My wifeβs diploma came, so I framed it for her
π︎ 4k
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︎ Dec 31 2020
So touching
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Jan 03 2021
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation...
π︎ 10k
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︎ Dec 28 2020
Momma always told me "you are what you eat!" So I started eating mushrooms every day.
I wanted to become a fun guy.
π︎ 3k
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︎ Jan 07 2021
I met a beautiful cactus today, so I told it, " you're looking sharp today ".
" I'm just a cactus " , it said. " You have a point there ", I replied.
π︎ 9k
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︎ Dec 08 2020
A buddy of mine named his dog β5 Milesβ so he could tell people he walked 5 miles
But today he ran over 5 Miles
π︎ 17k
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︎ Nov 24 2020
Iβve recently discovered Iβm terrified of elevators, so Iβm taking steps to avoid them.
I was a little afraid of speed bumps too, but Iβm slowly getting over them!
UPDATE: Thank you so much for all the upvotes and amazing responses, fellow Dad Joke lovers.
You make the world a happier place! π€©
π︎ 17k
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︎ Nov 12 2020
I went to a wedding that was so moving everyone was crying.
Even the cake was in tiers.
π︎ 376
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︎ Jan 08 2021
So that is why...
π︎ 191
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︎ Dec 17 2020
The wedding was so touching that
even the cake was in tiers.
Edit: Thank you so much guys! I never expected this to reach 10k upvotes! You guys truly made my day.
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Nov 01 2020
The elevator at work was broken so I took the stairs...
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Now no one can get down.
π︎ 586
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︎ Dec 08 2020
And so Sam sung note 7
π︎ 4k
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︎ Oct 29 2020
I was so bored sitting at home that I memorized six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
π︎ 975
π
︎ Dec 16 2020
I havent read a book in ages. So i decided to start with a book of how clocks work.
π︎ 100
π
︎ Jan 08 2021
I'm so sorry.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Nov 12 2020
eBay is so useless
I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 18,346 matches.
π︎ 478
π
︎ Dec 22 2020
βHey, how much wood have you chopped so far?β
βNot sure. Let me check the logs.β
π︎ 112
π
︎ Jan 04 2021
I misplaced my pizza cutter, so I used my Bryan Adams CD.
π︎ 282
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︎ Dec 19 2020
Guys, today was my first day in the navy and I felt so lost!
π︎ 510
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︎ Dec 14 2020
today is my first cake day so I decided to give you guys a joke
What do you call an Irishman bouncing off the walls?
Rick O Shea
π︎ 64
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︎ Jan 05 2021
when I was a child we were so poor that my mother made us clothes out of the scraps my dad would bring home from work at the sandpaper factory
π︎ 85
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︎ Dec 24 2020
Rudolph the red and his wife were on a stroll. Rudolph the red looked up at the sky and said "we should hurry up, there is a storm comming". So his wife asked "how do u know" and he replied...
"Rudolph the red knows rain dear"
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Oct 09 2020
The Trump White House is so polite these days.
Everyone there is saying βPardon meβ all the time now.
π︎ 306
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︎ Dec 02 2020
Why is North Korea so evil?
Because they have no Seoul.
Edit: Thanks for the support and for my first award everyone! I canβt take credit for the joke itself as a friend who passed a number of years made it up in high school, but Iβm sure heβd be ecstatic to see the number of updoots and laughter itβs brought.
π︎ 6k
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︎ Oct 17 2020
My poker cards yesterday were so shitty
π︎ 41
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︎ Jan 09 2021
Why is it so hard for T. Rex to play the piano?
π︎ 114
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︎ Dec 21 2020
So, Iβve been hearing people talk about probiotics and how good they are for you. I donβt buy into it.
I guess you could say that Iβm anti-biotic.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jan 06 2021
The lumberjack loved his computer so much.
He especially liked logging in.
π︎ 36
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︎ Jan 04 2021
The internet connection in my farm is really sketchy, so I moved the modem to the barn.
π︎ 186
π
︎ Dec 18 2020
My wife was hurrying me along and asking when things were going to be done so I asked her if she was my clone from Moscow. She looked confused and said "No, why?"
I said "Because you're Russian me."
π︎ 94
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︎ Dec 20 2020
The reason the mountains are hill areas joke gets reposted so often is
π︎ 53
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︎ Dec 29 2020
Playing as a Monk in Dungeons & Dragons isnβt so hard.
You just have to roll with the punches and look out for number one.
π︎ 2
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︎ Dec 30 2020
Very slow day/boring. So I'll post an oldie just because.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?...because 7-8-9.
π︎ 10
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︎ Jan 06 2021
My wife looked at me beaming with pride and said, βWow! I never thought our son could go so far!β
I said, βI know. This trebuchet is amazing. Go get our daughter.β
π︎ 59
π
︎ Dec 24 2020
So it's 2021 now, then 2022, and then 2023.
I guess the vision for the future is getting worse.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jan 05 2021
Why are elevator jokes so good?
They work on so many levels
π︎ 40
π
︎ Dec 22 2020
I'm so hungry...
I haven't eaten all year.
(Happy New Year)
π︎ 19
π
︎ Jan 01 2021
So I brought a tree home for Christmas
My son saw the huge tree and asked, "Are you going to put i up yourself?"
I replied, "No son I'm going to put it up in the living room."
π︎ 16
π
︎ Dec 24 2020
Why was the camping trip so stressful?
Because it was in tents...
π︎ 25
π
︎ Jan 05 2021
Why was Van Gogh so depressed?
Because he lent his ear to everyone else's problems.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Jan 03 2021
My neighbour and I became good friends, so we decided to share our water supply.
π︎ 81
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︎ Dec 14 2020
I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......
......... The Times are really Rough!!!
π︎ 58
π
︎ Dec 16 2020
My wife is so negative
I remembered the car seat, the stroller, and the diaper bag, but all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby
π︎ 18
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︎ Jan 01 2021
I was feeling depressed. So my wife put her hand on my shoulder and said "Earth."
That meant the world to me.
π︎ 137
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︎ Dec 08 2020
So I wanted to withdraw some money.
Have to try again later because for some reason I canβt ATM.
π︎ 43
π
︎ Dec 16 2020
Why was the night Jesus was born so quiet?
Mary was giving Joseph the silent treatment for not booking a room in advance (this came from my dad π€£π€£)
π︎ 40
π
︎ Dec 12 2020
Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Dec 16 2020
eBay is so useless
I tried to look up lighters and all they had were 13,570 matches
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Sep 30 2020
Iβm so bored that I just memorized six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Aug 26 2020
I ran out of toilet paper, so I had use old newspapers...
π︎ 33
π
︎ Dec 28 2020
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