Smoking Car Puns

I mean, Look at the poor fella freezing out there.

She was waving an illegal fire arm.

And I saw a woman smoking while she was fueling. I'm sitting there in dismay when I look over at another pump and see two cops leaning against their car eating hotdogs.

I start giving them this look of "don't you see this? Are you going to do anything?" they seemed unconcerned.

Just as I look back to the woman, I see her arm had caught fire and she's freaking out, flaling her arm around trying to put it out. Suddenly the cops tackle her, putting out the fire and then they arrest her.

I asked them "well, why the hell are you arresting her for? Isn't getting burned bad enough? One of the cops just looked at me and said

"She was waving around a firearm! "

If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?

I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?

China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.

I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?

I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.

I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.

I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"

I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".

If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?

If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?

My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.

I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.

Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.

Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.

You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"

A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p

So I work at a car dealership in not the best part of town. I was outside enjoying a smoke when a frail woman with bad teeth walked towards me. "I'll suck you off for a plate of lasagna," she said. I shot back, "sorry, I'm not interested in pastatutes."

I pulled my car over on my way home today because it started smoking (I cracked a head gasket) so I called my grandpa because he is the mechanic of my family and he only lives a mile from where I pulled over.

I told him that my car was smoking and I needed his help to find out what was wrong with it.

"It's probably peer pressure, make it smoke the rest of the pack and see how it likes it then"

When she got to the window I asked, "What's the problem officer?"

Her face darkened with anger and she replied, "You don't know?"

I answered, that I didn't.

She asked again, "You honestly don't know?"

I replied, "No ma'am, I have no idea."

Then she angrily replied, "Well, if you don't know, I'm certainly not going to tell you."

With that she turned and stomped angrily back to her car, got in, slammed the door and smoked the tires as she sped away...

A woman was at a gas station filling her car with gas. She inserted the nozzle and began filling the car with gas. As she waited for the car to fill, she lit a cigarette and began to smoke it. The car clicked to indicate it was full of gas, and she pulled the filler out of the car. Some gas leaked out of the filler onto her sweater arm, and a spark from the cigarette lit her arm on fire. The woman began to scream for help, and waved her arm about trying to put the fire out. A highway patrolman who happened to be nearby ran over and saw the woman flailing about in pain. Without hesitation, he pulled his handgun out of the holster and shot her three times. A few weeks later in court, the judge asked the patrolman why on earth he shot that woman? The patrolman answers, "well your honor, she was waving around a firearm!"

Credit to u/echonight . This is a cross post from r/askreddit

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted.

About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off.

The dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals--- the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak.

The grim reaper swears. "Oh no! This always happens with identical twins".

"What do you mean?" asks the dentist.

"Well... if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld. I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended. I'll take my leave now."

The dentist is noticeably upset. He says "Wait! Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life."

The grim reaper asks "What do you have in mind?"

The dentist thinks. "How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free."

The grim reaper laughs. "I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?"

The dentist smiles. "I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minute of brushing each, then we decide."

"Very well" says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom.

Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The grim reaper gr

A Christmas Poem
by Dad (1952–2009)

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the shack,
Not a creature was stirring, we was all in the sack;

Our mugs were placed on the mantle with cheer,
In hope that Saint Nick would bring us a beer;

And me I was tucked up all snug in my bed,
But strains of sweet music still danced through my head;

So I sprang from my bed with a crash and a clatter,
And off down the hall with bare feet did I patter;

There on the chair sat my musical pipe,
So I sat down to play without fanfare or hype;

Come Mozart, come Hayden, Stravinski and Strauss,
And write me some music to bring down the house;

When down from the chimney appeared with a crash,
A strange little man in the smoke and the ash;

He wiggled and jumped and got up like a shot,
Came over and said, "Man those cinders are hot!";

His stomach it shook like a bowl full of jelly,
For a moment I thought it was dear old aunt Nelly;

His nose like a cherry, his ears like two jugs,
I was worried that this guy just might be on drugs;

His language was foul, his jokes they were crass,
So I opened the door and threw him out on his ass;

But then as I turned, boy was I ever surprised;
I saw what he'd bought me, or so I surmised;

For there in the corner right under the tree,
Was some brand new sheet music and a case of O.V.;

I turned to say thank-you but found he had gone,
He was not in the garden and not on the lawn;

And just when I thought that he couldn't get far,
I realized the old goat had stolen the car;

Off in the distance he said with a wheeze,
"I hated to do it but you left me the keys!";

I smiled and laughed for this much I could savour,
For I'd just sold the car to my idiot neighbour;

And once more he called as he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and don't drive when you're tight!"

Thank you for everything, Dad. We love and miss you.

So around 130 this morning I heard someone using a circular saw outside my apartment. I got out of bed pissed off and saw through my window two people were cutting apart the fence surrounding our garbage bins and stole it.

After 2 hours of unsuccessfully trying to fall asleep, I went out for a smoke and saw a cop car in our lot. Somebody had made a noise complaint and the police responded.

I spoke to them and after giving them a description of what I saw (they found the entire situation hilarious) I asked them "so would you consider this a fence offence?"

Groans were had by all.

This was told to me by my father's older brother but thought it belongs here.

I repeated this as a 7 year old during Christmas dinner to everyone.

A penguin was driving along in the desert when all of the sudden his engine begin smoking. Luckily there was a mechanic shop near by so he dropped his car off. The mechanic said it will be an hour or two. The penguin decides to wonder around the small town and sees a grocery store. To beat the heat he heads to the frozen section and hops in the ice cream cooler. He sees a tub of his favorite vanilla ice cream so he opens it up and digs in. Two hours go by and he hops out of the cooler and heads back to the shop to pick up his car. The mechanic say "You blew a seal." The penguin wipes his mouth and say "Oh no it's vanilla ice cream."

Anyone: "I'm gonna run to the store, do you want anything?" Dad: "Wouldn't it be faster if you took the car?"

Anyone: "...it was sent U.P.S." Dad: "you mean Oops? (ups)"

Anyone: "....would I!?" Dad: "Harelip!"

Anyone: "is it okay if I smoke?" Dad: "why?, are you on fire?"

Anyone: "I think I've got something in my eye" Dad: "It's your finger"

Anyone: "Did you rotate the tires?" Dad: "Nah, they spin when I'm driving"

Anyone: (anything that even nearly rhymes with "badges", ie, "matches") Dad: "Matches? We don need no stinkeen matches!"

Anyone: "Where are you at?" Dad: "I'm right here. Where are you at?"

My dad and i picked up some charcoal and some pear wood to smoke on the BBQ with. in the car my dad suggested that we should get a partridge for dinner. i asked him why. he said "so we can smoke a partridge with a pear tree." i audibly groaned and didn't talk to him for the rest of the car ride home.