I whispered in her ear "You're an ambulance"
Hot singles in my area are no longer interested in me.
He sometimes wishes he’d never been Bourne.
This year Was a symphony! We had aunts, and two grandmas join in for a seriously epic camel disaster for the kids to discover tomorrow. Feeling proud of my dad skills.
Photos here:
https://imgur.com/gallery/b8sILu3
Edit: the oldest is 5. We celebrated a day early so their aunt could be here. The real 3 kings day is tomorrow. Don’t tell the wise men!
They said it was grounds for termination.
He said "Well, you should probably avoid those places in the future."
Yeah, apparently it was the first ever serf face to heir missile.
OC/DC, we called ourselves.
Is it still considered a "beef"?
He got hijacked.
John saw a tornado out the window of Frank’s house and said to Frank
“Jesus man! that’s an F5! We gotta get to cover Frank!”
Tornado rapidly approaches within 100 yards
John was looking for the cellar door and found 2 different ones
“For Fuck’s sake Frank which is the best cellar!?”
With the tornado bearing down on them, Frank sprang into action and grabbed the latest James Patterson novel.
I guarantee you,no one has ever heard them before.
Man! That came out of nowhere!!
I live across from a lake and some fisherman found a severed human nose. The detective on the case asked if I know who it belongs to. I replied, "no body nose."
He had no idea he had started a turf war.
First one that comes to mind....
Someone took a fence.
It's a real mid-wife crisis!
"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?"
The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small.
"Um...barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender reaches for some larger mugs, but as he places them next to the cups, it becomes obvious that even these will be too small for the pigs.
Seeing the man struggle to continue holding them, the bartender runs to the kitchen for help.
A cook emerges, holding several large measuring cups. "Sorry, I just used these to make a batch of cheese dip, but they're all yours!"
The man carefully plops each pig into its respective gooey yellow cup.
Arms exhausted, breathing heavily, he drops into a stool at the end of the bar, between his tiny friends and a beautiful girl.
He glances her way, gasping coyly. "Hey...I'm...Tom."
She smiles, having watched the whole ordeal. "Hi Tom, I'm Liz. And if you don't mind me asking..." she laughs, looking over his shoulder, "what was that all about?"
He glances back at the bar. "Yeah...sorry," he pants. "I wanted...to impress you, but...it turned out to be...a pretty cheesy...pig-cup line."
But it was a fossil arm.
Pump kin
I know, it sounds a bit far-fetched.
Must be because Ice-cream a lot.
Why
A hydrant.
I'm clean now
Poor guy turned to a life of mime.
It’s quite a peeling
BBQ
I didn’t want them to make offense.
Cannot believe Gaviscon
Guess it was an anonymous tip
Seizing this as a moral teaching moment she tells her daughter this little white lie, "Well young lady, when a daughter does something naughty, one of her mother's hairs turns grey."
After several moments of deep thought her daughter says to her mother, "So, mommy is that why all of grandma's hair is grey????"
I informed my wife that we had ourgrains
I was just expecting a shingle pallet
This ritual beating was called a PUN-ishment
Experts say its the lack of fans.
I was setting up my buddy Rick with this cute gal Tina I knew from work. She was smart, funny and worked in a shop.
Several years ago, she lost all the digits on both feet in a shop accident.
When I told Rick this he did a hard pass on her.
Turns out he is LackToes Intolerant.
He had different kinds of jokes for each maiden, as he knew they each had different types of humor. Margaret was first, and the knight stood before her and tried out a new knock knock joke. A boy watching nearby asked his mother, "why did he tell her a knock knock joke?" The mother replied, "well sweetie that's because her husband used to always tell them, so she appreciates them more." Next was Priscilla, and as the knight stood before her he tried out the joke the court jester told him. "Why did the knight use a court jester joke?" Asked the boy. "Well sweetie that's because Priscilla isnt very bright and she wouldnt understand most other jokes." Finally it was Dawn's turn. The knight began his joke but the mother quickly covered the boys ears. "Why did you do that?" Asked the boy. "Because you are too young for the humor the knight uses on her, and the knight is always darkest before Dawn."
He wishes he was never Bourne.
I guarantee nobody has ever heard them.
I guarantee no one has ever heard them before
I guarantee nobody has ever heard them.
