I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.
The jokes weren’t that good, but I liked the execution.
My brother can't stand people with missing toes
Does Caitlyn Jenner stand up on the subway?
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?
I went with my friend in med school to Disney World and he was getting antsy everytime we had to stand in line.
So I told him, "If you want to be a good doctor, you'll need more patients."
Did you hear about the owls stand up performance?
I stand corrected...
Said the man wearing orthopedic shoes.
(Boyfriend said this yesterday and I was so proud)
Every morning, I like to stand in front of a mirror and think about all the good things I've done.
It's just a moment of reflection.
Why do flamingos stand on one leg?
If they lifted up the other one, they’d fall over.
why does a bike need a kick stand?
because it's two-tired to stand on it's own
Why couldn't the seven days stand on their own?
Because they were 'week'.
I was involved in a one night stand that went horribly wrong...
We've been married 3 years now !!
If there’s one thing I can’t stand to do...
I retired from boxing to become a stand up comic
I had too many punchlines in my head
I can’t stand my daughter’s 🐍.
I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2.
I payed my $2 and the guy says “Once upon a time there was this lobster.”
If you're cold go and stand in the corner.
What’s the difference between a lousy trashy stand up comedian, and a father making jokes about pens?
One is bad at telling dick jokes, the other is dad at telling Bic jokes.
I tried to become a stand up comedian, but it turns out that I am more of a "sit down" comedian.
After every joke I told, someone kept yelling "sit down"!
You know what I can’t stand
Why did the meat cutter decide against a career in stand-up comedy?
He was afraid he would butcher all the jokes.
What does a robot do after a one night stand?
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
Why can't bicycles stand upright?
The sergeant asked the private to 'stand up straight'.
The private said, "That's a tall order, sir."
My wife texted, "I can't stand my mother."
So I replied, "Try laying her down."
What do you call someone who can't stand
Why do people in N/A stand in circles and hold hands???
Because they dont do Lines anymore.
My Himalayan friend has a cow that refuses to stand up.
I always see Himalayan there.
They tried to sack her, and she didn’t have a leg to stand on...
Do you know what Fe stands for?
I’ve asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for
So far no one has given me a straight answer
The only people to show up to my friend’s funeral were some of his one night stands and some friends from church.
Our plumber moonlights as a stand-up comedian.
He's a terrible plumber, but he really cracks me up.
I can't stand people without toes!
I guess that makes me lacktoes intolerant.
Why couldn’t the two melons stand each other?
They were attached to the same woman.
When I was single I had this one night stand
But then I got married and we bought a second night stand.
Kid: Why do you stand on one leg while you get money out of the ATM?
Dad: I’m checking my balance.
I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.
The jokes weren't that good ,but I liked the execution
My son can't stand people with missing toes...
Why can't a bicycle stand on its own?
It's because it's two tired.
Why can a bicycle stand on its own?
My bike won't stand on it's own.
Why do we stand up when we are cold?
What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand?
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