Power Points while arguing, but he always had to have the last Word And now that he no longer had Access to her heart, the Outlook was not looking good for them. They couldn’t work together as Teams On the Surface they were a perfect couple, but deep down there was hardly any Kinect. He kept everything hidden like an X-Box and she never found it re- Azuring. The main reason she divorced Bill Gates because he was in Office365 days.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sq009
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2021
🚨︎ report
I was a little shocked to find out that Bill and Melinda Gates are divorcing.

They seemed so happy..on the Surface.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2021
🚨︎ report
I bought a new-build house!

When I walked in the place was great, everything was perfect apart from the kitchen. There were gas mains but no cooker! Work surfaces and water pipes, but no sink; empty plugs and spaces for where the fridge and freezer should sit.

When I bought the house I was told it was fully furnished! Furious, I called up intending to give whomever answered an earful.

I was told that everything should be arriving individually, and the house is being used as an experiment for completely autonomous, self thinking kitchen appliances!

Before I could reply there was a knock on the door. I opened it and a stove strolled in, tilted forward in a bow, slid past me and set itself into its spot! Even attaching itself to the gas mains!

Later that day another knock at the door signalled the arrival of the fridge and freezer.(who had travelled together) They bowed and sat themselves perfectly in place in my new kitchen. I was beaming!

That evening I was explaining to my wife how the appliances had arrived, when came another knock at the door. β€œThis technology is going to change the world, I swear it!” I told her. β€œCan you answer the door? I’ve been on my feet all day”

β€œYeah,” she replied, less enthusiastic than I,β€œbut it’ll get to a point when humans are completely inferior.” She explained β€œWhen these machines develop such sentience, what’s stopping them from overthrowing us?” β€œTreating us as slaves, like we to them now?” She asked, distraught at theses ideas.

Knock knock

β€œIt’s best not to worry about these things,” I said in an attempt to alleviate her fears.

β€œThere are people- professionals developing contingencies for any possible future robot uprising!” β€œThat future you’re frightened about is purely science fiction right now, and the way our collective knowledge and application of technology has advanced, (Even in the past 50 years!) our own scientists and engineers will be able to crush any worries we may have when the time comes.” I explained.

She sighed, agreeing somewhat reluctantly. β€œDon’t think on it now, have some faith!” I told her.

Knock knock

β€œNow let that sink in!”

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/olemonheado
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
🚨︎ report
A cat that is naturally good at navigating kitchen surfaces is counter intuitive.
πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bargeral
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
🚨︎ report
What would’ve happen if the Apollo astronauts stayed on the lunar surface for too long?

They would’ve been lunatics.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ReineDeTaBite
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
🚨︎ report
The guy who created the sign CAUTION HOT SURFACE in braille...

was an evil genius.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2020
🚨︎ report
The invention of the shovel was just touching the surface of what today's is groundbreaking technology can achieve.
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ing_die
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Reviewers weren’t very kind to the new Surface Pro X.

It’s a fanless device.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/geometer2015
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2020
🚨︎ report
The priest always skims through the bible on surface

Because the devil is in the details

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyjarvis
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I've been thinking about manufacturing kitchen surfaces...

...but it seems counterproductive

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/confibulator
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you calculate the surface area of a cephalopod?

Using octoPi

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/carlitos_segway
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Someone stole my through-hole printed circuit board components and replaced them with surface mount. The police investigated..

But there are no leads.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PdSales
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
🚨︎ report
After he installs the new granite surfaces in your kitchen, does the Cabinet Maker hand you

a counter fit bill?

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/slowshot
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2017
🚨︎ report
NASA’s new rover, Insight, is supposed to tell us about Mars’ soil composition and about what’s underneath the surface of Mars..

So technically, Insight’s purpose is to give us insight about what’s not IN SIGHT

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RLU763
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2018
🚨︎ report
You scratch the surface when you make a homemade chicken pot pie.
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhiteWalterBlack
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Thin soup
πŸ‘︎ 309
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πŸ‘€︎ u/markrakosfalvy
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Why couldn’t the submarine commander get to the surface after joining Reddit?

He couldn’t get any up-boats

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GotMyOrangeCrush
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Someone broke into the hardware store and stole all hardened steel tools cutting ridges for forming or smoothing surfaces...

All the files were deleted.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...

...counter productive.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/slowshot
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
🚨︎ report
A man came in my tech repair shop complaining his nail had damaged his windows laptop and was concerned it wouldn't work anymore

I told him not to worry- he's only scratched the surface

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Too late I realized the new jar of discount mayonnaise felt light. When I opened it up the pristine surface collapsed into a large air pocket.

Yes it was a sinkhole de mayo.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JazzboTN
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2018
🚨︎ report
My last relationship ended because I didn't open the car door for her...

Instead I swam up to the surface.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I got a new tablet computer but I'm nervous every time I use it.

I guess you could say I have Surface tension.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/commentonthat
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
When I dropped my top-of-the-line Microsoft laptop on the asphalt, I figured it was ruined

Turns out I had barely scratched the Surface.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
If the Internet had a boat, where would they park it?

In Google Docs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrFabulousXD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2020
🚨︎ report
The surface of the Earth has a curvature. The surface of Poland...

...has a kurwature.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thefizzynator
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2016
🚨︎ report
I've had to sit through 4 classes about surface tension so far!

It's getting a little over the top.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jack_fergusson5
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2017
🚨︎ report
The surface of Mars looks identical to the Nevada desert. There's only one explanation.

NASA faked the state of Nevada.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2016
🚨︎ report
You know how when you put your ear on a hard surface, everything is super loud? Whenever I do it, i immediately need to run to the toilet.

Seems like i have a really bad case of earontable bowel syndrome

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ganders81
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2017
🚨︎ report
My wife told me she'd leave me if I don't stop making Microsoft puns, and I need some advice

I immediately left my Office and tried explaining myself. Sure, on the Surface I do it often, but I think it Works. It's not just about Word play, either; my Outlook on life helps me Excel. She and I have such a great Team Foundation, I Azure you. I wanted to Exchange my thoughts with her, so we could work with OneDrive. I looked her right in the Windows of her soul, to Access the deepest parts of her heart, and told her I loved her. Completely on Edge, I awaited her answer...

PowerPoint of the story is: does anyone know of a good divorce lawyer?

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Wonder no more !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualisticbird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow." "Freeze a jolly good fellow."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Microsoft's tablet sales have nosedived.

Turns out nobody wants to touch unfamiliar Surfaces during the pandemic.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/karmaniak
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Just another viral rant.

All right reddit, I have to get this off my chest. I’m absolutely SICK of this pandemic. Everywhere I go, I’m constantly being PESTERED to wipe down surfaces and sanitize my hands. It’s a complete infestation of my personal space!

Let’s face it, our ailing democratic rights have taken a huge hit. And this is a symptom of a larger problem. Namely, our ruling class seems totally impaired! We are being totally ill-informed by people who claim they know everything about this disease.

For example, this whole situation has been plagued with problems since the beginning! It’s a scourge on what’s left of humanity.

So I say, it’s time to break out of the shackles and seize our lives back! We need to combat this virus that flew around the world with everything we’ve got. Because this lock down is bugging the hell out of me! This is a cold call to do your part. The health of our society depends on it!

Happy quarantine, everyone!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/daloonik
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call the pressure Microsoft is under to compete with iPad?

Surface Tension

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TennisADHD
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I dad joked a room of 200 teenagers...

My job involves me giving presentations to large groups of teenagers. Today, I was telling them about different workshops we have on offer, including African drumming and DJ workshops.

So I said - 'I'd love to tell you a bit more about the DJ workshops, but I'd barely scratch the surface.'

Ever seen 200 teenagers groan and roll their eyes? Glorious :D

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/London_Pride
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2017
🚨︎ report
I recently replaced the surfaces in our kitchen to surprise my wife...

...and I used the cheap stuff, but it looked real, so I thought maybe it'd fool her.

No such luck. My wife is so "counter-intuitive" due to her high "counter-intelligence" that it didn't matter how "counter-productive" I'd been, she took one look at it and just knew. So instead of taking it for "granite," she threw a "counter-fit."

(Proud dad. All the jokes in this subreddit sound like ones I would make...)

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JustinJamm
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2013
🚨︎ report
How do flat-earthers travel the world?

On a plane!

πŸ‘︎ 426
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mattellis77
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2017
🚨︎ report

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