Waiter: βHow do you like your steak, sirβ?
Sir: βLike winning an argument with my wifeβ.
Waiter βRare it is!β.
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Mar 06 2021
Guy tries to board a plane with a dead racoon. The flight attendant says, "sir, you're going to have to check that"
"Don't worry," he replies, "It's carrion."
π︎ 689
π
︎ Mar 30 2021
Doctor: Sorry sir but your body has ran out of Magnesium
π︎ 173
π
︎ Mar 30 2021
Plant Got Back - Sir Mix-a-lot
π︎ 45
π
︎ May 03 2021
Sir Anzac Newton.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Apr 26 2021
I was sitting in a restaurant when the waitress walked up and asked how did you find your steak sir?
I said I looked at the mashed potatoes and the steak was right next to them.
π︎ 13
π
︎ May 02 2021
I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, βI donβt think they have what youβre looking for, sir.β
I told him, βI donβt think they have what youβre looking for, sir.β
π︎ 201
π
︎ Dec 17 2020
Banker: sir, why is your land deed covered in... grease???
π︎ 5
π
︎ Mar 19 2021
Ordering KFC, and I ask for a chicken wing. Cashier asks, βok sir, and which side?β
I replied I had never thought about it before, but I suppose Iβll take the right side.
Cashier: βsir, I meant mashed potatoes, corn, or beans.β
π︎ 337
π
︎ Jan 08 2021
Doctor: βSir, I have some bad news, Iβm afraid your DNA is backwardsβ
π︎ 56
π
︎ Jan 31 2021
Man walks into a shop and picks up a can of bug spray
The man asks "is this good for wasps?"
The cashier says "no sir, it kills them"
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Apr 28 2021
Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is corrupted.
π︎ 19
π
︎ Feb 12 2021
Magical Creatures Rights Activist: Sir, are you aware of how wizards and witches deal with Boggarts?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 24 2021
Daughters boyfriend introduced himself to me he said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said "then why are you shaking?"
π︎ 28k
π
︎ Mar 07 2020
A waiter asks the "How did you find your steak, Sir?"
Me: I just looked next to the mash potatoes and there it was!
Source: tedthestoner2.0.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jan 25 2021
Yummy 3.14159
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Mar 14 2021
Doc: "Sir, you've caught a very rare disease. "
Me: "How rare?"
Doc: "You pick the name.
π︎ 142
π
︎ Nov 06 2020
Cashier: Sir can I have your card again?
Me: its a sweater and no you can't have it.
π︎ 42
π
︎ Dec 20 2020
Once, when working in a store, a man dressed as a a wizard approached the counter...
He said "Do I get any money off for having this big stick?"
I said "No sir, we don't offer staff discount".
π︎ 663
π
︎ May 07 2021
The fattest knight at King Arthurβs round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
π︎ 134
π
︎ Sep 21 2020
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Feb 13 2021
Hey Sir, police jokes arenβt funny!
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 06 2021
What did king Arthur say to sir Lancelot?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 30 2020
I went to the beekeeper to get 12 bees. He counted and gave me 13. "Sir, you gave me an extra."
π︎ 110
π
︎ Sep 23 2020
Lance is an uncommon name nowdays
But in mediaeval times people were called lance a lot
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Jan 05 2021
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
π︎ 10
π
︎ May 10 2021
I never understood the invention of circles
π︎ 35
π
︎ Apr 30 2021
A vulture was boarding a plane and he brought with him a dead racoon. The flight attendant, mortified by the sight and stench, pointed at the carcass and asked "Sir why did you bring a dead racoon with you."
The vulture said. "Oh this? This is my carrion luggage."
π︎ 47
π
︎ Oct 18 2020
This was posted by Sir Ian McKellen himself on Facebook
https://preview.redd.it/pcu1x2n9tvs51.png?width=720&format=png&auto=webp&s=f8b5cc4564de7f6b3da1ce9dfd2508b168d159e6
π︎ 13
π
︎ Oct 13 2020
Officer: Sir, why are you carrying pillows?
Because Iβm resisting a rest.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Nov 30 2020
A photon checks into a hotel. "Need any help with your luggage sir?" asks the porter.
"No thanks " replies the photon. "I am travelling light."
π︎ 9
π
︎ Nov 22 2020
I was checking out at the grocery store today and the bagger was holding my stuff over the shopping cart and asked: βsir, would you like to go out with the cart?β. To which I replied βoh, no thanks Iβm actually marriedβ. My poor son looked mortified. Dad joke status ACHIEVED.
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Nov 30 2019
Man #1: "Sir, would you like a pamphlet about our organization?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 18 2020
What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is heavy one is a little lighter.
π︎ 93
π
︎ Apr 21 2021
Waitress: "Are you finished sir?"
Dad: "No, I'm actually Norwegian. So close though, you're pretty good at that!"
π︎ 6
π
︎ Oct 23 2020
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
π︎ 486
π
︎ Mar 14 2021
"Whatβs your name, son?"
The principal asked his student. The kid replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir."
"Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked.
The student answered, "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk."
π︎ 679
π
︎ Mar 20 2021
Why did Dwayne Johnsonβs family get tested for covid?
They couldnβt smell what the rock was cooking
π︎ 84
π
︎ Apr 01 2021
One night I got pulled over. The cop walked up to my window and said βdo you have a police record, sir?β I said:
π︎ 12
π
︎ Oct 03 2020
A drunk dude decided to drive and get more beer. After being pulled over and questioned by the cop, the cop said β sir Iβm going to have to put you under arrest.β The guy then said
π︎ 6
π
︎ Nov 05 2020
Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros.
There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
π︎ 22k
π
︎ Nov 14 2020
There was a knight whose job it was to guard other knights while they sleep
But as anyone that has worked the night shift knows it can be a long and boring affair. No great threats to defend against. So this knight decided to improve himself, night after night he would bring books to read while he stood guard. Learning languages, math, philosophy. The smarter he gets the more he realizes that he will likely leave the world and be forgotten. In his depression he turns to music, learning instrument after instrument, style after style. Using his knowledge of math to create beautiful patterns and moving songs. He learns that it is they rhythm more than anything that draws people to a song and sets his nights to finding the rhythm that will be universally loved. Now, hundreds of years after his death, people the world over still remember Sir Cadian's Rhythm.
π︎ 79
π
︎ Apr 03 2021
Helmet won by Sir Cumsize during war in the year 1215AD
π︎ 41
π
︎ May 16 2020
Cowboy goes in to a hotel and says a single room and a wardrobe for my horse. Your horse sir the manager replied!
Yes my horse is a Mustang and it mustang somewhere!
π︎ 5
π
︎ Sep 29 2020
What do you call a bounty hunter with no underwear?
π︎ 140
π
︎ Feb 26 2021
Waitress: How did you find your steak Sir?
I just looked next to the potatoes and there it was.
π︎ 38
π
︎ Mar 24 2021
How did you find your steak, sir?
Right next to the potatoes.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 07 2021
The fattest knight at King Arthurβs round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
π︎ 19
π
︎ Sep 22 2020
I went to a beekeeper to get 12 bees.He counted and gave me 13.
"Sir, you gave me an extra." That's a freebie.
π︎ 216
π
︎ Mar 29 2021
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