Silverness Puns

I’ll beheading there shortly

Edit: Thanks for the silver. My first ever award!

It was quite alloying

Hallow points.

...yet hairdresser of year still eludes me.

He nuts and bolts!

Edit: wow! My first Silver. You guys are amazing.

Agstralia.

At least tomorrow isn’t Friday the thirteen... yikes!

They'd be alloys!

He finally found the scoop he was looking for.

Son: what did the fig say to the table?

Me: I don't know, what did the fig say to the table?

Son, angry voice: Hey! I'm asking the questions here. You FIG-ure it out.

Edit: thanks for the silver, I'll tell the boy in the morning!

Edit 2: explained to my son about the up votes and awards. When he heard that someone spent real money to congratulate him for the joke, he said he bets it was his grandparents. He's excited y'all enjoyed it.

It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne"

Argent-ina

Oh, either ore.

... checking his balance

Thunderpants!

The I.C.U.

AgHHHHHHHHHHHH..

I'll show myself out.

I asked her the other day: "Which metal do you prefer to work with? Gold or silver?"

She said: "Either ore."

They are alloys.

oh the Ag ony!!

Light blue.

Edit : Thanks for the silver and gold

Edit 2 : Wow that blue up

Edit 3 : I never type "thanks for the ..." line, but since silver is also a colour, I did.

I believe it's best to let the doctor do it.

Edit: Thanks for the Silver :)

Now I have a bitcoin.

Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"

Edit: Wow! My first Silver and my first Gold! I am honored. What an amazing community. It's a great place to visit after a challenging day.

Chickens... All of them have at least one buck.

My friend is in the process of moving and was asked how the move was expected to go.

“It should be pretty easy, I have very little furniture”

“Really? You’re kinda a big guy.”

Pirates.

Lycansubscribe

I said, "No, platinum"

But all the good ones Argon

It’s an extremely rare dish order.

Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me:

“Well, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that I’d beat lung cancer...”

pauses for effect

“...I guess I let it go to my head.”

Edit: thank you all for the kind words (and the silver/gold/platinum...I’ll be making matching gifts to St. Jude’s or a similar organization).

Yes he was a great man. At age 20 he was given 3 months to live due to another ‘incurable’ disease. He stuck around for another 45+ years. I could go on and on...

Julius seizure

Edit: Oh and thanks a bunch for the silver homie

That way he always had SWAg

He responded, “Aisle B, Back”

Edit: wow first silver!!!! Thank you 🙏🏾 anonymous Redditor!

Edit2: my wife doesn’t use reddit. She’s thoroughly enjoying the responses to the joke in the joke jar she created for me and the silver (“whatever those are”). Happy Father’s!

Edit3: https://imgur.com/gallery/5G25Flw wife got me a nice gift 🎁

There's too much sax and violins

Edit: Thank you so much for the gold and silver

I said, “Don’t worry. We are all in the same boat.”

And here they are

In case this is your first time here (I haven't posted in a while), I find jokes here and elsewhere on the internet (and now my friends have started sending me jokes), and I text them to my daughter. I then capture her reactions for those sweet, sweet internet points.

Thanks very much to the original joke submitters. You dads are alright. If you missed any of the previous episodes:

Vol. 1

Vol. 2

Vol. 3

Vol. 4

EDIT: Since this is blowing up, I may as well mention that the young lady in question just passed her driver's license test this morning! Everyone congratulate her!

Also, thanks for the gold.

But it was only temporary.

(I see that image posts aren't allowed in this sub but gosh darn it, I earned this one. I throw myself on your mercy, mods.)
(Edit: Amazing, thank you for the silver, gold, and the platinum reward of Reddit: long self referential chains of bad jokes.)

This post is gold.

"A, U!"

This post says otherwise

Edit: Wow someone gave me my first plat! As thanks, I'd steal make a post that says it all but this has already been posted before

Edit 2: thank you for the gold and silver!

Thanks for nothing

Edit: thanks so much stranger for the silver! My first silver award!

This made him, A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Edit: Wow! Didn't expect this big reaction! Thanks for the silver! Edit 2: And gold!? Thanks again! :)

She is watching our wedding video again.

He was a battering ram.

This has been my favourite joke for at least a couple years now.

A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him.

"What would you like for your last meal?"

"I would like a banana please."

The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released.

A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him.

"You again? Shit. What do you want this time?"

"Two bananas please."

The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.

Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacberated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.

"Let me guess. Three bananas?"

"Actually yes! How did you know?"

"Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry."

So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.

"I dont get it," says the executioner. "I didnt let you eat any bananas!"

"Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."

Edit: Thanks for the Gold stranger! Edit: And Silver!

It has only made me stronger.

Dr. Dre

Edit: Thanks for the silver kind stranger!

They ask "Was it arson?", and the officer answers "Yes, your son".

Edit: holy shrimp! I got silver! Thanks for the reception!

One night a viking named Rudolph The Red was looking out the window when he suddenly said "It's going to rain".

His wife was confused and asked him "How do you know?"

He looked at her and responded "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

Edit: Oooh my first Silver, thank you very much whoever you are!

But you probably Reddit

Edit: Holy Crap I Wrote this last night as a joke and DID not expect it to blow up, thanks for the silver my dude.

'eeeeyyyy youuu...

Because as well as his left and right, he also had a boat full of privateers.

Long Gone Silver

No, because it's the silver bullet.

But no pun in ten did

Every clod has a silver lining.

But it was worth a shot

Attire.

Edit: Thanks for the silver (my first metal)!!

Half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t that bright.

European

Her: "Aww, look at these cute coasters!"

Me: "They'd be better if they had wheels."

Her: "Why?"

Me: "Because then they would be rollercoasters."

Boy wants a car from his dad
Dad says, "First you got to cut that hair"
Boy says, "Hey dad, Jesus had long hair"
And dad says, "That's right son, Jesus walked everywhere"

(From "The Frontier Index" by The Silver Jews)

He’s out standing in his field.

Edit: Wow, my first ever silver! Thanks guys.

In a Wacondo.

My son and I just came up with that joke, driving past Disneyworld.

Edit: thanks for the silver kind stranger!

.........It is a step by step guide

Edit: oh my god wow, thank you for the silver!

AU, get out of here.

I got gold, silver and bronze.

Water-tight bundles of untraceable drug-dealer cash.

Lost somewhere on the beach between West Palm Beach and Nag's Head, NC.

Also, loose pirate treasure of gold or silver.

Sentimental value. Small reward offered.

The conversation goes like this:

Him: I work with animals for a living.
Her: Oh really? That's so sweet! What is your job?
Him: I'm a teacher.

He got busted.

Edit: Thank you stranger for the silver!

Terrible joke, only 3 stars

The stakes are high.

He finally found the scoop he was looking for.

They will be alloys.

*Ag ag ag ag ag ag

Agstralia

They formed an alloy-ence

Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me:

“Well, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that I’d beat lung cancer...”

pauses for effect

“...I guess I let it go to my head.”

Edit: thank you all for the kind words (and the silver/gold/platinum...I’ll be making matching gifts to St. Jude’s or a similar organization).

Yes he was a great man. At age 20 he was given 3 months to live due to another ‘incurable’ disease. He stuck around for another 45+ years. I could go on and on...

They would be alloys.

They would be alloys.

I got gold, silver and bronze.