I always believed that 'sticks and stones would break my bones, but words would never hurt me.'
Until I fell into a printing press.
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick
She still isn't talking to me
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face".
Last week, someone went into my garage and stole my limbo stick
Like seriously, how low can you go?
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
I'll stick to my ribs
A woman walked into the kitchen one day and saw, much to her horror, her husband sitting at the table with blood all over most of his face, his chest, hands, arm, and on the table. She watched for a moment, shocked, as he began pouring barbeque sauce on his arm where most of the blood was coming from.
"Stop that! What are you doing!? What happened to your arm?!" She finally managed to scream as she unjammed all the words trying to flow out at once.
Her husband looked at her with a disgusted frown and a shake of his head and replied "I've made a terrible me-steak"
What do you call birds that stick together?
What sticks up when you turn it on?
Why did the little walnut stick money to his feet?
Because he really wanted to be a cash-shoe.
WD40 could be called "Lubrican", but the name won't stick.
I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of chap stick this morning.
She's still not speaking to me.
A man was killed with only a stick of deodorant
It was the first Degree murder
Just heard some pretty sad news about yard sticks
Did you know they aren't making yard sticks any longer?
Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet
He was looking for Pooh
Old I know...
When I was young, my parents used to buy all my sports gear but now that I’m an adult I figured I should splurge and buy myself a nice hockey stick. When I went looking at the store I realized that my parents would only buy me low quality, inexpensive sticks to save money.
Cheapskates!........cheap helmets, cheap gloves...
Why is a wooden USB stick worthless?
Because it's all bark and no byte.
Why do beginner artist always forget to draw the stick figure’s thumb when they draw a fist?
They forgot the punchline
My dog has been chewing on sticks when let her outside.
Now she barks out of both ends.
Chicken on a stick is called chicken skewers. Pork on a stick is a pork skewers. What do you call a horse on a stick?
What’s the difference between a piano, tuna, and a glue stick?
You can tuna piano but you can’t piano a tuna
***Credit to my physics teacher for this joke
I've got a great offer on Pritt Stick for celiacs...
Buy nine glues, get gluten free...
don't stick your finger in crazy
The second meme I've ever made. Not sure if I should stick with it.
Why did the bank hire a dog that collects sticks?
They needed a new branch manager.
What do you call a rodent that fetches sticks?
I once tied my dog’s stick to a balloon, he brought it back from several miles away...
I know, it sounds a bit far-fetched.
The other night I tried to kill a vampire with a really big pointy stick, but my aim was terrible.
It was a giant missed stake.
What kind of crows always stick together...
I didn’t think 2020 could get any worse, but someone stole my limbo stick
I mean how low could they go?
I was teaching my 12 year old daughter how to mow the lawn. “You need to pick either up and down or right and left, and then stick to it,” I told her. “Do you mow the whole yard in one direction.”
“Why?” she asked.
“Because that’s what makes it beautiful.”
Oh, the eye roll on this kid.
I'm never using stick deodorant again...
The instructions said " remove cap and push up bottom"
I can hardly walk.
What’s the difference between a fish, a piano, and a stick of glue?
You can’t tuna fish!
“What about the glue?”
I knew you’d get stuck on that!
Friends who always stick around
I was reminded of the time’s when I was a child the other day. My dad is to stick us in tires and roll us down the hills in the back yard....
Those were the GOODYEARS.
I purchased a deodorant stick today. Instructions say, "remove cap and push up bottom."
I can hardly walk, but when I fart the room smells lovely. Credit: https://pun.me/pages/dad-jokes.php
I need a walking stick, and fast.
A friend of mine claims he can throw a stick 5 miles and his pet dog will retrieve it.
I think that's a bit far fetched.
Dad: Hey kids, did you hear about that crazy lady who got breast implants full of twigs and sticks?
Me: ...no, why? Is another one of your stupid jokes again?
Dad: No, no, no. I read it on my Yahoos and thought it was weird.
Me: Oh... yeah, that is weird I guess.
Dad: It would've been funny if that joke had a punchline, wooden tit?
Me: Dad, no.
What do you call birds that stick together?
Ugh. My garage was broken into and someone stole my Limbo Stick.
Seriously now, how low can you go?
Someone broke into my garage last night and stole my limbo stick!
How could they go so low?
So I heard they are not making yard sticks any longer.
Just 3 feet and no longer.
I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick.
She still isn't talking to me
Can't believe someone broke into my garage and stole the limbo stick...
Seriously, how low can you go?
I can't believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick.
Seriously, how low can you go?
I can’t believe somebody broke into our garage and stole our limbo stick?
Seriously, how low can you go?
Someone broke into my garage and stole the limbo stick
Like Seriously, how low can you go?
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