I think it’s so important to keep speeches short and meaningful, I just stand up and say plethora

It means a lot

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AWilfred11
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
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The most emotional part of my wedding wasn't the vows or the speeches - it was getting cake smashed in my face.

Really brought a tier to my eye.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlwaysTheNoob
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
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I've seen most of the speeches that the Pope has made and they always seem rather pompous.

He's always pontificating...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JeanLuc_Richard
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2020
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The person who proof-read Adolf Hitler’s speeches was a grammar nazi.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FreddyRafn
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2019
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What do politicians wear to give their agenda speeches?

Platform shoes!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2019
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If you were the editor of Hilter's speeches...

You'd be a grammar nazi...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/godricrandom
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2019
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Cowboy tames wild female horses with very, very long speeches.

A filly-buster.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigfoothobbit
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2017
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At what piece of furniture does the Silence of the Lambs villain deliver his speeches?

A Hannibal Lectern

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πŸ‘€︎ u/amishandroid
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2015
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I always dedicate my speeches to my dad, a roofer...

...so father, if you're up there, please listen to this.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/doc_internet
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2015
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Should've becareful of your speech
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DefNotInTheOven
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
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Ah, the classic bubble speech
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jerry-cherry
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
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The man stood up after a rousing speech, took a bow and marched out triumphantly.

He was protesting against violins in schools.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bttrflyr
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2021
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The second COVID vaccine causes a speech disorder in Spanish speakers

They keep asking for dose dos

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheJadedSF
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
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Who gave that boring speech, they asked. I admitted it was meh.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CatsCreepMeowt
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2021
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You know how Russia doesn’t like free speech.

They just won’t be Putin up with it!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordIggy88
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
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A child with a speech impediment is dressed as a pirate. A man asks what are you. He says he is a birate. You mean a pirate? Yes a birate. Oh well then where are your buccaneers?

On each side of my buckin head you buckin idiot!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/durangozac
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
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I was recording my wife’s speech at her parents’ 50th wedding anniversary, but my battery died halfway through.

Now I’ll never hear the end of it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
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At a conference there was the most courageous person who went by the name Sam. Before he got on the stage to deliver his impressive speech, all attendees begged him not to sing.

But Samsung anyway.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vapingpigeon94
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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I support free speech

Nobody should have to pay to talk.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zipped102
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
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HOT TAKE: burned the thit out of my mouth

I hate japaneth alcohol

^^^submitted ^^^with ^^^Google ^^^Speech ^^^to ^^^Text

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πŸ‘€︎ u/testing35
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2021
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My friend from Paris was the best man at the wedding of a Belgian waffle heir and a Swedish pancake tycoon, but wasn’t allowed to give a speech at the reception.

They knew he’d give a French toast, and they said it wasn’t worth the pain.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/i-kant_even
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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Did you see Trump's speech last night?

Apparently Nancy Pelosi thought it was tearable.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/marvin_sirius
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2020
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Today's the day I bring my Son to weekly speech therapy..

.. easier done than said.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
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Why is "dark" spelled with a K and not a C?

Because then it would be "darc"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vilateral
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
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My dad gave a speech at my big sisters wedding.

He had my sister put a hand in, her husband put his hand on top of hers, then she put her other hand over his, then his other hand over hers. Then he told her husband β€œThis is the last time you’ll ever have the upper hand”

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
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My friend asked me how the text-to-speech feature works on his phone, but I didn't bother explaining it to him.

It speaks for itself.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
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What do you call a PokΓ©mon with a speech impediment?

A Heliolisp

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bean_boi_2400
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
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Why is sign language more effective than regular speech?

Because actions speak louder than words.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GassyGhoul88
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
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VP Joe Biden announced he has hired a female amputee speech writer.

He said she would be really good at stump speeches.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/M4sterofD1saster
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
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Why wouldn’t bootleggers work with anyone who had a speech impediment?

It was too whiskey!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/skeewbsontwitch
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
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I was trying to emulate the Easter bunny.
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2020
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"Welcome back, everybody" is apparently not a good way to start your speech

if you're the best man at your buddy's second wedding.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
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Did you hear the Trump administration is thinking about making it illegal to sell pre-shredded cheese?

Apparently they want to make America grate again.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/smakattak
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
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What did Mike Bloomberg do after the speech on dropping out of the presidential race?

Mic drop

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyjarvis
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2020
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My father had a stroke last night. While he was in his bed in the ER with slurred speech and half his face paralyzed, the nurse comes in and asks, "So, what brings you here tonight?"

"The ambulance", he says.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigPapiC-Dog
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2018
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Had my best man speech for my best friends wedding yesterday and I finished with a great one

"Well this has been a really emotional day, gosh...even the wedding cake is in tiers." Got lots of heavy sighing, laughs and tons of boos....I was very happy with the reception

  • thanks for the upvotes! Never thought I'd see the front page, it's been a pun-ishing wait to get there
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustinioForza
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2016
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A man was chopping down a tree but was surprised when the tree suddenly exclaimed, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!"

then he responded, "And you will dialogue!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chopinsbach
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
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My friend with a speech impediment got arrested for drug peddling.

He really made a meth of himself

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lui_Le_Diamond
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
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When I win the nobel prize, this will be my speech:

I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side; my hips, for never lying; my legs, for always supporting me; my fingers and toes, for I can always count on them

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dray_son
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2019
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Say what you want about freedom of speech....
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zzenux
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2018
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I just want to give a shout out to sidewalks

For keeping me off the streets

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
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You know there’s a name for when parrots mimic human speech

It’s called a parroty

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πŸ‘€︎ u/garboooge
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2019
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