Smack That Puns

Dick Van Dyke

Story time:

So over the holiday, while visiting my mom, she asked me to run and pick up some groceries she had on her shopping list. So of course, I pack up my kids and we are off to the store. As I am perusing the juice aisle, my daughter squeals, "ELSA!!!!" Sure enough, there was Elsa, on the label of a bottle of apple juice. I thought, "Apple juice is on the list and it will make my daughter happy? Boom getting it!" Fast forward to putting groceries away at my mom's house.

Mom: "Did you get everything on my list?"

Me: "Yes mom."

Mom: as I am handing her the Elsa apple juice "Oh I wanted you to get the frozen apple juice"

Me: my face shifting from a look of irritation to a stupid-cheesy smirk "That IS Frozen apple juice..."

Mom: fighting the urge to smack me while rolling her eyes "OMG."

Me: Sure, tell me one son. My Son: Did you know that Lincoln had a guard with him at the theater where he was shot, but that the guard left to go across the street to have a drink and that's why Lincoln wasn't guarded when he was shot? Me: No, son, I had no idea. My Son: But that's not all. It was the same bar that John Wilkes Booth was waiting in before going to kill the president. Me: So did they see each other? My Son: I'm not sure dad. I'm thinking Booth might have been waiting to see if he would come in before he went over to shoot Lincoln. Me: I wonder if the guard came in, and Booth ask him if he could buy him a shot?!?!? My Son: audibly smacks head

Me: I'll just call it.

Her: you can't, it's on silent.

Me: well, if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it.

I got smacked for that one.

The setup: Yesterday morning as I left for work I busted our 16yo son sneaking a girl in to the house. Since I had to get to work I just took all of his electronics. Later in the evening I had a long honest talk with him. Explaining (once again) that I know he's going to fool around but he can't be doing it while his siblings are home alone with him.

I finished the conversation with him by asking if I should get him a condom supply. He responded by telling me that he had only been to second base and that there was time yet.

So I went to bed where my wife asked how it went. After filling her in I ended by letting her know that our son had been to 2nd base.

She replied, "Why would you tell me that?!"

I looked her dead in the eyes and replied "Just wanted to keep you abreast of the situation."

She smacked me.

one is named Joe and the other, Steven. Joe and Steven have a fire. Joe decides he's hungry so he grabs a pan and some sticks. Steven runs over and says "Joe what are you doing?" And says "im just grilling up some sticks." Steven immediately smacks the pan from Joe's paw and says "JOE THATS A NON STICK PAN"

“Are you sure it wasn’t fruits?” - My fiance, who isn’t even a dad yet.

Me: -holding in my rage, 5 seconds later- Im putting you on r/dadjokes

Him: Yeah... it was pretty bad huh?

I’m glad he’s ready. I wanted to smack him for that one.

Once upon a time Quasimodo was growing old and wanted to retire. Before he could, he had to hire someone new to ring the bells of the Church of Notre Dame in his place. He placed an ad in the newspaper but only one man showed up for the interview. This man happened to have no arms. The man begged Quasimodo to give him a chance, and that despite his appearance he could indeed perform the duties of the job. Quasimodo eventually caved and gave him a chance. The next day at 1:00 sharp they met in the bell tower. The man with no arms takes a wide stance near the edge of the room and charges directly towards the bell at a dead sprint. He smacks the bell squarely with his head and it produces a wonderful sonorous ring. Pleased with the results, Quasimodo tells him that if he can continue to ring the bell for the rest of the day he has the job. 2:00 passes and the man with no arms headbuts the bell twice, at 3:00 three times, and on and on until at 12:00 he produces only 11 rings before he was so disoriented and concussed that he charges right past the bell, over the railing, and falls to his death. The next day when the police investigate the mysterious death of an unknown man with no arms Quasimodo was asked if he knew anything about the dead man. He told them " I don't know his name, but his face sure rings a bell"

While driving in the car listening to 60's - 70's rock radio station

Led Zeppelin, ACDC, Foghat etc. would come on and my Dad would immediately start singing. Somewhere down the line he blatantly screws up the lyrics loud enough for all of us to hear and would say...

Smacking the drivers wheel "Damn, I really hate when the radio stations mess up the lyrics like that"

Mike Rowe on meeting Robin Williams the first time:

The first was in 2006 - June or maybe July. I walked into The Roastery down on Chestnut, ordered a coffee, and sat down to read the paper. I soon discovered I was in one of those chairs with one leg shorter than the rest, and resolved to remedy the problem by jamming a folded-up coaster under the offending limb. I bent down, got the thing positioned properly, and managed to smack my head on the edge of the table on the way back up. Hard. The impact was noisy, and sent coffee slushing all over The Chronicle, which in turn lead to an “Ahh...shit!,” a little louder than I intended. A second later, a voice said, “No, I believe that’s coffee. Shit’s the stuff I see you crawling through every time I turn on the TV.”

source

So my dad and I went to a local crab shack. I got a crab that I couldn't actually open, so I was sitting there with the hammer just smacking it repeatedly. The waitress comes over and asks "Ya having a little trouble with that?"

Dad: "It seems he is. Luckily we aren't paying for the crabs by the pound."

Me and a buddy are moving a couch into our smaller bedroom, then I smashed my arm into the door frame.

Me: "Damn, I just smacked my arm into the door."

GF: "That's what happens when you are moving a couch."

Me: "Well, it's a wrist i'm willing to take."

Her eyes rolled so hard that I could hear them from the other room. I keep telling her that I'm a dad and this is what to expect out of me.

My friends dad was driving me home in his Mazda protégé (early 2000's), and some of the lights in the dash weren't turning on. He turns to my buddy and tells him that the car was made in India, and at this point we're all kind of confused. He smacks the dashboard and the lights come back on and he says to us "I just needed to Bangladesh."

My old man is fond of smacking my siblings and I in the back of the head and when asked, "What was that for?" he will generally reply, "For awhile." He will also make people repeat themselves several times by pretending he couldn't hear them.

Was closing with someone at this pizza place I work. She was grabbing beef to fill up pizza toppings when I said something that made her smack me with it. This prompted me to ask if she had beef with me. She groaned and laughed a little, I think I'll do alright.