Dick Van Dyke
I was riding with my coworker today and we passed by a car with the license plate of "Wanda3". I comment wondering where Wanda1 and 2 are.
My coworker leans over and says: "I wanda"
groan
That it broke into two.
I guess you could say it was a meeting of the minds. I have more, but my wife started ignoring me after the fourth joke.
I told him "Be careful, it's closer than it appears."
I said, “is that a fret?”
A Goldy-smack with a cold sack in a cul de sac, which is more than a bear with beer could bare.
He started pointing them out to me.
"Llama, llama, llama, llama, llama, chameleon."
++++++++++++++++++
I thought of this today while driving and smacked my wheel as I giggled. My girlfriend stared at me, bemused and confused.
I like it. I'm proud of myself.
If you ever accidentally smack your kid in the face and they say ow my eyes is blurry, or if they bump their face etc
Say “ah buddy u ok? Can u see? How many hands am I holding up?
Then proceed to hold up one hand with four fingers.
The kid will most often say 4. Then you make the dad face.
“4 hands!?!? Yah we might have a problem!”
Recovering and bruised, he slowly climbs the tree again, jumps and falls to the ground.
The turtle tries again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watch his pathetic efforts.
Finally, the female bird turns to her mate, “Darling, don't you think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted?"
The setup: Yesterday morning as I left for work I busted our 16yo son sneaking a girl in to the house. Since I had to get to work I just took all of his electronics. Later in the evening I had a long honest talk with him. Explaining (once again) that I know he's going to fool around but he can't be doing it while his siblings are home alone with him.
I finished the conversation with him by asking if I should get him a condom supply. He responded by telling me that he had only been to second base and that there was time yet.
So I went to bed where my wife asked how it went. After filling her in I ended by letting her know that our son had been to 2nd base.
She replied, "Why would you tell me that?!"
I looked her dead in the eyes and replied "Just wanted to keep you abreast of the situation."
She smacked me.
Story time:
So over the holiday, while visiting my mom, she asked me to run and pick up some groceries she had on her shopping list. So of course, I pack up my kids and we are off to the store. As I am perusing the juice aisle, my daughter squeals, "ELSA!!!!" Sure enough, there was Elsa, on the label of a bottle of apple juice. I thought, "Apple juice is on the list and it will make my daughter happy? Boom getting it!" Fast forward to putting groceries away at my mom's house.
Mom: "Did you get everything on my list?"
Me: "Yes mom."
Mom: as I am handing her the Elsa apple juice "Oh I wanted you to get the frozen apple juice"
Me: my face shifting from a look of irritation to a stupid-cheesy smirk "That IS Frozen apple juice..."
Mom: fighting the urge to smack me while rolling her eyes "OMG."
Me: Sure, tell me one son. My Son: Did you know that Lincoln had a guard with him at the theater where he was shot, but that the guard left to go across the street to have a drink and that's why Lincoln wasn't guarded when he was shot? Me: No, son, I had no idea. My Son: But that's not all. It was the same bar that John Wilkes Booth was waiting in before going to kill the president. Me: So did they see each other? My Son: I'm not sure dad. I'm thinking Booth might have been waiting to see if he would come in before he went over to shoot Lincoln. Me: I wonder if the guard came in, and Booth ask him if he could buy him a shot?!?!? My Son: audibly smacks head
Wuacamole
“Something!”, I yelled at her. Warning: use at your own risk. I was smacked with a flip flop.
And I know most of you here can do better than my,
While stiff arming their face, "I don't wanna seeeeee yo food."
Do you get it? Do ya, cause it's about turning the joke back... You get it right?
Anyway, help a guy increase his dadjoke street cred with his kiddo and his lunchroom hecklers.
Does it mean you hit rock bottom
Dad: Hey is that burger place "Five Guys" good?
Me: Yeah it's okay but it's pretty damn expensive.
Dad: We should go to "One Guy" than... I bet it'll be cheaper!
http://i.imgur.com/LT5FoFE.png
Smacking into the mirror
A smack-erel
Wife (to daughter): Ugh, what smells. Is it your feet? I think it’s your feet.
Me: pretty sure it’s her nose
Wife: her nose smells?
Me: ...
Wife: I fuckin’ hate you
Simple is best!
Me: No. Why?
Him: To get the ketchup out.
Told to me by my grandfather-in-law as I was banging on the side of the ketchup bottle.
Me: I'll just call it.
Her: you can't, it's on silent.
Me: well, if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it.
I got smacked for that one.
Smack him across the face with the fish and he'll stop annoying you forever
Daddy tomato goes back, smacks him on the head and says, “KETCHUP!”
1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
Credit to my economics professor
We were getting ready for work and I smacked her on the ass. She said "you better watch yourself." I proceeded to stare at my arm until she moaned and walked away.
- The ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds17. 52 cards = 1 decacards18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin22. 10 rations = 1 decoration23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision
Wife: [Talking about Amazon's Prime Photos app] Me: Did I tell you my friend just bought his house off of Amazon's latest app? Wife: No. What's their latest app? Me: Prime Real Estate. Me: [Gets smacked.]
Mom: Look how big our bed was! It was two double beds pushed together.
Sister: Couldn't you feel the crack though?
Dad: I tried a few times but your mom kept smacking my hand away.
People are dying to go there.
She asks me 'Do you have your wallet handy?'
Its in my back pocket so I reply 'Nope! It's currently ass-y.' (I then retrieve my wallet amidst being smacked around my head and shoulders)
one is named Joe and the other, Steven. Joe and Steven have a fire. Joe decides he's hungry so he grabs a pan and some sticks. Steven runs over and says "Joe what are you doing?" And says "im just grilling up some sticks." Steven immediately smacks the pan from Joe's paw and says "JOE THATS A NON STICK PAN"
My wife to our daughter as we entered a grocery store: "Honey, do you want to sit in the cart again?"
Me: "I highly doubt she wants to sit in a sweater."
A few seconds later I could almost hear the light bulb click on over my wife's head and I got smacked in the arm.
It's not a joke, but I thought this would still apply to this sub.
When my sister was learning how to drive, one of the first times she was backing out of our drive way, we were all in the car, my dad in the back seat with me. His window was down. As she backed out of the drive way, nervous, he had his arm out the window and SMACKED the side of the car with his hand to scare her (it worked).
My mom was not amused.
“Are you sure it wasn’t fruits?” - My fiance, who isn’t even a dad yet.
Me: -holding in my rage, 5 seconds later- Im putting you on r/dadjokes
Him: Yeah... it was pretty bad huh?
I’m glad he’s ready. I wanted to smack him for that one.
was driving down a back road by my house while it was snowing and my father randomly points out the window at some cows and proclaims "Look refrigerated beef!" I couldn't decide whether I should laugh or smack him.
She came in, smiled, and said "tea time!" So of course I said 'oh I didn't know we were going golfing!'
She smacked me. Dad joke level: successful
