I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
"this is the weigh."
I hope he doesn't take a fence.
Elephino
I was amidship man.
...sails are going through the roof.
..out of his ass?
A woolly jumper
His dad looked himself up and down and sternly and confidently replied
"I'm wearing a shirt, son."
True story, my soul left my body.
Hopefully the new diet prescribed by his doctor will lower his blood pressure.
The deer was quite fast and maintained about 2 minutes distance from the lion.
After running for about 10 minutes, the deer reaches a pond with a path to the left and a path to the right.
The deer is about to run right when he notices a hippopotamus staring at him. He hastily tells him,"bro, please don't tell the lion that I am going to the right."
The hippopotamus nods in agreement and the deer runs towards the path on the right.
After 2 minutes, the lion reaches the same pond, looks to the path on the left then the right. Perplexed, he sees the hippopotamus staring at him from the pond.
He asks him sternly,"yo,which way did the deer go?" Instantly the hippopotamus replies "he went to the right."
Why does he answer truthfully even though the deer requested him to not do so?
because hips don't lie.
Putting the small boy in the waiting chair. He sat down and ordered the full-works: haircut, shave, scalp massage.
Via the mirror he kept an eye on the boy and each time the lad showed any sign of moving, he said sternly "Stay there, now."
When he was finished, he stood up and motioned the boy into the barbers chair. "I'll be right back," he said to the barber. "There's just something I have to get in the shop next door."
The barber got on with the boy's haircut, but the man did not reappear. When the haircut was complete, the barber said: "Your dad's being a long time."
"He's not my dad" said the boy. "Who is he then?" asked the barber. "He's just a man who came up to me and said, "Hey, do you want a free haircut?"
It’s days are numbered
Some background, this man never makes jokes and never laughs. I'm doing some car work and he calls me and I go with 'Hey I'll call you later' he replies 'Don't call me later, call me grandpa' didn't even laugh just made the joke then hung up.
Nevermind, I said in a stern voice. After a moment of silence she asked me if I had a bad day (hesitation in her voice). I asked Google to start playing the album.
I only perform on the Queen Mary.
After he explodes his hand I look down at my still clenched fist. I slowly raise it near my ear confused and shake it. I then explode it in my face almost knocking me off me feet. I look at him sternly and say, "You could have killed me."
...and that’s why the management at Williams Sonoma sternly but politely asked me to leave and never return.
My mother would have put the "stern" in sternutation.
He was making a stern fry.
I yelled back: Well why do you keep throwing them away?
I got a very stern look.
I was pulling up to Walmart yesterday evening for a call. As I'm going in the store there is a lady walking out with some items in her hands. In one hand she has like 4 bags of stuff and in the other arm she is carrying a large bag of Fresh Step cat litter. Anyway as we're about to pass each other, she fumbles the bag of Fresh Step, drops it and the bag bursts open...cat litter goes everywhere.
Without missing a beat I looked her straight in the eye, pointed to the ground and said sternly, "Ma'am, there's no littering here." She looked like she was about to cry and then just burst out laughing. I helped her pick up the bag and bring it back in the store so she could get a new one. She couldn't stop laughing the entire time.
The dad splits up from the boys in the morning, leaving them the task of getting food for the day.
The boys chance upon a patch full of peas - they have enough for all three meals and to pelt each other with.
Reuniting at the end of the day, the dad asks how it went.
“We played with each other’s peas!” The little one chimes in.
Just a little displeased, dad asks him sternly to clarify.
“We gathered peas, he meant.” Added the middle boy.
“Okay, and what did you have for breakfast?”
“Pea soup.”
“Lunch?”
“Pea soup.”
The boys started sniggering.
“What’s so funny? And what about dinner?”
“Nothing dad. We had pea soup too.”
“Well, that doesn’t seem like much. What did you do all evening?”
Bursting out laughing, they all said:
“Pee soup.”
Was at my friends cabin helping him ready the boat to go out on the lake. Friend: "Looks like we're in good shape" Me: "Yeah, ship shape"
He was not amused.
... I had to give them a stern warning.
Imagine if Sirius got married and has a kid and they were arguing and his kid was like 'Are you serious?' and he's be so torn. What dad joke does he make? 'Why yes I am Sirius' or 'No I'm not serius, I am dad'. Which one? Which one would he make?
I found this on the internet today and it was too funny not to share.
Ariha ( daughter 4 yrs) : which company do u work for daddy?
Me: Apple
Ariha [sternly]: Daddyyeee, stop selling fruits !!
I almost cried 😭
I heard about a man who was obsessed with houseplants. His wife got to the point that she couldn't deal with them all over the house so she had him move all of his plants to the entryway. Now that the plants were consolidated it was much easier to move about the house, but he kept adding plants to their entryway until it was impossible to leave the house.
His wife finally had enough and tried to clear them out herself but they were all intertwined and she was unable to hack through the forest that now occupied their entryway. Desperate, she called a family friend, a forester with the National Park Service, who came and cleared out the veritable jungle while the man who had raised the plants looked on in dismay.
Just before leaving, the forester turned to the man and spoke sternly: "Only you can prevent forest foyers."
They were stern orders.
He said, "Dad, the fish just aint biting here, can't we go out a little further?"
I looked sternly at him and responded, "Son, catching fish in deep waters is eel-advised."
I was raised homeschooled. As a result of this up bringing, I went to many different places to learn things.
One day we went to a farm, and this farm just so happened to have a bee keeper working on it. So I naturally struck up a conversation with the fine man, asking him questions about what he did, and how he liked his job.
Little did I know some time had passed and it was time to go. My mother had called to me from behind my back saying it was time to leave, but I didn’t pay her any attention. Then, in a stern tone, she called to me again from behind that it was time to go.
Then I saw her face, now I’m a bee leaver. Not a trace, of doubt in my mind.
When I was a young boy, I was playing in my front yard with my brother. A man in a van pulled up and asked us to help him find his puppy. My brother, being older and wiser, ran inside. I, however, fell for the prank and hopped in the van, eager to find the dog. The man became hostile and I quickly realized he was kidnapping me. I had to think fast. I was panicking.
"I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" I shouted loudly.
The man was unhappy, but took us to a gas station so that I could go. He grabbed my arm and looked me in the eyes and sternly said "If you're up to anything, I'll kill you! Don't say anything to anybody. You better come right back!"
I went into the bathroom and looked around. A window! I quickly scrambled on top of the toilet and popped the window open. I hauled myself up to the opening and began to pull myself out and to freedom when a hand grabbed my foot! It was the man! He began pulling my leg...
Just like I'm pulling yours.
My friend and I were having a conversation about his career, he said that Uranus was beginning to collapse on itself due to the magnetic and gravitational fields.
Being immature I laughed, he replied with a stern face "I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation."
I put my goods on the counter and he rings them up. He proceeds to tell me that the total is seven eleven ($7.11). I look at him sternly and reply, "no, this is Chevron". He wasn't nearly as amused as I was.
Our eldest son is not a very enthusiastic eater. He picks at his food and ends up usually not eating much, to the frustration of his parents. Anyhow, it was the usual tonight and I got a little frustrated. I gave a Dad-head turn coupled with a Dad-glare; sternly told him a Dad-reason to eat more; and topped it off with a Dad-joke...
"Don't balk at eating your chicken!" He laughed and took a bite.
After the trainer vowed she would leave no Stern untoned.
Little background: I was standing on a roughly-3' rock wall along a sidewalk/eating area on campus. My friend was sitting at a table next to this.
We were engaging in a lively discussion when a girl walks by and sternly asks; "Are you talking down to her?" - and starts laughing maniacally.
Having a solid appreciation for dad jokes, I laugh heartily too and gently whisper "be my dad?" as she walks away...
There are three classes of cheerios, the lower class (plain ol' cheerios), the middle class cheerios (frosted), and the elite class (honey nut). One soggy morning in Seattle, a plain cheerio awoke in his single room apartment. He looked out at the still sleepy city, blanketed in a mist of rain. He quickly got dressed and put his shoes on, this would be the day. He stood propped against the bus stop, smoking a cigarette. "God I have got to stop this habit." He thought to himself. Glancing back and forth at the bustle of cheerios, he saw her. She looked about 25, devastatingly gorgeous, and he could smell the honey from where he stood. "Excuse me ma'am," his voice quivered, "I - I think you might be the most beautiful cheerio I have ever seen." She smiled and her otherwise golden brown face grew red. " This is a long shot, but will you marry me?' She was obviously caught off guard by this, but her red lips formed the word, "Yes." They raced through the morning mist of the city, and arrived at her fathers house. The cheerio bent down in front of her father. "Sir, I would like to ask for your blessing in marrying your daughter" "No! You are a regular cheerio and my daughter needs a high quality honey nut" he snapped. "But sir." "No means no damnit!" "Sir this is very unrea-" "You come back a honey nut and you'll have my blessing, my daughter is not about to marry a low life like you." The cheerio sprinted home, tears streaming down his face. He fumbled against the lock and sprawled out on his bed. When he awoke it was early, his sheets had a dark silhouette from his wet jacket. He sat up and lit a cigarette. "Damn." he sighed to himself. Walking in front of his mirror, he noticed something different. His body was frosted! He had become a frosted cheerio! He darted out the door without shoes, reaching the honey nut household in no time at all. He banged on the door, and the beauty's father answered. "Sir I am a changed cheerio! I'm frosted!" he exclaimed. Her father had a stern look on his face. "You think you are any better? The dirt on my boots are worth more than you." he hissed. The old honey nut slammed the door on the young frosted. He heard the deadbolt click. The newly frosted cheerio didn't take the same way home. He stood on the edge of a bridge, feeling the cool autumn wind on his sugar coated skin. Was he really going to go through with this? Was it worth it? No he was a frosted cheerio now. He couldn't get the girl, but he was a changed cheerio. He
... keep reading on reddit ➡I took one of the chocolates without him noticing and placed it upon my head. I then turned to him with a very stern face and said "Dad i need to talk to you about something"
dad: "what son?"
me: "I am actually really afraid for my life"
dad: "what are you talking about?"
me: "i think someone has been payed to kill me"
dad: "what , why?"
me: "I guess you could say someone has" tilting head forward to reveal the chocolate "placed a bounty on my head"
He cried a little with laughter and said he missed having me around (he recently moved country with my mum) because mum dosn't make those kind of jokes. It was a beautiful father son bonding moment.
Three strings walk into a bar. The first string goes up to the bartender and says,
"Hello, I'd like a pitcher of beer and three frosty glasses for me and my buddies, please."
The bartender replies,
"Sorry pal, but we don't serve strings here."
Dejected, the first string returns to his friends and relays the transaction. The second string can't believe this, and walks swiftly up to the bartender and says,
"Hey, buddy. I need a pitcher of beer and three frosty glasses for me and my friends!"
The bartender sternly states,
"We don't serve strings here!" The second string returns to his friends, defeated. The third string looks at his pals and says,
"Guys, I got this."
He goes into the bathroom, unravels himself a little and tangles himself up a bit. He walks confidently up to the bartender and says with gusto,
"Bartender! You are going to give me and my friends a pitcher of your finest beer, and three frosty glasses, on the double!"
The bartender sighs and says,
"Like I told your buddies, WE DON'T SERVE STRINGS HERE."
The third string leans across the bar, chuckles, and says,
"String? I'm a frayed knot."
So I'm driving and at the traffic light, I accidentally rear-end someone. I sit there astonished, and then out from the car I hit comes a small guy. He says in a stern voice "I am not happy!" To which I reply: "Well, which one are you then?"
He'll say this while looking straight at me, with a stern look on his face. Frightened, I ask "What?" whilst trying to remember wear I did to piss him off so bad.
He holds his hand at ass-level, grins: "A flame about this high."
We were at breakfast, when my dad wanted to refill his OJ, and suddenly he yelled out:
"Hey, you! Pay some attention!"
Everyone at the table was somewhat confused. With a stern face, he pointed at the label on the OJ.
^^^it ^^^was ^^^unconcentrated
....okay dad...
Just got my co-worker with a doozy. They were out in the bay doing seagrass surveys when they came very close to stepping on a stingray. She was talking about the flashes of Steve Irwin's death going through her mind when I asked "you were wearing good sunscreen right?" "what?" she asked "sunscreen? Why?" "to protect you from harmful rays" I said with a smug look on my face.
She folded her arms and gave me a stern look. My boss and coworker could only shake their heads and laugh.
She said, "Ugh, there's something in my shoe."
"That's called your foot, dear."
Seeing someone stop dead in their tracks to give you a stern -_- face is so amazing...
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
